Saturday, October 14, 2006

The difference one year makes

One year ago I started this blog. We were on the brink of starting treatment. I remember being an emotional wreck, crying all the time. Despair reigned. I'm still pessimistic as ever, but don't feel as much off kilter.

Somehow it seems fitting to be on the brink again. Come to think of it, going from Cl0mid to IVF in one year is pretty amazing, considering we're unexplained.


Still the same

I still write like a pensioned civil servant. Always have, always will. You should have seen the marks I got on my essays in school.


Lost

Hordes of PG women in the street? Swarms of women with strollers and/or slings? Gone is the searing pain, the rage against the universe, the secret dark thoughts of lashing out violently. Where or how I lost these sentiments, no idea, but really I don't care. All that's left is a dull feeling of sadness, which I find a bit more bearable.

Now if I could only kick the depression, and get my excuse of a career back on track.


Gained

A sense of belonging.

A firm belief I will make it through this, no matter what the outcome. It'll get worse before it gets better, for sure, but it won't be like this forever.


Resolutions
Every day is a good day to start watching what I eat again?

Try to live in the present.

Find a suitable nickname for dh.



I know where I hope I'll be when another year has rolled by. But it feels foolish to hope for any kind of resolution in the next year. The amount of luck that would take is more than I can wrap my mind around. Then again, luck is random, like lightening, you never know where it will strike.

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16 Comments:

At 14 October, 2006 16:26, Blogger k #2 said...

Sometimes it is LUCK that surprises you the most.

Happy 1 year blogging anniversary! I am glad I have found you!

 
At 14 October, 2006 16:34, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Happy Anniversary!

It is amazing to see all that changes in a year. A year ago, we would have never dreamed that we would be where we are now. I hope that a year from now you will only be writing happy news in here. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

 
At 14 October, 2006 17:07, Anonymous Jys said...

Funny you wrote this post. Just this morning I was lying in bed thinking to myself about what it would have been like if it had all gone differently. If we had made the baby within 3 months of trying. Or even just not lost the one we did make after 10 months. I feel like a different person. Each step of this took me further and further away from identifying with "normal" people. I pray and hope that we finally make our baby with this step, and then maybe feel connected to the world again. But you are right - there is something about this experience that does change you. I think about a year ago, and smile. I am so glad I didn't know what lay ahead. I guess in that sense, I'm glad I don't know where I will be a year from now either. I'll just take it a day at a time.

 
At 14 October, 2006 18:21, Anonymous Lori said...

Happy Anniversary!

I hope the coming year brings the most positive of resolutions.

 
At 15 October, 2006 00:51, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Wow- 1 year! Quite an achievement when you think about it.

I hope that in another year from now I'm still reading your blog, but the content is- shall we say; different?

 
At 15 October, 2006 08:35, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy anniversary.
You know to trot out an old chestnut - often the first IVF cycle can explain the unexplained.

Name for dh - guess the obvious is Mr. C???

 
At 15 October, 2006 21:48, Blogger My Reality said...

My husband gave himself his own nickname. He commented on my blog once and said I could refer to him as Mr. Wonderful. Sometimes, he lives up to the name, but other times, he is a little too male to get things.

I hope that this next year of blogging for you brings lots more changes.

 
At 16 October, 2006 00:21, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy bloggaversary.

You've got some strength left in you, that's for sure. And you've come a long way, and achieved so much. Yes, lost as well as gained, and still waiting for a final resolution. I may not have been around your blog for most of your first year, but here's to the second.

Bea

 
At 16 October, 2006 02:14, Blogger S said...

Happy anniversary to you!

Time certainly flies-I just recently celebrated my second anniversary, so I totally get where you're coming from. I never thought that, two years later, I'd be in the same emotional state as I was when I first started blogging, but I learned so much about myself in that time. Now, to give dh a good nickname....hmmm.....

May the next year bring all of us closer to what we dream of.

 
At 16 October, 2006 15:23, Blogger N said...

Congratulations on your one year anniversary would maybe be wrong to say, or? Maybe saying congratulations on the things you lost and gained and your resulutions is better!

I so hope that you soon have some totally different things to blog about!

 
At 16 October, 2006 23:32, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I'm with jys on this one, I'm glad I didn't know a year ago what I'd be doing today. I don't know if I could have taken it...

I hope the next brings you lots of great news to blog about...

Glad to have met you, Lut!

 
At 16 October, 2006 23:43, Blogger projgen said...

Happy blogiversary ;)

It seems what you've lost is also something you've gained - control of that stupid anger we feel because someone else has what we want. I'm glad those sentiments are gone.

Somehow, the sadness is a little more bearable.

 
At 17 October, 2006 23:32, Blogger Beagle said...

Happy Anniversary!

Blogging has been a great help to me, both reading and writing.

 
At 18 October, 2006 05:22, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

Happy Anniversary. Hope the next year is better.

 
At 18 October, 2006 16:56, Blogger Makariya said...

Happy 1 year Anniversary. I wish you that one year from now you will be where you know you hope to be. I hope that the next year brings you luck, happiness and strength. I guess we all loose and gain some by blogging. I just hope that there is happy end for all of us in sight. Keep the hope alive.

 
At 20 October, 2006 00:02, Blogger Carol said...

wow, your post echoes almost exactly all the things I've been feeling lately. Happy aniversary on the blog. although I'm sorry it's an aniversary you have to have. Best of luck with the IVF.

 

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