Thursday, August 03, 2006

Hope: M.I.A.

The IUI went without a hitch this time (Some of you might remember that last time was the slapstick version)
It was dr. Standin again, so I missed the opportunity to talk to my dr. about what comes next.

While I was lying down for the obligatory 15 min. after the procedure, a sense of despair fell over me. A far cry from the hope I felt the first time around. IUI is a pathetic excuse for an IF treatment, or at least seems that way to me now. Sure, they're bringing the sperm closer to the mark, but really isn't it just a solution in search of a problem? Very few women are IF due to a hostile cervix, but it's just too hard too pick out the ones who are. Or something of that nature. So wadda ya do, treat'em all.

To be clear, I'm not referring to the injections. The injections are solving my problem of irregular cycles. I just have an issue with the sperm detour through the lab.

True enough, IUIs work sometimes, but sometimes so does sex. Anecdotal evidence is no evidence.

You can see that was a pleasant 15 minutes, can't you. Oh, but it gets better.

When I left the consultation room, who do I bump in to but dr. Sunshine. Yes, my first ob/gyn, the one who got PG while treating me. Fantastic, I'm still stuck where I was back then, and she's had a baby, maternity leave and is back to work already. She was nice enough to wish me good luck though. My eyes started stinging, but I managed to keep it together while I waited to book a consultation with my dr.
I was hoping to get one just after the beta. Silly me. The first available slot is in the beginning of September (an 5WW). I booked it. The next slot is at the end of September (an 8WW). I booked that too. We're still deciding when to go on holiday, but I'll be able to make it to one of them for sure. Then I dashed out, because the tears were already starting to well.

Now I'm aware that 5 or even 8 weeks waiting for an appointment isn't even that long. But I'm sick of the waiting. Especially since I'm waiting for something that may never come.

So you see why I had to do it. Buy that tub of dark chocolate ice cream, I mean.

Please, don't tell me I need to believe it will work or have hope. But if you can reassure me that I'll make it through IF somehow, that would be great.

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24 Comments:

At 03 August, 2006 15:28, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

I wish I could give you that reassurance; all I can wish you is a successful cycle though- pretty lame eh?
Seriously, I really do hope that this is it- and that you can forget about the 2ww.
Oh, and enjoy the ice cream....

 
At 03 August, 2006 16:06, Blogger soralis said...

IF is such a nasty thing. I understand what you are saying about your OB. Sometimes I look at some of my friends kids and think hey if it had of worked way back I would have had a 10 year old, a 5 year old etc.

I wish you all the best and I am sending a big hug your way. Take care.

 
At 03 August, 2006 16:07, Blogger katty said...

If you are going to buy comfort food, there is one law: ENJOY IT.
I am sorry about the wait. I quite understand. I hate the waiting. One of the reasons I chose the clinic I am at is because I don't have to wait too long. I am sorry that you feel despair. I quite understand about that too. I don't believe whether you hope or not makes much difference to a cycles outcome, but it does make it easier to bear if you are not terribly unhappy.
I hope you feel better soon.
Kx

 
At 03 August, 2006 16:34, Blogger fisher queen said...

Those 15 minutes on the table are so hard. I would cry and cry and I was just sure I was pushing everything out. They say that IUIs are supposed to be less stressful. In some ways they are, but in many ways they aren't. Hang in there sweetie.

 
At 03 August, 2006 17:34, Blogger A.M.S. said...

A very wise woman (my mama) offered me this advice not too long ago. I'm passing it on to you now.

"those of you who bravely seek the fullness of life can't avoid the depths of despair... but by having visited there you will know full well how to recognize the wings of joy...for the present moment, dwell on the blue sky, the starry night...and maybe a banana popsicle...."

You will make it through yet another cycle. I won't spread sunshine and false hope. It's all a crap shoot. But, so help me, I'm hoping for us both rolling boxcars and taking home the big prize!

 
At 03 August, 2006 19:06, Blogger Angie said...

I wish I had something to say here. All I can say is that I'm hoping for you.

 
At 03 August, 2006 20:06, Blogger Fertility Faux Pas said...

The waiting is the hardest part, no doubt. It's so hard to stay positive when it feels like there is no end in sight.

But, you know where to come when you feel like you just can't do it anymore. You can, and we'll all help you the best way we know how. Plus, having some dark chocolate ice cream isn't such a bad plan either. Indulge, my dear. You deserve it.

 
At 03 August, 2006 20:37, Blogger Just another Jenny said...

You will make it through this - you know why, there is nothing else you can do. Here is one of my favorite sayings "If your going through hell, keep going". In the big scheme of things, it totally sucks ass but one day at a time, one second at a time, it's doable.

How about you have hope for me, and I'll have hope for you. That'll even things out.

 
At 03 August, 2006 22:30, Blogger Larisa said...

You will make it through IF. I can't tell you how, and I can't tell you when. But we will all make it in some way, some how.

That I know.

 
At 03 August, 2006 22:43, Blogger Thalia said...

You will survive, I promise. It's really really really really hard, but you can get throught his.

 
At 03 August, 2006 23:50, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I ditto what Jenny said. You'll make it through because you have to.

I'm going to keep hoping for you, even if you have none.

Enjoy the ice cream. Sounds fab.

 
At 04 August, 2006 02:12, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Hang in there Lut. This is all so hard sometimes. You will get through this.

 
At 04 August, 2006 05:56, Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh, honey... I'm so sorry... so sorry you are feeling that IF hopelessness right now.

You CAN survive this, you WILL survive this... and your fellow Barren Bitches will be your side through it all.

Smooches...

 
At 04 August, 2006 06:14, Blogger Sparkle said...

Wouldn't dream of telling you any of that claptrap - we all know it's a numbers game and you have to be in it to even have a chance. You're in the game.
Enjoy the ice cream.

 
At 04 August, 2006 06:58, Blogger sube said...

Someone told me once, "Infertility is a temporary state. You won't be going through it forever." I try to remind myself of that now and again.

As for hope for the cycle, at least DH made it to the clinic without incident this time. That has to mean something, right?

 
At 04 August, 2006 12:53, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Unfortunately some people do go through it forever and it is not temporary. All I can say is that I am hoping it is temporary for you and just keep getting up each morning.

 
At 04 August, 2006 15:37, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lut, how about just outsourcing the belief and the hope? Because I'll gladly take it upon myself to believe and hope like mad for you. May the end of your IF struggles be here already.

 
At 04 August, 2006 20:55, Anonymous Meli said...

boy-girl twins for me with IUI...

I'm just sayin...

Good luck! you are strong.

 
At 04 August, 2006 22:05, Blogger projgen said...

I can't give any reassurances about making it through IF, because I haven't and don't know if I will.

I do know that dark chocolate ice cream helps make you feel like you will, even if only for a little while.

Good luck, Lut. Big hugs.

 
At 05 August, 2006 14:33, Blogger Shazz said...

Truswt me I'm not going to sit here and feed ya crap, cause I so hate it when people do it to me. The worst thing a person can say to me is 'it will happen', my come back is oh you have a date for me then..phew I can sit back and relax until that date hits!!
I zm up to my 8th transfer with IVF and you know what, it doesnt get any easier you just deal with it differently and look towards the next one.
Sending hugs xx

 
At 05 August, 2006 15:34, Blogger Meg said...

Lut - Yep, these ladies have given some wise advice here. Instead of that, I will send you love.

I hope you're ok. x

 
At 05 August, 2006 17:00, Blogger ellie said...

Hugs to you- I know after all the stuff we go through it is kind of a let down to be wanting ivf and getting iui. I hope it works out- and I know it is hard to stay optimistic. I think that myself- after X many IUIs why would one be different? I hope one sticks.

 
At 05 August, 2006 23:35, Blogger Millie said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. I think dark chocolate ice cream is definitely called for. And anything else you might enjoy it.

You will survive. You will make it through. I think it would all be so much easier if we knew how the story went, ahead of time. But we're all here for you.

 
At 06 August, 2006 12:58, Blogger N said...

You'll make it through IF somehow! I promise you! Somehow!

Can I have a spoon of the ice cream?

5ww. You see with holidays coming up, the time will fly...ok, whom am I kidding, it'll go slow. But you have a 2ww within the 5 weeks, and who knows what comes out of that?

Take care!

N

 

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