Sunday, August 06, 2006

IFs say the darndest things

I'm feeling a lot better than on the day of the IUI. I'm still not feeling hopeful, but that's ok since you wonderful ladies have that covered. Your kind words of support mean a lot. I realize for some of you it must be hard to read my complaints (for instance those of you waiting to get in the game again, or those of you who have played it umpteen more times then I have already and have the scars to prove it), and it makes me appreciate all of you even more.

To take my mind off things, I went out to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. Nice food, good conversation, what more can one ask for?
On Saturday I went to visit a friend who is PG after IF. I'm very glad for her, but she's clearly suffering from amnesia where IF is concerned. Or maybe she was better at coping with it al allong. I'm glad the hardship of IF is fading for her, don't get me wrong. But sometimes she says the darndest things. Like the fact that she is PG proves there was nothing wrong in the first place. Huh? Oh, and she's sure that will turn out to be the case with me as well. (Gimme that crystal ball!) My protests that the definition of IF is one year of unsuccessful trying is waved off. And she has 3 IVF's under her belt!!! Well 2 were converted to IUI due to bad response, and it's one of those that worked. All I can do is shake my head.

Perhaps I'm being a drama queen about this IF stuff. Are there women out there who undergo treatment without flinching? Who just get on with their lives undisturbed? I don't believe it. Of course, women like that wouldn't blog about it.

What I do know is that I need to pull myself together urgently. Work has suffered under my IF woes, there's no denying it. My superiors haven't noticed anything amiss yet (says as much about them as about me), but that might change fast if I don't get my act together. A large part of me can't be bothered, but mostly I'd like to keep my job, and not perform just average but well.
You know what that means: less time reading blogs and posting.

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At 07 August, 2006 05:38, Blogger soralis said...

Man I we need to drink whatever your friend is drinking. I can't imagine every forgetting almost 11 years of trying and 3 rounds of IVF.

Take care

At 07 August, 2006 05:38, Blogger soralis said...

... and of course Good luck!

At 07 August, 2006 06:45, Blogger Angie said...

I couldn't imagine forgetting this pain either! Joe and I actually had this very discussion today! Out thought were that the pain would ease, but you will always remember.

Good luck!

At 07 August, 2006 07:11, Blogger Sparkle said...

I don't know if it's IF Amnesia or just a desire to be thought of as normal. There's also an ego thing in there for some people, who can't bear to admit that they aren't perfect.

My work was suffering long before I was blogging. I made up my mind that I couldn't even try and go for new jobs etc. I know it sounds like a cop out, and other IF ladies are bloody high-achievers, but I'm in awe of it - the late nights and interstate travel would be impossible for me.

At 07 August, 2006 18:19, Blogger ms. c said...

Ha! Was just on the phone with a friend to whom I said: "I think I spend more time blogging than working." Blogging was my code word for "thinking about and dealing with feelings relating to IF." It does take over. And I'm not at the stage where you are at yet. I can't imagine ever forgetting these feelings or downplaying someone else's who has chosen to confide in me. Maybe your friend has a wonderful therapist?
GOod luck to you Lut!

At 07 August, 2006 18:57, Blogger Just another Jenny said...

It sucks when work cuts into blogging tme. Your friend must be a pretty easy going person, I won't forget a minute of this.

At 07 August, 2006 21:14, Blogger A.M.S. said...

Yeah, it's going to take some hard core pharmaceuticals for me to forget this "character building exercise."

I know what you mean about work cutting into your blog writing/blog reading/obsessing about ttc time. Why can't they just pay us and be happy that our warm bodies actually made it to the office? Half the time, I think that's more effort than my co-workers put in!

At 07 August, 2006 21:33, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I can't imagine ever forgetting this pain. I am glad that you are feeling better.

At 07 August, 2006 23:18, Blogger zhl said...

What a shame that someone who has had such an experience with IF couldn't be there for you. Perhaps she has just swept it all under her mental carpet.

And from your last post, you will get through this, somehow. Really, you will.

At 08 August, 2006 03:11, Blogger projgen said...

Oh, I blogged about this very thing - a woman I know, who went through very difficult, and self-admitted painful years trying to conceive, and was finally successful, actually (!) said to me, "this will work, I know it. I have a feeling."

You have a feeling? Right. Suddenly, after all your years of trying, just because you've finally been blessed with that child, you're now *psychic*?! 'k

You're not being a drama queen. Maybe your friend just needs to forget for her own sanity.

At 08 August, 2006 05:04, Blogger The Town Criers said...

I have a friend like that...somewhat. She took Clomid after TTC for over a year. On her first Clomid cycle, she got pg. Great for her. But what gets under my skin is the fact that she tells people she conceived naturally. Well...yes...more natural than IUI or IVF, but you still had help. A small leg up. I'm not sure why it bothers me. I don't say anything, but I think about it.

But if I had spoken to your friend...well...I don't think I would have been able to hold my tongue...

At 08 August, 2006 15:06, Blogger Meg said...

Lut - Yes, I know the "must get on with things at work" urgncy.. but it's natural to be a mess in the face of all this, you know. Don't be too hard on yourself. x

At 08 August, 2006 17:30, Blogger ellie said...

Gosh, what i'd give to have amnesia about some of this process- maybe it is something they give you with the progestrone shots? :) Nah, I can't imagine ever forgetting any of it. I do have a friend who did IVF 3 times and was just planning on continuing to do it until she got pg. In her mind she had no doubt it would eventually work and it did on the 3rd time. I just don't think I am perky enough to have that kind of optimism.
Good luck- and by the way, you are not a drama queen, I think you are pretty much normal like the rest of us.

At 08 August, 2006 20:41, Blogger Winnifred said...

I too wonder if some people go through this easier than it is for some of us (or ALL of us that blog!) I think i've blogged about that too! BUT my conclusion: HONESTLY - if the thought of IF doesn't make you go crazy - how can a NORMAL person not go crazy on all those hormones???

You know - I thought that i was so scared when i first got pregnant that I wouldn't manage to "accept" the pregnancy. I KNOW i will never be free of this... I know i will never for a second forget... but at least now i'm feeling like htis might actually happen - maybe. It took a long time to even get there - that's how horrible those scars are.

I still don't feel "normal" and especially not around other pregnant people... I seriously need to drink what she's drinking!!

happy thoughts coming your way!! :)

At 09 August, 2006 04:00, Anonymous Alexa said...

Oh, you poor thing. I have run into a lot of that "IF amnesia," and it sucks. Somehow it makes us feel even lonlier when other IFs don't get it, because they are SUPPOSED to understand. I know it has really hurt my performance at work as well.
Good luck sweetie.

At 09 August, 2006 20:10, Anonymous Jennifer said...

A woman in my IF support group is now pregnant with twins. She is so kind and continues to support the rest of us - always asking the "right" questions, but something has changed in her tone and it just bugs me. Last night I talked with a friend who just had her second son from IUI and she said she will never forget those months and months of trying and waiting and being miserable. Her tone has never changed.

Thinking and hoping for you!

At 09 August, 2006 23:26, Blogger Beagle said...

denial is a coping mechanism, maybe that's her excuse?? That does not excuse her lack of support though.

I just can't imagine forgetting.

Good Luck to you this cycle.

At 10 August, 2006 16:37, Anonymous Sarah said...

I can't imagine forgetting. Once you are infertile, that doesn't just go away! It is great when modern technology allows us to overcome the challenges of getting pg, but IVF is not a cure for IF and it certainly doesn't erase the memory of all those years of pain and suffering that came with so many unsuccesful tries. Bizzare.

At 11 August, 2006 14:48, Blogger N said...

I am totally there when it comes to suffereng work. My work has suffered greatly during IVF#1 and I am feeling that it will do the same during IVF#2. I just can't think of anything else.

That's why it is also so hard for me to understand why some women seem to be doing IVF without flinching. Just business as usual. These women seem to live here in Sweden a lot. I on the other hand have to interprete every littel signal my body is giving me and also whine about it....well well. You know what I need to do now? Get on with work :D

Take care and good luck!


At 11 August, 2006 22:45, Blogger Beth said...

Unbelievably I have met such an infertile. I don't know how to relate to her to be honest. Here I thought I had found someone who understood what it was like to be newly pg after IVF and frankly she is all sunshine and daisies. I think Sparkle hit the nail on the head - I think she just wants to be thought of as normal. Personally, I will never forget.

At 13 August, 2006 18:48, Blogger Ornery said...

I don't think I could ever forget my IF experience. Some of the procedures and the drugs do tend to blur together at times, but I still get a visceral reaction whenever I think about all the pain and range of emotions I felt during those years of trying.

Work has been cutting into my blogging time as well, but even if I'm not here to comment, please know that I am thinking of you and hoping so desperately that your IF struggles will end soon.


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