Saturday, December 24, 2005

Like a rabbit in the headlights

Yesterday I cooked dinner for two friends of mine that I hadn't seen in a while.

As I was telling Mony, friend A (I'll call her Alice) vented for a couple of hours about her divorce, and how difficult it is adjusting for her and her two very young kids (2-year-old and 6 month-old!). Luckily friend B (Beth) was there to ask the right questions, because I was really afraid I'd say something totally inappropriate, like "too bad you weren't IF in stead of us". TOTALLY inappropriate thought. So I just nodded and said umhum now and again.

Alice knows of our struggles, since she was the one friend I confided in that we were starting TTC, way back when she had her first. Since she's a fertile myrtle and has problems of her own, I don't think that fact is really registering with her right now. Just before she and her partner split up, she told me her second child was an oops baby. YEAH, like I needed to hear that.

Beth doesn't know. I plan on telling her some time, but yesterday wasn't the right time. So it didn't come up in conversation, except in my head of course. I've been reluctant to tell her because I know her husband has weird issues with regard to them having kids. Or at least he did a few years back.

Anyway, I felt I had done what a good friend does in times of crisis, listen, nod, abstain from giving assvice. I tried at least, and didn't let the Nasty IF Thoughts slip out. So I thought I'd treat myself to some S!mpsons episodes before heading of to bed.

Now, getting my period too early and listening to a fertile myrtle vent should be enough for Christmas week, right? WRONG!
DH chose that this would be a good moment to tell me SIL #1 had given birth to a baby boy earlier that day. Waiting till we were alone certainly deserves some good points, but I wish he had waited till the next day. I was really tired, but couldn't fall asleep. I lay churning in my bed, thinking up all the horrid things my in-laws might unwittingly say to me on our visit to the maternity ward. Imagining how I would burst into tears or say horrid things back.

This morning I woke up early, started fretting again before being fully awake. Then I decided the best thing would be to just get the first visit over and done with. Waiting would only make me dread it more.

So we went. I focused on my breathing throughout the visit and tried to remain invisible. My happy face was not available, only my tense rabbit-in-headlights-face. I politely refused to hold the baby, mumbled something about other opportunities, baby sleeping, take him to visit zoo later (say in 5 years). I made it back to the car in one piece, but started crying before we were half a km away.

I'm not going to be able to pull this trick off every time. I think it would be easier if the in-laws knew what was up, at least in broad terms. But DH is very reluctant to tell them. That discussion is clearly not closed.

Of course you remember I have another PG SIL, who is due in May, right? Lather, rinse , repeat.


At 26 December, 2005 05:40, Blogger Her Grace said...

Do you know, I have two children, what is in our mind a complete family, do not plan on having any more, and I STILL get a burst of jealousy when I hear someone is pregnant! It is so messed up. That's what IF will do to you.

When we were struggling with IF, everyone around us was pregnant and it seemed like they got pregnant whenever their husbands sneezed in their direction. It was really, really hard.

I remember my brother saying that they wouldn't try to have a second baby until we got pregnant, which was really very loyal and very sweet, and made me cry, but in reality, had we not gotten pregnant, they would have had to move on.

Hang in there. It will happen for you, and until then, try to take joy from those new babies, since they are your family too, and will eventually be your child's cousins and friends.

Take care!

At 26 December, 2005 11:33, Blogger Lut C. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 26 December, 2005 11:34, Blogger Lut C. said...

Whatever happens for us down the road, I'm pretty confident we'll develop a healthy relationship with these kids. But right now all I see is blatant fertility, and it hurts. I keep thinking that should have been us, a year ago.

Thanks for the encouraging words.

At 28 December, 2005 22:08, Blogger projgen said...

Blatant Fertility - that's a great expression. What I can't figure is why sometimes BF smacks down hard, and sometimes I can just be okay with it and even - *gasp* - happy about a new baby. I can't figure that out.

I'm sorry you're surrounded by BF while you're going through all this. It sounds like you did a great job getting through this visit. Good luck on the telling the family front; that was a weird experience for us.

big hugs to you!
(and thank you for the link!)


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