Monday, June 05, 2006

On jealousy

I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of the PG women I cross in the street.

I'm jealous of my friend who effortlessly had two lovely kids, perfectly spaced apart.

I'm jealous of my friend who effortlessly had an adorable baby, quickly followed by an equally adorable oops baby, even though she's now going through a messy divorce.

I'm jealous, in the deepest corner of my heart, of my friend who got PG after a long journey through IF.

I'm jealous, but there is no malice involved. That's why I don't feel guilty about it, because such feelings are normal under the circumstances. With time, I hope it will fade.

To anyone who doesn't understand this, I have only this to say: You're warmly invited to walk a mile in my shoes.
And when you've done that, remember that my shoes are still pretty easy to wear in comparison.

Why am I stating the obvious?
Karen from the Naked Ovary ( ) has had a turbulent blogging week. Someone who claims to know her in real life told Karen she was offended at the jealousy she expressed towards her PG friends on her anonymous blog. At least, that's what I've pieced together from here and there.

One more week till beta day.

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At 06 June, 2006 01:04, Blogger ninaB said...

yeah, me too.
i think it is hard for those on the other side to understand.

At 06 June, 2006 01:25, Blogger EJW said...

Agreed 100%. I'm so sad that the world may miss out on the arrival of Maya Papaya because some stupid person who doesn't get that blogs are for personal venting complained.

At 06 June, 2006 02:36, Blogger Robber Barren said...

Just to keep on stating the obvious: you are totally allowed to be jealous.

At 06 June, 2006 03:10, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I feel jealous of pregnant women a lot too. I feel bad about it but it sort of comes with the IF territory I suppose.

At 06 June, 2006 03:34, Anonymous Paige said...

I am with you. I feel jealous all the time and I've been feeling bad about it. Maybe I will remind myself that there is no malice behind it and I should allow myself to feel it.

I have not made my blog anonymous and now I'm finding topics where I wish I had. My family and friends are reading it so I can't say everything I want sometimes.

I'll be looking for your updates. I hope this cycle is the one.

At 06 June, 2006 04:16, Blogger squarepeg said...

My shoes are like warm cozy slippers compared to most of my fellow bloggers. That still doesn't mean I like wearing them.

I agree - there's only so much one can do to "control" jealousy - it's a natural reaction to wanting something you can't have, at least not yet.

I've been considering telling a few people I know IRL about my blog. Now I feel good that I haven't. Sad.

At 06 June, 2006 04:24, Blogger Beth said...

So with you on this. Very sad that this has happened to Karen.

I think I will always be jealous - even if I do get pregnant, because this sure as hell hasn't been fun.

Counting the days until your beta.

At 06 June, 2006 06:54, Blogger soralis said...

Good luck with your beta... and I think jealousy is pretty normal for IF'ers.

Take care and wising you luck!!

At 06 June, 2006 12:32, Blogger Shazz said...

I too agree, even more so now as it took me 4yrs of trying and 6 IVF cycles to get a BFP and it taken away from me 16 weeks later. I almost feel like I'm in hiding from pg women right now and knowing it could take me another 4 yrs arrgggggg!

At 06 June, 2006 16:14, Blogger Winnifred said...

I'm pregnant... and I still get jealous.

I had somebody get mad at ME once (before i was pregnant) for stating that through IF one of the hardest things for me to see is women who are in a wrong spot get pregnant accidentally... She stated that that's how SHE got pregnant a few years ago and that i had no right to be jealous or judge her or people "like" her. WHAT? :(

At 06 June, 2006 23:40, Blogger projgen said...

Funny, I was just admitting this to myself about two days ago. I'm jealous. Happy, too, for those who are my friends, but still jealous.

Hope this next week flies!

At 07 June, 2006 01:37, Blogger Angie said...

I'm horribly jealous. It seems like no matter what is happening in life, people are always talking about their kids. It's like it's the GRAND topic. I think it's okay to be jealous, it's part of the IF package and people should understand that.

At 07 June, 2006 01:39, Blogger Ladybug Ann said...

No matter how "mean" words are, it still remains that the pg woman is pg and the other is looking enviously at her. I am on the other side but I totally understand why you feel the way you do. If Karen's "friend" can't take it, then she shouldn't read IF blogs. It's a safe haven for women to vent.

I am still jealous of women who are pg easily.

At 07 June, 2006 05:26, Blogger Just another Jenny said...

I was so disgusted when I saw the Naked O site and that someone had been so judgemental of her. It's hard not to be jealous when someone else has what you have worked so hard for but still don't have. It's too bad that most people just don't get it.

At 07 June, 2006 13:51, Blogger katty said...

Surely it is absolutley normal for women trying to get pregnant to get jealous of already pregnant women? I am in a group that meets once a week of women trying to conceive, and we have all expressed this feeling. Several of us have talked about how hard it is to go and meet friends who have just had a child. I have fallen out with a friend just becaise she had a child. I don't know why I found it so hard, and I don't admire myself for it, but at the same time, I don't blame myself for it. Some of my friends in the group have said that even if one of us gets pregnant, they will find it difficult - even though we are all having problems getting pregnant. And in fact our mediator has said that if one of us does get pregnant we have to tell her first, and she will tell the others specifically because it will be difficult news for some to bear.

At 07 June, 2006 15:44, Blogger Winnifred said...

I had to come back to this - cause it's so been on my mind... I was looking at my circle of friends... and NO JOKE - they were ALL pregnant at the same time (we overlapped one day - 5 of us) and I know that those 5 women COMPLETELY understand that I'm jealous of them... 100%. I can't imagine them NOT understanding that?

Ok - off my soap box! I think sensitive people get that part - even if only a little?

Still praying for great a BETA result next week!! :)

At 08 June, 2006 13:04, Blogger Thalia said...

I think we all get this, so much. I am jealous, and I'm often told I should just be happy for other people, that their happiness doesn't affect me. Of course it doesn't, but I want what they have. Isn't that the definition of jealousy.

Thinking of you and hoping this week isn't too difficult.

At 08 June, 2006 15:09, Blogger Fertility Faux Pas said...

Some people just don't get it! These women who experience "oops" pregnancies and then get defensive because they think they are being judged for it are completely missing the point. We're not judging them...We're jealous of them.

Can any of you imagine just sharing a bottle of wine, making love to your husband and then finding out you created a life two weeks later? I think that's why I'm angry...I'll never have that.

Instead, we're the ones who are judged for seeking fertility treatment, for feeling jealous and hurt, for taking time for ourselves when we can't handle being around women with babies. We have to listen to assvice like "Maybe you weren't meant to have children" or "You should just adopt". We have to inject ourselves, be poked and prodded, deplete our bank accounts and find a way to pick ourselves up again after every failed cycle. And if we're lucky enough to somehow finally get pregnant, they expect us to act exactly like them. Sorry, but it just doesn't happen that way. At least not for me.

Whew...sorry for the colossal rant on your blog. Can you tell this issue strikes a cord with me?

At 08 June, 2006 16:52, Anonymous Orodemniades said...

Oh yeah.

And the worst part is? I can't imagine not feeling jealous. Maybe time makes the feelings less blunt...or does that only happen if one has a successful pregnancy?

At 08 June, 2006 17:42, Blogger Sarah said...

It is normal to feel jealous and I can't see why someone would get angry. Can't they understand that it hurts to always be celebrating everyone else's joys and successes.

Lately, in order to preserve my sanity, I try to keep in mind that everyone has their demons. When I look at other people I try to imagine that there are probably things in their lives that are painful as well. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts and I still feel jealous, but I am able to come to terms with it a bit easier.


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