Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Because 1 is not enough ...

... I was hit by 2 PG drive-bys today.

#1 Direct hit: A colleague of mine, a wonderful woman, who's company I truly enjoy. This is her third child, second PG since we've been trying. Lovely. I wish her the best, but have no qualms about feeling jealous and bitter.

#2 Way-off hit: An offline IF whom I've met only once (I'm friends with her SIL, and have been informing her about the ins and outs of ART). PG after their first IVF. I'm very happy for them, and wish them smooth sailing. But I'm also a teensy bit envious, and feeling qualms about that. I can't even 'just be happy' for a fellow IF, how miserable is that.

IF is not bringing out the best in me. I have a growing sympathy deficit.

Exhibit A:
Nephew #1 is pretty ill with a serious cold, the parents are pretty distressed, and worried enough to take him to hospital for a checkup.
My reaction (to myself): Meh, he'll pull through, at least they have a kid to worry about.

Exhibit B:
Acquaintance #1 has to have daily injections for a month, but has needlephobia. My reaction (to myself): Get over it already, it's not that hard

I blame the self-pity. It drowns everything else out. I'm hoping it's just a phase.

I've been trying to lay low for the last couple of days. I really, really need to make up for lost time (and lost motivation) at work. Very exhausting.
Besides, there's nothing much going on here. My rest cycle strip of BCPs runs out next Sunday. After that, wait for period and start BCPs for our next attempt.

I've also been trying to let the whole donor issue rest. Trying being the operative word. Last weekend, I was home alone, minding my own business, staying up to late. When I finally went to bed, I had the bright idea of reading other Big Clinic's policy on known donorship. (What, you don't leave stuff like that by your bedside?)
Turns out, they only do known donor with eggs, out of necessity I suppose. Donor sperm is always anonymous. That made me so upset I couldn't sleep. How discriminatory!

Of course I had to spend half of the next day scouring the internet on donor issues.
Luckily, I found some reassuring things. Yet another clinic also prefers anonymous, but claims to review exceptions on an individual basis. That's something at least.
Parliament is considering legislation on ART. Though they persist in treating anonymous donorship as the obvious choice, and don't even organize any form of identity release, known donorship is not outlawed.
Oddly enough, for embryo donation anonymity is mandatory. How utterly illogical. Say two sisters suffer from IF. One manages to create a host of embryo's with her husband and is willing to give some to her sister who is less fortunate. That would be illegal??? But asking the sister to be an egg-donor, and her husband a sperm-donor would be allowed?! The example is pretty extreme and unlikely, but not impossible. I should call my MP and complain.

I'm back to trying to let it rest, at least until after our next high stakes gamble (aka IVF/ICSI) is behind us.

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At 12 December, 2006 23:27, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry about the drive-bys. Those can be so damn hard to deal with. I totally get you on the sympathy thing. I have have a hell of a time finding much these days.

At 12 December, 2006 23:58, Anonymous Kath said...

I hear you, sister. This stuff just gets so hard. And I am equally flummmoxed on the donor issues -- they are so confusing. How is one option more ethical than the other?

At 13 December, 2006 00:18, Blogger projgen said...

I hear ya on the sympathy deficit. I really have to work hard these days to feel for anyone. Is very sucky.

And why are ART laws so stupid and varied and just plain ridiculous? Canada considers eggs "body parts" and since it's illegal to sell body parts, you can't pay someone to donate an egg. Feh.

At 13 December, 2006 04:10, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, some interesting laws there. You're right about the strange loopholes re embryos - would they not consider things case by case to some degree?

And the sympathy deficit, as others have said, is normal. I do the same. Don't beat yourself up.


At 13 December, 2006 05:02, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I SO leave that stuff my my bedside table. Really, you do also, you mean I am not crazy and obsessive? It had good reason for being there - what if I have a burning question that is keeping me up at night.

Sorry about your pg notifications - it always sucks regardless of who it is. Only a true infertile can understand the complexitiy of this situation without judgement.

At 13 December, 2006 11:22, Blogger Thalia said...

Oh, I hate everyone right now. Any baby I see, any happy parent, I direct beams of infertile intolerance at them. Not good, but I've stopped caring!

At 13 December, 2006 17:42, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't beat yourself up over the drive by feelings...they are your feelings and you are being honest. We get it...all too well!

I am similar to you...I lay awake at night and think of all of the what if's. Then, you add in all of the strange legislation that rules IF and it gets even more perplexing. Augh

At 13 December, 2006 22:45, Blogger Angie said...

I was nodding through your entire post! I agree with you whole-heartedly. Thinking of you!

At 14 December, 2006 07:29, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drive-bys are never easy.

I worry about the lack of sympathy in myself too. I worry that I don't care too.

It's exhausting!

At 14 December, 2006 22:38, Anonymous statia said...

It's ok for you to feel jealous, even for fellow infertiles. Yes, you're happy, but it's still really hard when you've been waiting for a positive all of these years too. I completely understand.

At 14 December, 2006 22:55, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

You *know* I can relate... The preg drivebys completely stink.

Those are some strange laws... I don't quite understand the logic either!

At 15 December, 2006 01:21, Blogger Mony said...

You are a treasure.

Loved this post. And chiming in with another "I Understand!"

2 pg SIL's myself & my own beautiful cousin who has her 2nd IVF pregnancy underway.....I am envious without a doubt.

Not proud. Not ashamed.

At 15 December, 2006 05:10, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the little jingle you posted on my blog. I have been humming it all day and have added a few verses.

You crack me up!

At 16 December, 2006 01:33, Blogger ellie said...

I think you are prefectly normal-- the sympathy is just alittle harder to muster with all this IVF stuff. I hope your week goes better. I am back on the bcps and will be cycling again in Jan. May the good karma from the december pink lines extend into the new year for those of us still cycling. :)

At 16 December, 2006 09:28, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The lack of sympathy is sadly normal. At least I hope so, otherwise I went through years of being a total b**** inside my head... thinking petulant thoughts (why do you have a baby and I don't!), thinking nothing was fair.
And as for drive bys... at one point, I even had to avoid a part of London because it had so many pregnant women and toddlers. And when my very own sister in law and brother told me they were pregnant I held it together through dinner and then went home... and wept.
Oh, I've have books by my bed too....
I don't understand about the egg and sperm issue. Perhaps there is a feeling that mothers are more important... as there is a general tendency against anonymity for donor eggs isn't there? I just can't imagine why this is. In the end the egg and the sperm are both needed to make the baby.
Is anonymity actually mandatory?? or could someone import open donor sperm - say from the US???? I'd say come to the UK, but there doesn't seem to be any sperm knocking around.


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