Saturday, July 15, 2006

Watch me switch gears

Thank you so much for all the kind words of comfort. It means a lot to me.

I was talking to my friend Irina just yesterday, she was very sweet, trying to cheer me up and telling me not to lose hope. All I could do is shake my head warily at such blissful ignorence. I thought, sweety, no one has hope between a BFN and the next period. Hope might send a post-card by the first u/s from wherever she's camping, but she doesn't show up till much later. At my house at least. But how does one explain that to outsiders?
I'm not complaining, just observing.

She also said I need to keep hoping, because how can it work without hope? Dunno, it's a question of biology and luck, if you ask me. Tying failure to lack of hope implies that it is all in my head and that it's all my fault if it doesn't work. I don't buy it. Mainly because I don't want to believe it's true, I suppose. But if you want a pseudo-scientific argument here goes: if hopelessness/pessimism would adversely affect fertility, the world should be populated by Pollyanna's. It isn't last time I checked.
I know I'm being oversensitive here, but that's an IF's prerogative. To be honest, I was very blue the last couple of days, more so than the last time. It feels like every failed cycle adds a nugget of despair to my basket. Soon, I'm going to have to get a barrel. And I've barely outgrown the IF newbie stage.

Speaking of prerogative's, I'm putting the diet on hold until my period arrives. I'm enjoying my Abs0lut IF as I type. Note the word 'until'. For the past three days I've been hoping my period would not arrive, in order to fit my doctor's schedule. Now watch me switch gears (I drive a stick shift, you know) and start hoping my period arrives already. Let's get this show on the road.

Now for some trivia: 99% of cars in Europe are stick shifts or manual transmission cars (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stick_shift). There is a simple reason: money. Cars with manual transmission use less gas, and gas is wildly expensive here.

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15 Comments:

At 15 July, 2006 01:01, Blogger katty said...

thanks for your advice re german...
i agree about hope. i did a practice run a few IUIs back: I did one as a pessimist and one as an optimist. The both came back negative, thus confirming what I already knew: it doesn't make any difference either way. In one case you are low throughout the 2ww and then marginally less low when your worst fears are confirmed. In the other you are fairly perky throughout the 2ww and then extremely low when the test comes back negative. Glad I ran the test though. At the moment i'm going for neutral, and also trying to eliminate hope, which is still lurking, as a failed IVF cycle must be so much worse than a failed IUI (because IVFs are such an investment of time... three months in all).
Anyway. here's to your next try...

 
At 15 July, 2006 02:48, Blogger K. said...

Thank you so much for putting that into words! I think in some circles "hope" could be interchangeable for "faith" and that's what I run into a lot: if you just have faith, you'll get what you want. I agree wholeheartedley that it comes down to a matter a biology and just plain luck.

 
At 15 July, 2006 06:17, Anonymous Sassy said...

I'm so sorry about the bfn and I'm sorry you've lost your hope. While I wish I could be more possitive about this, I find my pessimism helps to cushion the blow(s) somewhat. I hope that if you can't do the pollyanna thing you too can find a benefit to not being the perky princess.

Take care.

 
At 16 July, 2006 07:48, Blogger Meg said...

Lut - I was so sorry to check in with you today and see that the IUI was a bust. I hope you're feeling a little better. I'm working very hard to not be hopeful about our cycle. Whether it makes a difference, as Katty says, is another thing.. Love to you.

 
At 16 July, 2006 13:31, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Keep on keeping on, Lut.

 
At 16 July, 2006 16:01, Blogger Shazz said...

So sorry for the dereaded BFFN!! Takecare.

 
At 16 July, 2006 16:47, Blogger zhl said...

Sorry for the negative. And I say fuck the Pollyannas. Hope, no hope, tons of hope--it's not your fault. I think trying to force yourself to feel one way or the other just puts yet another burden on you.

 
At 16 July, 2006 19:01, Blogger DinosaurD said...

So stupid (ah, not you, just the idea). That's like telling a teenager to go out and have unprotected sex so long as she is positive that she won't become pregnant (last time I checked, that doesn't work so well).
And I thought y'all were just smarter than us. I drive a stick (a manual transmission, not a broom) but that's just because it's way more fun.
Hang in there - I know it's hard to be in this for the long haul but I still have a lot of hope for you (you're young - so there).
DinoD

 
At 16 July, 2006 19:07, Blogger Thalia said...

I agree with the sentiments above. It's such total bullshit that it's almost not worth engaging in. I'm sorry you had to suffer.

 
At 16 July, 2006 19:17, Blogger ak1908 said...

Hi,
I'm new to your blog, but am a fellow IF blogger (http://lifeisbutful.blogspot.com). I came here from another IFer's blog and read about your recent bfn and just wanted to say that I am so sorry about your disappointment. IF sucks, but it sounds like you do still have some hope and a plan. Be good to yourself and know that you will be in my thoughts.

 
At 17 July, 2006 00:32, Blogger InDueTime said...

Hugs Lut! I wish I could change that BFN for you sweetie. I don't know that hope plays much into any cycle. I keep telling people I wasnt nutty in the beginning so why didnt it work then? I am still hoping and praying it works for you soon. I hate the waiting part. Truly it sucks. Drink a glass or two for me honey..hope the beotch arrives soon.

 
At 17 July, 2006 17:13, Blogger soralis said...

Sending you a big hug...

Take care

 
At 17 July, 2006 18:45, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

Sorry about the BFN. I was numb more than anything after our failed ivf.

Hope the next cycle is a success.

 
At 17 July, 2006 19:58, Blogger ellie said...

Sorry about the bfn. sucks. I don't think our minds have a great deal to do with this-- Seems like if all it took was a happy hope that we'd all have kids by now- we didn't start out ttc'ing with the intent that we'd fail. I think we all started out with way way more optimism than we currently have however long into it we have been.

 
At 18 July, 2006 22:05, Blogger Just another Jenny said...

You are so right - hope doesn't bother knocking after a BFN, you need to get AF out of the way first. How can it work without hope? That is just stupid. How many people hope they DON'T get pregnant every month and do anyway - how did they manage it without hope. I hate people spouting stuff like that for lack of anything better to say.

 

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