Monday, July 17, 2006

I need a brainwashing

The period? Still not here. I'm not amused. So, how long do I wait untill I ask for Pr0vera?

It's BBQ season, and believe it or not, DH and I aren't too fond of BBQs. This weekend we did agree to go to a friends BBQ. It was one of those mixed affairs, where you know half of the people there, but the others are strangers. As any other IF worth their salt, I worried how high the PG rate would be. What if the hostess turned out to be PG? I hadn't seen her in a while, and they had just moved to a bigger house with garden...

We live the furthest away, so naturally we arrived there early. Except for one couple that lives even further away, and was there first. Of course the woman has to be the obligatory PG women present. Great. Now, as preggo's go, she wasn't the worst. No incessant belly rubbing, no endless baby talk. But to be honest, it hardly matters to me. She exists, it hurts. And since kid#1 was running around there too, I doubt she had any trouble achieving her enviable status. Sigh.

I tried not to think about it for the rest of the afternoon, but didn't really succeed. The dreaded question was asked of course. 'So do you have kids?' Me: 'No we have cats/dogs/goldfish/computers/random object/...'.
I cowered when I heard my friend, the hostess, mentioned kids rooms in their new house without a second thought or an if or a maybe. How I Iong to be that oblivious.

IF isn't like a pinching pair of shoes, that you can take off after a hard days work. I wake up with it and go to sleep with it. I can barely manage to check it at the door at work, even though I try. I feel it's ruining my life and much worse, that I'm letting it.
Why can't I let go of IF for an afternoon and just enjoy the company?
Why can't I take the involuntary childfree time to work on my career?

The only answer I can think of is that IF is such an emotional shock, it's hard to cope with and takes time to move past. I have to give myself time, even if it's more than I would like. And if I can no longer be the overachiever at work, so be it.

Is there a brainwashing program to speed up the process, you think?

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At 18 July, 2006 00:56, Blogger Robber Barren said...

I'm sorry about the BBQ.

If it's any comfort to you, I personally know at least one couple who struggled with IF for many years, had a child, and then had twins two years later. If you saw them when she was pregnant with the twins with a toddler running around,y ou may have had that "it was easy for them" assumption...but it wasn't. There are more infertile people out there than you think.

At 18 July, 2006 01:05, Blogger namaste said...

I know how you feel. It infiltrates almost every aspect of our lives, but it's simply because the blinders have been taken off. It's always been there, for other people, and we were probably ones who may have said something thoughtless, not knowing, not having experienced it yet. I'm new to your blog, having just found you, but am rooting for you nonetheless.

At 18 July, 2006 02:01, Anonymous Paige said...

I so feel you. I've always given %110 at work and I just find myself incapable of it right now. I'm more like coasting and keeping my head above water. Luckily my boss told me that there are times when work is #1 and time when personal life is #1 and there is nothing wrong with that. Not that I don't still agonize over my lack of production at work. How understanding is your boss? Maybe you could talk to him/ might make you feel better.

As far as the BBQ goes, I've been burying my head in the sand all summer and avoiding get-togethers like this - I'm a terrible coward! :) Kudos to you for going and keeping it together

At 18 July, 2006 13:20, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

I'll sign up for the brainwashing.....

I too wish I could step away from my IF for a period of time and just be me and enjoy.

At 18 July, 2006 14:48, Blogger Bronwyn said...

When I was doing the Clomid/Provera thing last year, the doctor told me to take the Provera on CD 34 if my period didn't come. I don't think waiting helps anything, so you may just want to ask for the Provera now.

Even though this community seems large here in blogland, it's hard not to feel grossly outnumbered in the real world. You're a real trooper for going to the BBQ and facing the fertile throngs!

At 18 July, 2006 16:13, Blogger A.M.S. said...

I take provera if I make it to cd35. My RE also has a sense of humor and makes me take a pregnancy test. Like I haven't already peed on enough sticks to build an addition on my house.

It's hard to not feel broken. I'm always surprised at the moments when I escape from that feeling and can just be. Hopefully those moments will come more often than not.

At 18 July, 2006 16:18, Blogger soralis said...

Brainwashing sounds like the best idea I have heard so far.

I am so sorry about the BBQ... as an infertile it is so hard to have to look at PG women when it's something so difficult for us to achieve.

IF is all consuming, it seems to make it's way into every part of our lives. I am so sorry that you are in 'this' place and I wish you the very best

Take care

At 18 July, 2006 16:46, Blogger squarepeg said...

Ooooh that sounds nice. Maybe as a close approximation we can all just get wasted on vodkatinis? Is that wrong?

Yea, it sucks. I'm not even a year in but now it feels like forever.

Good for you for still going out though - you haven't let IF totally take over if you're still leaving the house. So, WELL DONE.

At 18 July, 2006 18:08, Blogger Angie said...

Could you brainwash me? LOL. I hate that this IF makes its way into every damn aspect of our lives. Good for you to survive the BBQ. I guess we're lucky in that our friends don't have gatherings like that. Of course we don't have many friends thanks to this IF stuff.

At 18 July, 2006 22:07, Blogger Just another Jenny said...

It is sooo hard. I think every instructor at my gym is pg. It's so hard to attend social events. I am sorry you had to deal with the bbq. It would have at least been better if the pg lady showed up late and left early.

At 18 July, 2006 22:45, Blogger projgen said...

yeah, we avoid the bbq's. It's just too hard. I haven't figured out how to avoid the Bar Mitzvah's though.

I'm sorry it was so hard for you.

At 19 July, 2006 00:27, Blogger ellie said...

Yup- seems like when you go to the store to get the charcoal for a BBQ- that they throw in a pregnant lady so every BBQ has one. Is it a summer thing and they are everywhere? Perhaps it just feels like it. I don't notice them so much in the winter. Perhaps it is a hibernation thing. But you touched on something that I think rings true for me- which is that is is harder to accept the infertility issues because it is not my choice to have them- I fight the acceptance of it. Anyhow- hope the period shows up soon!

At 19 July, 2006 11:35, Blogger Meg said...

I think that getting used to it has been the hardest thing for me so far, Lut.

I'm sorry you've got all this around you. xx

At 19 July, 2006 12:10, Blogger Shazz said...

I'm sorry how crappy for you, but I do so hear ya and I'll have some brain washing while its going!!


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