Thursday, August 31, 2006

His and hers

Just what I've always wanted, a matching set of his and hers clinical
order forms. They came through the mail this morning.

- Karyotype
- Cystic Fibrosis screening
- Y deletion

Y deletion is linked to severe MFI (very low sperm count or lack of sperm). (Raising eyebrow) I thought we didn't qualify as having severe
Cystic fibrosis is linked to severe MFI as well (though I'm not sure
this applies to carriers of the gene).

- Karyotype
- Fragile X

Carriers of a fragile X permutation are at risk of the dreaded
premature ovarian failure. (Gimme an antral follicle count, pronto!)

I'm surprised I don't get screened for cystic fibrosis. If we're both
carriers, we would have to look into PGD.

A quick search online tells me these are serious, but rare conditions
(someone has to be on the wrong side of the odds, I know). So, I'm
hoping this is a shot in the dark.

I don't see why he couldn't run some tests for blood clotting
disorders while he was at it. Really, is it that much more rare? I
think not, to give an example, 1 in 400 women has the MTHFR defect on
both genes.

I'm both eagerly awaiting and dreading the consult next week. I'll be able to ask him what the tests are for, but of course there won't be
any results, these things take a while. Probably, we'll just go in to
have our blood drawn for the tests right before the consult. Oh joy.

On my last post, about the CD3 test my dr. decided wasn't necessary after all, Thalia wondered whether he had done a full panel. He was going to request testing for FSH, LH, testosterone, E2, Progesterone, TSH, prolactin, DHEA and SHBG. The next day he said he had

everything he needed to know on file. I guess this is a full panel.

The doctor's excuse for not doing the blood clotting panel is that it is indicated for recurrent miscarriages. My highest beta on record is zero. Fair enough, but at least one team of scientists has wondered whether it impacts implantation.

Labels: ,

Saturday, August 26, 2006

More tests, I beg of you!

Especially for DinoD, who is feeling a little under the weather and bored, a short story long. For a short story short, scroll to the end.

I phoned my dr and left him a message on his answering machine. My hands were jittery with nerves as I dialed his number. The courage I had racked up almost failed me when I heard the beep. Suggesting further tests to my dr? Am I crazy? That's just asking for trouble.

Guess what, he called me back! The same day. He was driving, by the sound of it.
When I started talking about more testing before the consult, his first reaction sounded a bit wary, though not unfriendly. "What kind of tests might that be then?"
Me (feebly) "Well, erm, I was thinking of a CD3 blood draw? Isn't that commonly done?"
The right answer it seemed, because he agreed that was pretty common. (Perhaps he was expecting something wildly exotic, like something you read on the internet.) Now, I can't remember whether Dr. Sunshine ordered a CD3 test, and I said so, but it can't hurt to do a repeat.

Then, to my surprise, he went further to suggest karyotyping for me and dh. He started explaining how it's possible that bits of genes are stuck to other genes (oh yeah, a balanced translocation, I thought) which causes fertility problems. "How interesting", I said. He must think I'm nuts. I had been debating whether to ask for genetic screening before we move on, but decided to hold that for the consult.

Do you think asking for a blood clotting panel is pushing my luck? (Thromb.ophlia) Let's find out shall we?

The dr asked me to call him back the day after, at his office, and remind him to send an order for the tests. No problem (though calling him from the noisy train station was not a bright idea). 5 minutes of silence, save a little rustling of papers, the dr told me a CD3 test wouldn't be necessary after all, not with all the hormone measurements I already have on file. The karyotyping is still on.

Feeling a bit braver than before, I asked about the blood clotting panel. He said that's only done for recurrent miscarriages. Not quite my problem, just recurrent 0 beta's. Of course, it only takes a little bit of googling to find a journal article that say it might be relevant to implantation. But what am I going to do, print them and hand them over? I think not.

Now, DinoD, I bet you're still bored, but at least that's another minute passed. Get well soon!

A short story short:
- CD3 test: not necessary, enough levels on file
- Karyotyping: to do for me and DH
- Blood clotting panel: not at this time


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

A post of trivia

The evening with the in-laws went OK. When we arrived Nephew #1 and his parents were there.
I couldn't bear to engage in normal conversation with them and hid in the kitchen. They must think I'm so rude, but I don't care. Unexpectedly, they left before dinner, because "the baby only manages to fall asleep in his own bed".
(Erm, right, perhaps if you put him down and stopped fussing over him, he'd fall asleep here too. But what do I know). Not that I minded them leaving, not at all. At least I could enjoy the meal of wine and cheese in relative peace.

The rest of the weekend I spent on the couch, watching video's with a friend, snacking on homemade chocolate chip cookies. Yum! Well it was raining outside.

Monday night, dh took me out to dinner (fried calamares with bread, oh and dh's fries).

See a pattern emerging here?

Tuesday morning, I had an appointment with the nutritionist.

Dolly: So how is it going?
Me: Bad (referring to the BFN).
Dolly: How come, haven't you been eating healthy lately?
Me: Oh, the diet! Bad too. I've been preoccupied with the last BFN.
Dolly: That's what you thought last time, and you'd still lost some weight then.

The scale proved me right though, I've regained 25% of what I'd lost. Surprise, surprise.

Dolly: So, how does that make you feel? Doesn't this motivate you to get back to healthier eating?
Me: (She's kidding right? Woman, get a little perspective!) No, not really. To be honest, it hardly shows on my radar.

Dolly: Oh, well, then, ehrm, do you want to quit?
Me: (If dieting is what it takes, than dieting is what I must do). No, I'll start working on it again.

Dolly kept saying she understood how IF treatment is tough, but that's not the sense I got from her.
Seriously, she expects me te be remorseful or upset over a little diet setback? And to be all roaring to mend my wicked ways? And for goodness sake, stop smiling like that.

I did book another appointment with her (don't ask me why), but only way in October.

To end this post of trivia, CD1 is officially tomorrow. Not that it matters, since I'm taking a break. I'm curious just how long this break will last, without the medication to regulate things.

Labels: ,

Saturday, August 19, 2006

I want to be a hermit

What not to watch on the tv on BFN day?

A documentary about the Sperm.inator, an evil wannabe RE, who gave women fake IF treatment. In short, he told them to inject HCG to boost their fertility, when - lo and behold - they got positive HPTs, he performed a number of u/s until they were supposedly 12 weeks along, then told each of them they had lost the baby but would not miscarry. No, the foetus would be resorbed by the body. This scam occured before the internet. Evil REs of today have to be a tad more sophisticated, at least. (Thanks for the link, Meg!).
Oh, he gave real enough DI treatment, and is thought to have 75 biological children. Fabulous.

What also not to watch on the tv on BFN day?

Any show with an IF plotline. Say a show where a caucasion couple want to sue their RE for using the wrong sperm/egg/both, their cute baby girl clearly is of mixed descent (I'm not up to speed on north-american PC terminology). Mommy meets up with lawyer in a bar (where?) only to confess she had an affair. Lawyer tells her to fess up to daddy, only she doesn't. At next meeting with couple, lawyer spills the beans. Daddy is outraged, throws mommy down stairs. Mommy dies, daddy rejects baby, baby goes into foster care.

And the moral of this story is ... just relax have an affair. Duely noted.

Why not to go to work after BFN day?

You're bound to hear some coworker fishing for sympathy
say "We tried for six months!" and you can't smack him for being pathetic because you're in the closet and want to stay there. Let out a silent scream in your head. Pat yourself on the back for coping so well.

Why not to go out of the house at all after BFN day?

Are you nuts? Go to a public function, run into a bunch of acquaintances, see wife of one is quite visibly PG, only to overhear that another's due is in January? Yes, of their second child since you've been trying for #1. Back away slowly, start tearing up, run to bathroom, full fledged crying, dab eyes with cold water, sneak out of public function unnoticed, walk home across town still crying.

For goodness sake, when is it going to stop?

Where not to go 2 days after BFN day?
The in-laws? Yep, that's where I'm expected tomorrow. As least one baby nephew will be there. Sigh.
Who knows, I might manage.

Labels: ,

Thursday, August 17, 2006

17 of 20, take 3

Another BFN, this is getting old. HCG was 0.

For 10 days, Pessimism and Resignation stood guard by my door, but alas, sleep deprivation demanded it's toll and the day before yesterday Hope managed to creep in to my head. I lay wide-eyed in my bed at night, while she whispered into my ear, 'it might work you know, just imagine'. I imagined, but here I am again.*

I still can't say I'm devastated. I'm decidedly unhappy though, disappointed too. And angry.

I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY MORE friggin IUIs. (Sorry for shouting in your ears, just needed to let that out).

Good thing we went shopping for alcohol last week. Good thing I still have that tub of dark chocolate ice cream. Oh, who am I kidding.

So what's next? Believe it or not, a voluntary (GASP) break. I'm fed up and need a holiday.
But before we leave on our still to plan holiday, we have a consult booked with my dr. in the beginning of September.
I forced myself not to start researching things to bring up at that consult, but now I should. No doubt I'll address that topic again here.
Perhaps I should make some pompoms to take to the consult. Give me an I - Give me an V - Give me an F - What does that spell?

On totally different news, since creating a new life is so obviously out of my reach, I thought I'd try my hand at something less ambitious, say a new blog template. I'm rather pleased with the redecorations, if I say so myself. (I haven't had the chance to check it in Internet Explorer yet, if it looks off kilter, let me know.)
The design doesn't symbolize anything IF related, but finally putting in the effort to making it does. I'm in this for the long haul. I've felt that for a while, now I'm showing it.

* Yeah, yeah, you're bored of this old, regurgitated bit of anthropomorphism. No one said there was anything original about yet another BFN day.

Labels: , ,

Sunday, August 06, 2006

IFs say the darndest things

I'm feeling a lot better than on the day of the IUI. I'm still not feeling hopeful, but that's ok since you wonderful ladies have that covered. Your kind words of support mean a lot. I realize for some of you it must be hard to read my complaints (for instance those of you waiting to get in the game again, or those of you who have played it umpteen more times then I have already and have the scars to prove it), and it makes me appreciate all of you even more.

To take my mind off things, I went out to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. Nice food, good conversation, what more can one ask for?
On Saturday I went to visit a friend who is PG after IF. I'm very glad for her, but she's clearly suffering from amnesia where IF is concerned. Or maybe she was better at coping with it al allong. I'm glad the hardship of IF is fading for her, don't get me wrong. But sometimes she says the darndest things. Like the fact that she is PG proves there was nothing wrong in the first place. Huh? Oh, and she's sure that will turn out to be the case with me as well. (Gimme that crystal ball!) My protests that the definition of IF is one year of unsuccessful trying is waved off. And she has 3 IVF's under her belt!!! Well 2 were converted to IUI due to bad response, and it's one of those that worked. All I can do is shake my head.

Perhaps I'm being a drama queen about this IF stuff. Are there women out there who undergo treatment without flinching? Who just get on with their lives undisturbed? I don't believe it. Of course, women like that wouldn't blog about it.

What I do know is that I need to pull myself together urgently. Work has suffered under my IF woes, there's no denying it. My superiors haven't noticed anything amiss yet (says as much about them as about me), but that might change fast if I don't get my act together. A large part of me can't be bothered, but mostly I'd like to keep my job, and not perform just average but well.
You know what that means: less time reading blogs and posting.

Labels: , ,

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Hope: M.I.A.

The IUI went without a hitch this time (Some of you might remember that last time was the slapstick version)
It was dr. Standin again, so I missed the opportunity to talk to my dr. about what comes next.

While I was lying down for the obligatory 15 min. after the procedure, a sense of despair fell over me. A far cry from the hope I felt the first time around. IUI is a pathetic excuse for an IF treatment, or at least seems that way to me now. Sure, they're bringing the sperm closer to the mark, but really isn't it just a solution in search of a problem? Very few women are IF due to a hostile cervix, but it's just too hard too pick out the ones who are. Or something of that nature. So wadda ya do, treat'em all.

To be clear, I'm not referring to the injections. The injections are solving my problem of irregular cycles. I just have an issue with the sperm detour through the lab.

True enough, IUIs work sometimes, but sometimes so does sex. Anecdotal evidence is no evidence.

You can see that was a pleasant 15 minutes, can't you. Oh, but it gets better.

When I left the consultation room, who do I bump in to but dr. Sunshine. Yes, my first ob/gyn, the one who got PG while treating me. Fantastic, I'm still stuck where I was back then, and she's had a baby, maternity leave and is back to work already. She was nice enough to wish me good luck though. My eyes started stinging, but I managed to keep it together while I waited to book a consultation with my dr.
I was hoping to get one just after the beta. Silly me. The first available slot is in the beginning of September (an 5WW). I booked it. The next slot is at the end of September (an 8WW). I booked that too. We're still deciding when to go on holiday, but I'll be able to make it to one of them for sure. Then I dashed out, because the tears were already starting to well.

Now I'm aware that 5 or even 8 weeks waiting for an appointment isn't even that long. But I'm sick of the waiting. Especially since I'm waiting for something that may never come.

So you see why I had to do it. Buy that tub of dark chocolate ice cream, I mean.

Please, don't tell me I need to believe it will work or have hope. But if you can reassure me that I'll make it through IF somehow, that would be great.

Labels: ,

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Forgetfulness continues

As predicted, the follicle has grown to a juicy 23mm. The others have all but disappeared.

This afternoon the receptionist called with the following instructions:
  • Inject Pregny1 tomorrow night (mental note = Thursday evening)
  • Send DH to lab at 9h.
  • Come to clinic for IUI at 12h, tomorrow (mental note = Thursday noon)

I scratched my head. Pregny1 after IUI? Really? So I asked her if she was sure. The nice lady didn't argue with me or become cross, but immediately promised to check with the dr. again. Indeed, Pregny1 comes before the IUI.

So, I'm on my way home from work. All pharmacies and drug stores have closed. Then I realize ... how is DH going to produce a sample, without a recepticle to put it in? I forgot to ask for one, and the dr. didn't think to give me one.

  • Use empty yoghurt tub? Not sterile.
  • Boil jam jar in hot water to sterilize? Too big.
  • Go to pharmacist on call? Which one is it?
  • Go to GP's office and hope it's still open? Bingo!
What else can I forget this cycle? The Pregny1? To go for the IUI? To take the Pr0gesterone? The beta???
I hope I forget the 2WW, but I bet I won't be that lucky.


Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The best laid plans of women and mice (removed)

This post has been removed! Not because it was offensive, but because it was a duplicate of a previous post. Thanks Blogger.

How? I sent a post to my blog by mail. Who would have thought that could take half a week. The Internet's tubes must be clogged again.

There's another duplicate coming.