Friday, March 02, 2007

I'm still cringing, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I thought seeing my PG co-worker would be easier, now that we've had some good news. It isn't really.

I'm angry. Angry that she got this hassle-free, while I had to wait for 3 years and go through treatment. Mind you, I'm not angry with her, or at myself, I'm just angry.

She's about 3 months ahead of me and just starting to show (or so I think). Each time I see her, I think 'what if I don't make it that far?'. Or worse, what if I do make it that far, only to still fail?

And of course my female co-workers flock around her over lunch, to chat about all things baby. Nutrition, sleeping position, daycare, ...  Most of them are very young and still single, only one or two already have kids, so I've been spared the birthing stories mostly.
Such chatter is perfectly normal, but nonetheless it makes me cringe. It's the carefree tone, no padding with 'if all goes well', 'wait and see', ...

In a way, I'm envious. It's not that I want to be the center of attention in stead of her, I don't think that would be enjoyable for me with my IF baggage. I'm envious because she can enjoy it.  Secretly, I'm thinking about how long I could keep a PG private (if all goes well).  It doesn't matter much, I suppose. I'm sure after only a few 'if all goes well's and 'wait and see's interest will fade (please, leave me this illusion).

Contrary to what you might think from this post, I'm coping with the wait till the scan fairly well. I'm worried of course, but not in a frantic way. I'm not expecting bad news, but not expecting good news either. I'm waiting.

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15 Comments:

At 02 March, 2007 22:41, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lut, great, now I can't get that melody out of my head! But I love your new lyrics.

It's hard to listen to all that talk without the padding, to be exposed to the fearless pregnancy perspective and be unable ever to share it. I don't think that feeling ever goes away, really. But I do hope it gets better, and that your waiting is amply rewarded.

 
At 02 March, 2007 22:53, Blogger Carol said...

I know what you mean - I still have a hard time looking at pregnant women or babies that I see around. I still don't feel part of that club - it's still painful to see other people who (I assume) got there so easily. I wonder if that ever goes away.

 
At 02 March, 2007 23:57, Blogger Aurelia said...

Yes, hideous listening to that, and still, you may be able to feel like you can joke too at some point...really. Maybe?

 
At 03 March, 2007 00:36, Blogger namaste said...

I'll admit it. I'm still jealous of every other woman that I imagine got pregnant "the easy way." I'd thought this feeling would dissipate, but no.

Do you have an ultrasound scheduled? That's the next big hurdle... seeing the heartbeat. (Or heartbeats). I can't wait to hear back from you once you do. xo

 
At 03 March, 2007 01:02, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I'm still padding my words with "if all goes well" too... even though I feel positively about things, I am still realistic enough to know that things could still happens.

But until the next scan, I'm just going to put my fingers in my ears and chant "la la la la - I'm pregnant and everything will be fine."

Want to join me?

 
At 03 March, 2007 01:39, Blogger ak1908 said...

Hi Lut,
I know it will be a long weekend until you get your scan on Monday, but I am rooting for you and the little passenger on board!!!!! I can't wait to read your post (with awesome news) on Monday. Sorry you had to hear all that chatter.

 
At 03 March, 2007 05:19, Blogger The Road Less Travelled said...

I hear you, my emotions range from anger, resentment and just plain old sadness. I wish you well, and hope you get some good news.

 
At 03 March, 2007 13:34, Blogger Mony said...

I have been away Lut & am just settling in to do my blog catch up's. I came over here pronto...oh I wished & wished that I would find a joyous entry from you! The suspense! I was not disappointed! LUT!!! Oh my sweet twisted sister!Did you hear me squeal like a wee piggy? Did you? The news is splendid! And you are a worthy bearer of such miraculous tidings! ...and of course, I do not underestimate your anxiety. But I shall Yipee away anyhow!

 
At 03 March, 2007 21:34, Blogger Sami said...

I feel your pain... my coworker is about 7 weeks ahead of me and while I think it's great she's vicarious and planning... I just am no there yet. I get angry when I hear the chatter and think - why can't I let go of my fears... Ultimately good luck with the u/s - when is it again?

 
At 04 March, 2007 03:27, Blogger My Reality said...

I don't know if I will ever get over the pregnancies that happen so easily. I am nothing but thrilled and excited when someone gets pregnant after working so hard.

I am hoping for great news with the scan, Lut.

 
At 04 March, 2007 04:07, Blogger Angie said...

OMG! First off, CONGRATS!!! I have been away for too long. I'm sorry that I missed the big news. I hope that you have a truly wonderful 9 months!

 
At 04 March, 2007 05:38, Blogger Bumble said...

Its totally OK to feel like this, you've been in the trenches way too long and fought tooth and nail to get this far. Of course you'll still feel like that. We are different to normal fertile women, but one day you'll be the one they're all oohing and aahing over with your cute little bump. Good luck at your scan x

 
At 04 March, 2007 10:02, Blogger Bea said...

Glad you're coping. I don't think I'll ever be part of that happy-happy excited club, but I can't help but think the heights of their happiness and depths of their joy will be nothing compared to the post-IF parent. They'll have it spread too thin, like a flat, empty plain.

Bea

 
At 04 March, 2007 19:33, Blogger Lyrehca said...

I'm deep into my third trimester and I still punctuate my sentences with "knock wood" and "if everything goes well" and "happy and healthy" phrases. When people ask me if I'm excited, I honestly just say we're taking it day by day. I hope all your days are filled with "happy and healthies" too. Good luck Monday.

 
At 05 March, 2007 16:38, Blogger lucky #2 said...

I didn't believe it would all work out until my daughter was in my arms. And even then it took a few days to realize that I had managed to actually get pregnant! I was so nervous the whole time and that is my biggest regret...I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancy and the wonders of it all. But, my IF battle stole that from me too.

Damn, IF.

Crossing my fingers until Monday's post...

 

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