Thursday, August 17, 2006

17 of 20, take 3

Another BFN, this is getting old. HCG was 0.

For 10 days, Pessimism and Resignation stood guard by my door, but alas, sleep deprivation demanded it's toll and the day before yesterday Hope managed to creep in to my head. I lay wide-eyed in my bed at night, while she whispered into my ear, 'it might work you know, just imagine'. I imagined, but here I am again.*

I still can't say I'm devastated. I'm decidedly unhappy though, disappointed too. And angry.

I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY MORE friggin IUIs. (Sorry for shouting in your ears, just needed to let that out).

Good thing we went shopping for alcohol last week. Good thing I still have that tub of dark chocolate ice cream. Oh, who am I kidding.

So what's next? Believe it or not, a voluntary (GASP) break. I'm fed up and need a holiday.
But before we leave on our still to plan holiday, we have a consult booked with my dr. in the beginning of September.
I forced myself not to start researching things to bring up at that consult, but now I should. No doubt I'll address that topic again here.
Perhaps I should make some pompoms to take to the consult. Give me an I - Give me an V - Give me an F - What does that spell?

On totally different news, since creating a new life is so obviously out of my reach, I thought I'd try my hand at something less ambitious, say a new blog template. I'm rather pleased with the redecorations, if I say so myself. (I haven't had the chance to check it in Internet Explorer yet, if it looks off kilter, let me know.)
The design doesn't symbolize anything IF related, but finally putting in the effort to making it does. I'm in this for the long haul. I've felt that for a while, now I'm showing it.

* Yeah, yeah, you're bored of this old, regurgitated bit of anthropomorphism. No one said there was anything original about yet another BFN day.

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At 17 August, 2006 17:55, Blogger N said...

Oh I am sorry! I do understand why you don't want to do more IUI's. Hope the holiday to be planned will be a wonderful one, I can warmly recommend Tuscany and Sweden ;). If you come here, let me know and we can have a coffee or dinner together :), that'd be nice!

Take care!


At 17 August, 2006 18:30, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Lut, I am so sorry. I can totally understand why you are getting tired of this.

I hope the break is just what you need.

I really like your new template! Looks fab!

At 17 August, 2006 18:37, Blogger Ladybug Ann said...

I am so sorry another cycle is a bust. Good luck with the consult.

Like the new template.

Take care.

At 17 August, 2006 20:32, Blogger A.M.S. said...

Ah, crap.

Here's what you do...

A bit of simple syrup
A bunch of fresh mint leaves
A healthy squeeze of lime
A lot of ice
A shot of rum
Top it off with club soda/seltzer

Now, take that mojito to your favorite outdoors shady spot and kick back, listen to some good tunes, and enjoy the view. It won't take away the hurt of another bfn, but it'll help you find a moment or two of rest for your spirit.

At 17 August, 2006 20:54, Blogger zhl said...

Oh, LutC, so sorry about the negative. I totally understand why you woouldn't want to do any more. Hope your vacation gives you the break you need. And of course, you never know what happens when you aren't trying.

Kidding, I'm just kidding.

But I do hope rest and alcohol can revive you.

At 17 August, 2006 23:18, Blogger DinosaurD said...

Damn, I'm sorry Lut.
I find it hard reading about successes but I am more than willing to take it if it would mean you could have some good news.
(And I really wasn't trying to lecture you on my blog - we ALL assume that everyone else should know how we feel and what to say)
I will admit here to being at a loss though - other then to say sorry again.

At 17 August, 2006 23:35, Blogger My Reality said...

Oh Lut, that just really sucks. I am sorry that you got another negative. I have been on a break between IUI's and starting IVF, mostly not by choice, but it has done me some good. I hope a break will do some good for you, too.

At 17 August, 2006 23:39, Blogger InDueTime said...

Oh Damn it Lut!!! I was really hoping this would work! :-( I hope you get some down time with the holiday you are planning.

I loveee the template and WISH I could get one or afford to have someone re do it love all the new templates.

Looking forward to see what the consult says in Sept. Hugs honey!

At 18 August, 2006 00:11, Blogger katty said...

I'm really very sorry you had a negative. I hope that you can feel better soon.

At 18 August, 2006 01:30, Blogger projgen said...

Ugh, Lut, 'm sorry. And I hear you about not wanting to do any more IUIs.
So glad you at least have booze. And ice cream. And at least a little bit of your sense of humour.

btw, I like the new template! The first few lines of the current post are a little hard to read, but I can get over that.

At 18 August, 2006 02:23, Blogger Winnifred said...


I wish i had magic words to make you feel better - obviously - those don't really exist - so i'll send you a virtual hug instead...

Enjoy planning your holiday...

I like your new blog template although i was seeing it better yesterday (or this morning? everything seems to be a blur to me these days) now the lily pad photo shows up and then hides (empty space at the top) this is in IE... just thought i'd share!

Let us know about your travel plans... :)

At 18 August, 2006 07:20, Blogger sube said...

Darnit, darnit, darnit. So sorry, Lut.

At 18 August, 2006 08:24, Anonymous Sassy said...

I'm so sorry, I understand why you'd want to go on to IVF and I really hope the break helps.

P.S. I love the waterlillies.

At 18 August, 2006 09:18, Blogger Sparkle said...

Sorry about the bfn :(
That blasted hope has no right creeping around at the wrong time.
Good idea to take a break and especially if that involves a holiday before ivf.
I've only seen the lily pad once - now it's hiding, maybe my 'puter is the one that's skewiff.

At 18 August, 2006 10:40, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Crap. This sucks. I'm so sorry Lut, IF is so unfair.

Can't see any lilypads....


At 18 August, 2006 16:08, Anonymous Jennifer said...

So sorry to hear your crappy news. I was really pulling for you. I totally understand the hope thing. You try so hard to keep it away, but it sneaks up all the same. You deserve a great holiday.

At 18 August, 2006 19:59, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lut, I am so very sorry it didn't work out. I can so understand your disappointment and your need for a break. And yes, I will join you in that pom-pom cheer -- it does sound as if it's time for that I-V-F. Those IUIs just slowly sap all one's strength away...

At 18 August, 2006 20:00, Blogger squarepeg said...

buggar. I'm so sorry.

At 18 August, 2006 22:49, Blogger Angie said...

Lut, I am so sorry! I am sure the break will prove to be helpful. Thinking of you (I know, how many times can we use that one, but I AM!)

At 19 August, 2006 01:06, Blogger Ornery said...

Damnit, I'm so sorry about the BFN. Trying, waiting, hoping, and being disappointed is an exhausting cycle to go through month after month, and a voluntary break sounds like a good idea. I'm thinking of you.

At 19 August, 2006 04:15, Blogger Millie said...

Damn. Damn. I'm really sorry. Enjoy your break. Alcohol and chocolate are a great start.

At 21 August, 2006 01:40, Blogger Beagle said...

I am so very sorry. So very sad.

At 21 August, 2006 15:48, Blogger soralis said...

I am so very sorry. :(


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