Monday, October 24, 2005

Oh no, not THE question!

While I'm just sitting here and waiting for my period to show up (so I can start with the Clomid), I thought I'd use my time to come up with some answers to THE question:

Why don't you have kids yet?
  • Because we can't find an opening .... in our schedule.
  • Because computer widows don't have kids. Nor do computer widowers.*
  • Because we're waiting until babies come equipped with ethernet ports.
  • And have sex? Yuck!
  • Oh, we have kids. We just don't want them to meet you.
  • We're just waiting until you get bored of yours.
  • We're just waiting until child protection services gives us yours.
  • Give me 50€ first. You don't expect me to talk about our sex life for free do you?

I'm hoping answers like this will make people give up on asking us (HAH!), especially BIL#1. But he has thick skin and is not easily embarrassed. His wife always berates him for asking THE question to anyone, but it doesn't help.

The reason I'm so obsessed with THE question right now is mainly because the holiday season is coming. Now I'm actually very fortunate. My parents never asked me, ever, nor have my grand-parents. My aunts and uncles haven't asked me THE question for years. Most of my nephews and nieces are too young to be interested in asking. This probably has to do with me being the oldest grandchild.
At work, THE question doesn't come up. Everyone thinks I'm a somewhat hostile childFREE person. To an outsider, the difference with a bitter childLESS person must be near impossible to spot. It's not in my interest to correct this misunderstanding right now.

I only run into trouble at the in-laws. They have been asking THE question for years. My MIL is desperate to have grandchildren. For years she's been saying 'I'll never have any'.
I understand her feelings, being grandchildLESS is a cousin of being IF, only you can't do anything about it. But it doesn't make THE question any less painful for me right now. I also realize that I can't expect her to be sensitive of our problem, if we don't tell her about it.
We didn't tell her we were going to start TTC 2 years ago, because I dreaded having to answer 'PG yet?' every month. I didn't need the added pressure. I'm also a very private person (if you don't count spilling your guts to the internet).

Now my MIL has the happy prospect of getting 2 grandchildren very soon (if all goes well). You'd think she'd be content and stop badgering me and her daughter (SIL#3). No such luck.
In two weeks, we're all getting together for a family dinner at the in-laws. I'm really dreading it.

I've been telling DH that things can't go on like this. We need to come out of the closet. At least then we can ask them for support and explain why we (mostly me) react strangely sometimes to anything baby related. DH is very reluctant, mostly because he wants to keep our life private I think. But I'm the one suffering for it.

He didn't want to say anything before the results of the first round of tests, because maybe they would tell us more about the cause. And if we tell, they'll ask. I agreed to wait, for the off chance that we did find a cause so quickly. But after reading up on this, I don't expect we'll ever get an explanation as to why we're IF. We'll just educate them that most of time the doctors don't know.

Timing is also an issue. When do we tell them this unhappy news? We don't WANT to cast a shadow over the happiness of the two expecting couples. If we tell them, it will make them feel awkward towards us. (Hey, I'd trade any day). DH fears his mother will become over-sensitive and lash out at any baby talk when we're present. That's a risk I'm willing to take. Waiting until May when SIL#2 is due, I just don't think I can make it. SIL#1 is due in January.

Finally, he hopes the Clomid will actually work, so we won't have to tell them anything. He has a point there, but I'm just not that optimistic. Could it really be that simple?

How on earth do you start a conversation about IF with your in-laws?
Maybe I'll just wait for this variant of THE question, and answer truthfully for once.

When are you guys going to start trying?
2 years ago.

Now where did I put my list with retorts to assvice?

*The term is actually a 'football widow'. You get the picture, husband glued to football matches on tv at home or in a pub, wife feeling deserted.



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