Sunday, February 04, 2007

Date confirmed - parcelling out sorrow

Friday's blood results were apparently inconclusive, a low E2 level I think the dr said. So I was invited back for a scan and a blood draw on Saturday morning.

All looked well on the scan and the blood work must have been all right, since the retrieval has been confirmed for Monday around noon (CET). I'll be having the twilight sedation again, but I do expect to remember how to operate a computer and stay awake long enough to update.

Meanwhile my anticipation is steadily increasing and not in a good way.

In an effort to distract myself, I met up with a friend of mine and her baby (made in ART) to go for a walk. Afterwards, we stopped in a tearoom for hot drinks and sweets. A relaxing afternoon, until the table next to us was taken over by several couples and their bunch of tots. Ignoring them was pretty hard since they were acquainted with my friend.
I was ok with it, these are strangers, nothing to do with me. Talk about growth spurts, breastfeeding, viral infections, ... one ear in, other ear out.

But then, then they started listing all the people they knew who were PG, and such-and-such who were getting married, and babies would no doubt follow soon after.
I cracked at that, eyes welled up, managed to fight it long enough to pay the bill, but then I had to get out of there. Only I couldn't, because my friend was in the ladies room, I couldn't just disappear.
Luckily, she only needed one glimpse of me to see what was up, hugged me and told me to go on outside, she'd catch up with me. Relief, escape! And tears flowing freely.

There was nothing WRONG with them having that conversation. Had I been in their shoes, I would probably talk with the same casual air and taken-for-granted-ness. But I'm not, and I can't (any more). I just didn't need to hear that.
I hate crying in public, but I don't feel bad about possibly marring these people's perfect afternoon. After all, they can talk about it a little while, and then move on again. I think of it as parcelling out my sorrow, not that I feel it works.

Oh well, the tears were long overdue anyway, and the afternoon was pleasant for 95%, thanks to my supportive friend.

By the way, I can find unsuitable distractions in the comfort of my own home.
I'm watching Desperate Wousewives, the one where Gabby and Carlos take home a baby.

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At 04 February, 2007 14:22, Blogger Bea said...

Sometimes it gets a bit much. And you know, I'd like to be noble... no fuck it, that's not true. You're right, they can shake their heads in sorrow for five minutes and move on. There's no need to take an emotional beating instead of politely getting yourself out of a situation, just so no-one else's afternoon is marred. Tense times, you need to protect yourself a bit.

I think you did very well.


At 04 February, 2007 14:54, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lut, that sounds... horrible. Conversations like that are so difficult. The first few minutes are OK, and then things become less and less bearable -- it's like lifting something really big and heavy, and after a while your muscles just give out. I'm glad you had such an understanding friend. And I wouldn't worry about those people's comfort level too much. I think it's OK when people realize (if they realize) that all-too-obvious talk about fertility can really inflict pain.

My dear, I'm wishing you so much luck for tomorrow.

At 04 February, 2007 16:31, Blogger Aurelia said...

Oh Lut, this is a hard'd think among that crowd there would be one person who would realize that marriage does NOT equal babies right away.
I like Kath's comparison. Sometimes our muscles do give out. *Sigh*

At 04 February, 2007 16:58, Blogger My Reality said...

Oh Lut, I am glad the dreadful situation didn't ruin your whole day. Sometimes it is just too much to deal with.

I think you handled the whole thing well. It is good to have friends that get all of this.

I hope that your retrieval goes well on Monday, I will be sending good thoughts across the ocean.

At 04 February, 2007 18:34, Blogger Kris said...

Those conversations are so hard. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be that carefree about my reproductive abilities.

Good luck on Monday!

At 04 February, 2007 19:11, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will be thinking of you guys tomorrow and hoping for good news. Believe it or not, for a lot of us, the whole talk about babies thing wears thin really quickly (it did for me even when my son was a baby). And the good news is that everyone eventually grows out of it.
Hang in there Lut

At 04 February, 2007 20:23, Blogger Thalia said...

It's so hard, isn't it? Particularly when you feel like an idiot for being upset.

Just keep the eye on the prize, it sounds like the cycle is going well. I'm keeping it all crossed for you for tomorrow.

At 04 February, 2007 21:57, Blogger serenity said...

I hate when the grief creeps up on you in public places. I agree with Bea- you handled it wonderful.

Wanted to de-lurk and wish you much luck tomorrow. I will be hoping for the best for you.

Hope you don't mind if I add you to my blogroll to keep up on your journey?

At 05 February, 2007 00:23, Blogger Bumble said...

Hi Lut, somedays we can take conversations like that and somedays just not. It can get so tough and just creep up out of the blue and crush you again. You handled it really well though. I'll be thinking of you today and hoping for great results!

At 05 February, 2007 00:41, Blogger Susan said...

I'm impressed that you handled it as well as you did. It's so hard to get through situations like that, and its so hard to know when it will get to be too much. Hang in there.

At 05 February, 2007 02:22, Blogger S said...

Good luck tomorrow Lut! I'll be thinking good retrieval thoughts for you.....

At 05 February, 2007 13:49, Blogger Beagle said...

Good Luck today! Will be thinking of you.

(Sorry about that tough encounter in the tea room. Ugh!)

At 05 February, 2007 15:40, Blogger Margo said...

I am sorry that you had to deal with that difficult situation when you were out with your friend. Hug.

Good luck today! I will be checking back for updates.

At 05 February, 2007 16:48, Blogger lucKy #2 said...

Oh Lut. I am so sorry for the tearoom b.s. It is so painful to have to listen to that baby talk when you just want a baby.

At least your friend was understanding and must be a good shoulder to lean on with her own ART experience. Hang in there.


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