Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Abominable Club: a Hall*mark moment

As you well remember, things didn't go quite according to the Club's plans, since my period arrived only a week after the emergency meeting.

Not a faucet

RO: Ute, you call that spotting??? Haemorrhaging is more like it.

Ute: I'm no faucet you can turn on or off at will. Besides, I've never tried spotting before.

It's okay

RO: It's okay, I forgive you darling.

C talking

Ute: Sure you do. That's not you, it's the C talking.

LO: The Fallopians and I still feel we should show our host a sign of good will.

Happy Annovulsary

LO: so we made a banner.


Another Hall*mark moment.

This is the last of it for now. No more intel has reached me, but I can tell you I've been feeling discomfort on my right side for the past three days (I'm not kidding).
Perhaps it's my right ovary sulking, or finally giving in to the power of Clo*mid? Naaah.

Tomorrow I meet with Dr. Sunshine. My goal is to get more information on the next steps (HSG, ...).

The Abominable Club: an Emergency Meeting

You'll remember from the last episode that my reproductive organs had cooked up a nice little plan.

Upon learning about it, I promptly decided to suspend my own personal Prohibition. Soon after my first glass of wine, an emergency meeting was called. (I provided some subtitles for you.)

RO: I've detected alcohol in our host

RO: I've detected alcohol in our host. That's a very bad sign.

LO: It means she's on to us

LO: It means she's on to us.

RO: Let's up the stakes a little then. Ute send down some EWCM

RO: Let's up the stakes a little then. Ute send down some EWCM.

LO: Evil white cervical mucus? RO: No you moron, EGG white cervical mucus

LO: Evil white cervical mucus?

RO: No you moron, EGG white cervical mucus

Ute: Excellent idea! I'll send down some spotting too in a week or so. The coup de grace.

Ute: Excellent idea! I'll send down some spotting too in a week or so. The coup de grace.

RO: that'll show her who's in charge.

RO: that'll show her who's in charge. We reconvene in three weeks, when it's time to pull the plug.

To be continued...

Thursday, December 29, 2005

The Abominable Club

Most days I wake up with the thought "I wish I could have a baby, why can't I?". Obsessed, me?
For a while now, I had the feeling that it's all a conspiracy of my reproductive organs. Now I have obtained proof! Below is a completely truthfull report of a secret meeting that was held in my abdomen a few weeks ago. They call themselves the Abominable Club.
In order to protect my source, I won't divulge how I this intel was passed on to me.

Click on the images to enlarge them.

The meeting is called to order

The ring leader is Right Ovary

RO: Order, Order!! It's been almost 2 years since our host started TTC.
I called this meeting to decide how we will mark the occasion.

Give up resistance?

Left Overy is a peacemaker. Ute, well, just see.

LO: Maybe we should give up our resistance.

Ute: Are you nuts? Do I have to remind you exactly how large she waants to inflate me? Can you imagine the stretchmarks? I would be scarred for life!

Initial goal

RO: It's true, we've reached our initial goal. We're no longer taken for granted.
But if we've gained this much appreciation now, think of what we could have if we hold out a little longer.

LO: I dunno. I've been hearing rumours of outsourcing.


LO: It's a strange process called 'adoption'.

Blood is thicker than water

Ute: Outsourcing? She wouldn't! Never. Blood is thicker than water you know.
Instinct would never approve.

LO: My friend. Subconscious says Instinct is happy as long as it gets to raise a child.


Enough of this nonsense, let's get back to planning our little celebration.

Good will

LO: At least let's show some good will. Let's release an egg on time for once.

A plan

RO: Yeah, let it develop long enough to get the nausea going and the HCG
pumping, and then expel it.

Ute: Oh no you don't, those blasted buggers hang on for dear life. Convince the Fallopians to hang on to it.

No death wish

The Fallopian Tubes are stuck in the middle of course.

Fallopians: Leave us out if it, we don't have a death wish.


RO: Ute, you wuss!

LO: Look who's talking, you junk. If you want to get your kicks next month,
you'd better send her a clear signal.


RO:Yeah, the dope was sweet.

final plan

RO: I have it! Ute, you prepare some lining, we'll do some follicles. Not too much, just to pass muster for the ultrasound.

Ute: Ok, I'll retract the cervix for a week for good measure.

eggs overdone

RO: Then we'll sit on those eggs untill they're thoroughly overdone. It's bound to work. Let's do it.

To be continued ...

Obviously, this entry was inspired by the Adventures of Infertile Myrtle by Karen. I was glad to see the return of Infertile Myrtle after a rather long absence.

I had a number of technical problems in creating this post. The scans I made were useless, so I had to resort to the digital camera. Let's just say I know more about image manipulation than I did last week. ;-)

Updated to include subtitles.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Like a rabbit in the headlights

Yesterday I cooked dinner for two friends of mine that I hadn't seen in a while.

As I was telling Mony, friend A (I'll call her Alice) vented for a couple of hours about her divorce, and how difficult it is adjusting for her and her two very young kids (2-year-old and 6 month-old!). Luckily friend B (Beth) was there to ask the right questions, because I was really afraid I'd say something totally inappropriate, like "too bad you weren't IF in stead of us". TOTALLY inappropriate thought. So I just nodded and said umhum now and again.

Alice knows of our struggles, since she was the one friend I confided in that we were starting TTC, way back when she had her first. Since she's a fertile myrtle and has problems of her own, I don't think that fact is really registering with her right now. Just before she and her partner split up, she told me her second child was an oops baby. YEAH, like I needed to hear that.

Beth doesn't know. I plan on telling her some time, but yesterday wasn't the right time. So it didn't come up in conversation, except in my head of course. I've been reluctant to tell her because I know her husband has weird issues with regard to them having kids. Or at least he did a few years back.

Anyway, I felt I had done what a good friend does in times of crisis, listen, nod, abstain from giving assvice. I tried at least, and didn't let the Nasty IF Thoughts slip out. So I thought I'd treat myself to some S!mpsons episodes before heading of to bed.

Now, getting my period too early and listening to a fertile myrtle vent should be enough for Christmas week, right? WRONG!
DH chose that this would be a good moment to tell me SIL #1 had given birth to a baby boy earlier that day. Waiting till we were alone certainly deserves some good points, but I wish he had waited till the next day. I was really tired, but couldn't fall asleep. I lay churning in my bed, thinking up all the horrid things my in-laws might unwittingly say to me on our visit to the maternity ward. Imagining how I would burst into tears or say horrid things back.

This morning I woke up early, started fretting again before being fully awake. Then I decided the best thing would be to just get the first visit over and done with. Waiting would only make me dread it more.

So we went. I focused on my breathing throughout the visit and tried to remain invisible. My happy face was not available, only my tense rabbit-in-headlights-face. I politely refused to hold the baby, mumbled something about other opportunities, baby sleeping, take him to visit zoo later (say in 5 years). I made it back to the car in one piece, but started crying before we were half a km away.

I'm not going to be able to pull this trick off every time. I think it would be easier if the in-laws knew what was up, at least in broad terms. But DH is very reluctant to tell them. That discussion is clearly not closed.

Of course you remember I have another PG SIL, who is due in May, right? Lather, rinse , repeat.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

My ironic ovaries are having a blast

Guess what showed up this morning? My period.
Excuse me? That's only 3 to 4 days too early. At the u/s two weeks ago, my follicles were still fairly small. So I now had a 12 day luteal phase? Last time it was 14 days, usually, it's 16 days.

There goes my drink-guiltfree-until-newyears pass. Thanks a lot, I was enjoying my break.

There goes my case for more close monitoring and perhaps even a trigger shot.

I called dr. Sunshine for my instructions this morning. Last visit, she had talked about possibly increasing the dose, if my period stayed away three weeks after the u/s. She assumes that I responded to the medication, just like last time. I'm inclined to believe her.
This being the holiday period (get it?), getting extra monitoring is a bit difficult anyway. I had made two appointments in advance, hoping that at least one would be at the right time. The first is next week, too early, so I'll cancel. The next is on January 3d, again on fateful day 15 of this brand new cycle.

This cycle strengthens my doctor's case against BBT. Although I did appreciate the heads up it gave me yesterday (sharp temp drop).

It's too soon for conclusions, but this negative strengthens me in thinking that timing is not our main issue. I assure you, we were doing our best two weeks ago.


Sunday, December 18, 2005

Proverbs for the IF

No one likes a smart ass. Or a wise nose for that matter. I wonder what the origin of these proverbs is. I wouldn't know how to recognize a nose that is wise if it were staring me in the face. I yet have to meet the first intelligent behind.

I would like to introduce some new proverbs, some that make more sense.

No one likes brooding fallopian tubes.
This proposed proverb means that you should stick to what you're good at. Fallopian tubes are for transport and logistics only, brooding is just not their thing. It's self-destructive and pointless, as some of you know all too well.

No one likes a hermetical cervix.
If you're purpose in life is to be a selective passageway (letting good stuff in, keeping bad stuff out), don't just seal everything off. That would be to deny you're very nature. Not choosing is also a choice.

No one likes a misanthropic uterus.
Rowing against the tide of evolution will only wear you out. More bluntly, you're a freak of nature.

No one likes ironic ovaries.
When it comes to life and death decisions, use humor sparingly.

I fear I'm endowed with ironic ovaries. If you remember in my last post, I was ready to give up on anything happening this cycle. That night, the schedule called for some action, but I was too depressed to bother. Of course my temp was up the next morning.
Big deal, it was probably just a spike, I thought. No action that night either, too tired. Needless to say my temp has stayed up. This proves absolutely nothing, but the irony isn't lost on me.

Do the other proverbs apply to me? It's too soon to tell.

The creative post is under way, but will have to wait for lack of a scanner.


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

HELLO, wake up down there

I'm working on a more creative post, hopefully have it done this weekend.
For now just an update.

My BBT suggests that nothing has happened since the last u/s. Temperature hasn't gone up since then. Bad sign.

I haven't seen any EWCM in the past week. My cervix has been retracted and soft for a week.

HELLO, wake up down there! Oh forget it.

So either BBT doesn't work, as my OB/Gyn keeps insisting, or this cycle is going absolutely nowhere. I wavered for a while, but now I'm convinced its the latter.

Now I'm just twiddling my thumbs until this cycle ends. To take the edge off, I've suspended my own version of Prohibition. Just in time to enjoy the festivities for the end of the year. I expect the wait to take me well into the new year. Bottoms up!

Did I mention that this cycle marks 2 years of TTC? So if you're wondering why I gave up so easily, now you know.


Thursday, December 08, 2005

Before the stick was even dry

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by PG announcement at work. To make matters worse, it came from the one person I really dislike (and its not just me).

This co-worker usually only communicates with us by phone, even when his office is the next door down the hall. So when he showed up today in person, I knew something was up. When he continued 'I have an announcement to make...' my heart sank. His wife is PG for the second time.

Lucky for me, I share an office with three co-workers who all made the appropriate enthusiastic noises. I conveniently hid behind my 'aggressive childfree person' facade.

The announcement came at the appropriate time, close to 3 months. But later in the day, A. one of my co-workers mentioned she had known for a couple of months, so basically before the stick was even dry. Not only that, he had told her as an excuse for his behavior, specifically making some arrangements behind A's back. Pardon me? So what was his excuse before? Not IF, because the kids will be perfectly spaced 2,5 years apart. And since when does the husband get to pull the PG card? In a perfectly normal PG?

If it were anybody else, I would be happy for them, as well as jealous. But this guy has ticked me off too many times, and the thought of being jealous of him revolts me.

This feels like a bad omen, a really bad one. In chutes and ladders for IF* its the square that says "a coworker you dislike gets PG, skip 6 turns".

Venting is good.

*I can't remember from who I stole this.


Monday, December 05, 2005

Happy face for the doc

Today was my u/s at Dr. Sunshine's office. I didn't quite go as I expected.
It was another day 15 appointment, and last month that was just after ovulation.
Not so this month. My endometrium is building up nicely though, 10 mm already.
Both right and left side showed a dominant follicle of about 1.2 mm. If they continue developing, ovulation should occur at the end of this week.

The doctor warned me that they might not develop, meaning that the Clo.mid dose would have to be increased. The pessimist in me latched on to this immediately. I asked how I would know how things turned out. If my period takes 3 weeks from today to show up, it was an anovulatory cycle, she said. She didn't offer another u/s and I didn't ask, it isn't exactly fun. I don't think more monitoring would make me feel better, so this is fine. She hadn't really intended to monitor the remaining Clo.mid cycles at all.

Last month I was happy we had found the right dose immediately. Now I'm confused. Is the Clo.mid even working? I ovulate around day 19 on my own, or at least that's what my charts suggest. Or is this just a reminder that I have NO control whatsoever and what I think I know is wrong.

Must stop these negative thought. Repeat to myself 'prognosis is good*, prognosis is good*' (*for ovulation).

I also plucked up the courage to ask dr. Sunshine about Robbi.tussin. I am bad at demanding things from people or confronting them in any way. So this was practice. On the one hand I would like to just leave all the decisions in the hands of the doctor and just trust that it would work. Ignorant bliss. But I just can't let it go. My faith in the medical profession is not super, though I haven't had any horrid experiences myself (knock on wood).

What was I saying? Robi.tussin. This is not on the market in Europe, as far as I know but I found out the active ingredient is Guaifenesin. I suspect it is used in cough syrup here as well. After some googling, I also found a reference to the article that started the rumour that Robi.tussin is beneficial. Some more googling gave me a reprint of the article.

Dr. Sunshine was honest enough to tell me she had never heard of this before, not even during her training at the fertility clinic (I think she said training). I appreciated her honesty. I showed her the original article but she didn't find it very convincing, the study reported only included 40 couples and the results were only moderate. Couples using were specifically excluded from the test group. Anyway, she didn't recommend taking Guaifenesin and I choose to trust her on this.

When I walked out the door, I realised I had done it again. I had put on my happy face for my doctor. Why do I feel the need to do that? Once the act is over, my mood takes an even deeper dive.
Why can't I just tell her this experience is bringing me down? That I don't believe the will work, or anything else for that matter. Am I trying to get her sympathy so she wouldn't be annoyed that I look so much up on the internet? I guess it is just something that will wear off in time.

Do you put on a happy face for the doctor?

Once more 'prognosis is good*, prognosis is good*' (*for ovulation).