Saturday, October 28, 2006

Level up

I should have called/posted sooner. My period arrived the very next day and Friday I went for my supression check.
Lining is thin, RO showed 5 antral follicles, LO was not to be found.

I know I have a LO, it joined the fun in a couple of the previous cycles, I just seem to have misplaced it for the moment. My dr. reassured me we'll find it next time, it'll be hard to miss with all those follicles growing*. Will this make ER harder? Gravity should make it fall into a better position, unless it's stuck up there somehow. I guess we'll deal with that when it happens.

Those 5 antral follicles on the right are something to work with*, and I was relieved to see them, but I'm not really impressed. Then again, it was a cursory glance the dr. took. Perhaps these 5 are only the largest ones and there are smaller ones hiding there*. For my first IVF I get to think greedy, there's plenty of time to be disappointed later.

Anyhow, my bloodwork showed all is clear for takeoff. I start stimming on Sunday with two vials of Men0pur. For the moment, I'm feeling surprisingly laid back about this cycle, in a "let's see where this takes us kind of way". I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

*Speculation, standard disclaimers apply.

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Watch it

Nothing is going on here. NOTHING! And I thought IVF was going to be a whirlwind of action and excitement. (Read: I had hoped to be stimming by now).

Last Friday, I took the last BCP and started waiting for my period to show up. It's been so long since I last took BCPs, I can't remember how long it used to take for my period to show up. Not a clue. At the last appointment, when I got my protocol, the doctor estimated it would take 3 to 4 days. It's been 5 days, and still not a sign.

What to do? Be patient? Until Friday? Sunday? Next week? Or call the doctor now? After some back and forth, I decided to call. Of course.
The doctor didn't seem concerned and reassured me that there might only be a minimal amount of blood loss. In any case, I can come in on Monday, period or no period. Good, now I can put a ticker on my site.*


For your amusement, this is a tidbit I read in a women's magazine in an article about severe PMS:

Can PMS be treated with medication? A few years ago, a promising treatment came out in the market in the form of a nose-spray.
It supresses PMS by inducing an artificial menopause. Unfortunately it causes hot flashes and sweating, which hasn't made it very popular.

Sound familiar? Since my last post, I've been experiencing some of these lovely side-effects. Not too bad though, but noticeable.

Right, back to periodwatch.

* I didn't say that of course. And I'm too lazy to put a ticker on.

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Window of opportunity

Some people feel they're jinxed with infertility. Not me. I have my share of irrational thoughts though. I call mine 'the window of opportunity'.

Whenever I hear about a friend's or relative's, or even an acquaintance's PG, I feel a sense of certainty that they'll deliver their baby before I ever get a shot. Well, I've been right so far. Now, I come across a lot of people, so a window of opportunity only opens up rarely and it's pretty narrow.

A good friend of mine, PG after many a struggle, is almost due. More importantly, she is the only one expecting that I know of. Her baby should be born before my cycle is over. A window of opportunity will be opening up, surely.

Not any more. Another PG anouncement has come in on the grape-vine. Poof, no more window of opportunity. Sigh. It's irrational and completely illogical, I know that. There's no reasoning with a gut feeling.

The thing is, I now have to deal with this somehow. The women in question, let's call her Ruth, I've known her since childhood. We've drifted apart since going away to different colleges, sure, but I've wanted to rekindle the friendship a few times. Only I haven't told her what we've been going through. I was afraid it would be a sensitive issue, since her husband was pretty against having children before they married. Apparantly, that has been resolved (thankfully).

Her being PG isn't going to make telling her any easier. What can I say? "Congratulations on your PG, best of luck ...
  • ... I'm so glad you're not facing our journey through hell."
  • ... I can't bear to hear anything about it."
  • ... Any chance of you giving your second to me?"
Bitter, jealous, moi?

Chances are, she heard about our problems through the grape-vine as well, and doesn't know what to say either.
Sigh, I should call her or write an e-mail, but I'd rather hide.

At least I've got the IVF to think of, while I wait for the next window of opportunity. Speaking of which, I'm almost done with the BCPs. I've been taking the Supre.fact nasal spray without any noticeable effect. I wonder if it's working, but not obsessively. I had no side-effects from Cl0mid or Men0pur and those seemed to do their thing.
Perhaps that's what's wrong with me, my body isn't sensitive to the relevant hormones. Just a wild guess.

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

The difference one year makes

One year ago I started this blog. We were on the brink of starting treatment. I remember being an emotional wreck, crying all the time. Despair reigned. I'm still pessimistic as ever, but don't feel as much off kilter.

Somehow it seems fitting to be on the brink again. Come to think of it, going from Cl0mid to IVF in one year is pretty amazing, considering we're unexplained.


Still the same

I still write like a pensioned civil servant. Always have, always will. You should have seen the marks I got on my essays in school.


Lost

Hordes of PG women in the street? Swarms of women with strollers and/or slings? Gone is the searing pain, the rage against the universe, the secret dark thoughts of lashing out violently. Where or how I lost these sentiments, no idea, but really I don't care. All that's left is a dull feeling of sadness, which I find a bit more bearable.

Now if I could only kick the depression, and get my excuse of a career back on track.


Gained

A sense of belonging.

A firm belief I will make it through this, no matter what the outcome. It'll get worse before it gets better, for sure, but it won't be like this forever.


Resolutions
Every day is a good day to start watching what I eat again?

Try to live in the present.

Find a suitable nickname for dh.



I know where I hope I'll be when another year has rolled by. But it feels foolish to hope for any kind of resolution in the next year. The amount of luck that would take is more than I can wrap my mind around. Then again, luck is random, like lightening, you never know where it will strike.

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

A letter

Dear docter,

If you're reading this, you've found my blog. As you can see, mostly, I write about myself, about the infertility that has me in its grip and how I try to cope. Since you and your team play a prominent role in my coping strategy, I'm bound to mention you here now and again.

Perhaps you find it distressing or inappropriate to be a subject of conversation on the internet. Perhaps you find some of the things I've written unfair, thoughtless or inaccurate. Perhaps the flippant and sometimes sarcastic tone of my posts makes you frown.

The reason you're my doctor is because I respect you as a professional and trust you with my care. Though infertility is a medical issue first and foremostly, it has a much wider impact on my life. Dealing with the fallout takes a number of strategies. A blog is one of mine.

Keeping a diary is known to be therapeutic and was suggested to me by my counsellor. This was my motivation to start a blog. Quickly, I realized it was much more than that.
The public nature of blogging adds an extra dimension, which I find invaluable. Through my blog and my participation in other blogs I have found a connection to an entire community of likeminded women (and some men). Their understanding and support has made the world of difference.

Before, intense feelings of sadness, anger and frustration often overwhelmed me. These feelings haven't gone, but they're less threatening as I now know they're normal and have an outlet for them.

For my own reasons, I've opted to write under a pseudonym. This decision protects my privacy, as well as that of anyone else mentioned here. So even if this is a public forum, my blog does not subject you to true public scrutiny. Even so, this may not completely dispell your unease, though I hope to a great extent it does.

My flippancy and at times sarcasm does not mean I don't take my condition, your treatment or your expertise seriously. Humour is a tried and tested way to deal with stress and frustration, both of which are in plenty supply when it comes to infertility. Children benefit immensely from hospital clown visits. One fertility clinic notes clowns even increase the succes rate of treatments.

Finally, since this is a diary, what I write is essentially subjective in nature. Parts have been exaggerated for effect, others aspects have been glossed over. My mood dictates the direction I take, and sometimes it isn't pleasant. Letting the uglyness out where it can do no harm, makes it more bearable.

After reading this letter, I hope you understand why I've taken the liberty of writing about our encounters. I hope you'll agree that by writing pseudonymously, I have taken your interests duely into account. I sincerely hope you'll be willing to continue treating us.

Kind regards,

Lut



This post was inspired by what happened to Thalia last week. I hope Thalia finds a way forward that she's more or less comfortable with. I wouldn't like to see her go, but that's a decision only she can make.

Liana's take on this gave me food for thought, as well, from the perspective of a 'nymous' blogger.

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Friday, October 06, 2006

I'm it, it, it (updated)

UPDATE:
Meri-Ann just gave me a C on my homework, and rightly so, for not sticking to the assignment. Watch this post become a total mess while I try to correct that.

There's little to tell about the cycle for the moment. Take 1 BCP and 1 vitamin pill every day. Yawn. DH is getting a bit stressed out though. HIS phone is ringing every night and he then has to remind me to take them. I bet it's starting to dawn on him how burdensome this IVF thing is for me. Right.

But I have some unfinished homework to do. I've been tagged by Meri-Ann, ages ago to be honest. So here are some random thoughts about 4 random words:

Passion
- a kind of perfume I don't wear? Easy, I don't were perfume, too much hassle.

Doubt - Spreading Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt (FUD), a dirty trick used in marketing and politics.

Clear - as in Clear Blue HPT, those nasty sticks that never bring me good news.

Hallway - Hall.mark moments, though I prefer the parodies.

These are the words Katty gave me! I wrote a draft weeks ago, and then forgot all about it.

I've been tagged by Katty, too!
So here are some random thoughts about 4 random words:

Reason - Rhyme, as in there's no rhyme or reason to infertility, it doesn't server a purpose, it just is.

Unplug - I internet, therefor I am. Let's not speak of unplugging, shall we?

Natural - ......... drawing a blank here. Modern life is unnatural in many ways, and an infertile's life even more so.

Grace - Laura Ingalls little sister.


Where did these come from then? Katty's too, only the ones she did herself, not the ones she gave me. What was I smoking?

And now Projgen tagged me as well! My dear!
So here are some random thoughts about 4 random words:

Parsley - Grandpa's vegetable garden. He grows the best tomatoes I've ever eten. Grandma pops them in boiling water for a minute till the skins loosen. Peeled tomato's with homegrown onions and parsley. YUM!

Cardboard - Homeless people, living in cardboard boxes, holding up cardboard signs.

Kosher - Halal. Similar but not the same.

Ice - ICE-T! Body Count in da house! Oh yes, I went to THAT kind of parties when I was a teenager. Other hits of the time include 'Killing in the name' by Rage Against The Machine and 'Too many puppies' by Primus. Heavy metal wasn't my top favorite, but I can tell you that Mad0nna and M1chael Jacks0n NEVER featured in my CD collection.


LOL! Forgot all about the passing on NEW words rule. I redid Projgen's words! These are the ones I should have done:

mountains - "I'll take you to the highest mountain, to the depths of the deepest sea and we won't need a map, believe me" (Depeche Mode, World in my eyes)

ocean - "live beside the ocean, leave the world behind, swim out past the brakers, watch the world die" (Everclear, Santa Monica)

music - "Last night a D.J. saved my life with a song", (Indeep)

zen - "Everything zen, everything zen, I don't think so" (Bush, Everything Zen)


All that's left for me to do is tag 4 more unsuspecting bloggers: Babyblue, Don't know much biology, Lady S., Life is Beautiful.

And these are their random words, courtesy of the random word generator:

loops

identity

downstairs

litter


WRONG, still have to do Meri-Ann's words, and they're tough ones!

scrotum - not his best feature. Not any man's 'best feature' I'd hope.

television - keeps me company while I surf the net, don't ask me about story lines though.

thrill
- can't remember the last time I was thrilled. Thrills aren't what I'm looking for, simple contented happiness would do fine for me.

pyjamas
- frugality is not buying new pyjamas for 5 years

Given that I'm so awfully bad at following up with tags (I've proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt now!), let me make a suggestion:
pick someone from the Campfire section of my blogroll in stead and tag them with my compliments. All right, just for once then.

Now I must go take those pills. DH just texted me a reminder.

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