Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Average revisited

Quick follicle report:

RO: 5 - with one already measuring 14x20mm, the rest are smaller (approx. 11mm)
LO: 2 - as far as we could tell, it was hiding again.

There are some stragglers on both ovaries, so a few more may appear. The dr reassured me that I should not worry about the one that's taken a head start. It can grow a lot bigger still - while we wait for the rest to get the right size, I suppose he meant.

Truth be told, I'm still not impressed with these numbers. But let's not rehash all that, I'll just go back to this post and read your comments again.

Then, I can be grateful that no new worries have been heaped on my plate (yet).
Because, frankly, I have my hands full with the one I have. There's a tape loop in my head going: "I'm sorry, you have zero".
No worries, I've got it under control, by chanting "ha-re ICSI, ha-re rama, ha-re ICSI, ha-re rama, ICSI, ICSI, ha-re, ha-re". My co-workers do look at me a bit funny these days, but that's just the price to pay.

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Sunday, January 28, 2007

Breezin'

Thanks for your input on my dosage. After only two nights of shots, I felt occasional twinges in my abdomen. My imagination, surely, or wishful thinking. Or perhaps not, my short ride on the hometrainer was definitely more uncomfortable than before.* On Wednesday I'll find out if it's all in my head or not.



Meanwhile fertility abounds elsewhere, as usual. A colleague and his wife waiting for their second child to be born, any day now. It's their second child since we've been failing for one. Right now, I'm surprisingly cool with that.



A dear friend has just had her first baby. I'm planning to visit her next friday, but have delegated the gift shopping to my mom.

This afternoon, BIL and SIL#2 came to visit with their adorable 8 month old son. A delightful little boy, who - I hope - charmed DH a bit. I was charmed more than I needed to be, but not more than I could bear.



I feel I'm dissociating myself from other people's babies. It has nothing to do with me, why should I be affected? I cannot imagine us ever being successful with treatment. And even though I can imagine us adopting down the line (in a far and distant future), that would most likely be a toddler, not baby. It's a coping method, useful, but I'm constantly aware of the fragility of it's protection.



* I bought myself an indoor bike for Christmas. The leaflet says moderate exercise is warranted in the
beginning. I take that very seriously. ;-)

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Monday, January 22, 2007

Liftoff

Just a quick note on my baseline scan:
- suppression: ok!
- antral follicles: similar amount as last time

I may start stimming this Thursday (I had hoped sooner, say today, but a few days won't make the difference.)

Daily dose is 150 units of G0nal-F.
Is that a very low dose? I had expected 225 units as a starting dose, don't remember if my dr. mentioned this number before or whether I picked it up elsewhere.
When I asked how this compared to my Men0pur dose, he said it was a bit lower than the 3 vials I ended up using, though they reckon G0nal-F is more potent. We'll see.

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Friday, January 19, 2007

Timewarp

If you're using a feed aggregator to read my blog, you may have noticed old posts popping back up as new. I haven't fallen into a timewarp, just the next best thing: I've upgraded to the new blogger. Adding a label apparently makes the post all shiny and new. Oh well, about 100 posts to go.


Quick cycle update: period has arrived exactly on time! Tomorrow is officially CD1.
I can't decide if that's a good sign, or a bad sign. I reckon it's about as reliable a sign as reading tea leaves, rolling dice or asking a magic eight ball.

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Stir it up

Birthdays really stir up some emotions! Thanks for sharing - good, bad and ugly.

About the timeline, what gets to me most is the irony of the situation. Life is not something you can plan. For the most part, I've approached it as such and rolled from one thing to the next. Of course one can dream and have ambitions.

The 30-thing was never meant as a firm deadline, it was a way to decide
on my priorities. I innocently thought that 5 years was a pretty wide
margin to have 1 child, maybe 2. One of the reasons I had the audacity to even consider such a plan is that I was in a stable relationship (then boyfriend, current husband).

I know there is no lesson here. Other people do plan they're lives in much more detail, and get away with it. It's just one of those things that comes back to haunt you.


In cycle news, I never did call my doctor. I did decide to start sniffing 4 days earlier than originally scheduled, and to stop the BCP 4 days earlier too. Baseline scan is still scheduled for next Monday, which should be CD 2 or 3. What a coincidence. ;-)

I find I'm obsessing more about the cycle than I would like, but what can one expect. I only have an alarm going off 4 times a day, so I don't forget my medication. I'm worried, but also eager to get this attempt over and done with. Who knows, we might make some progress.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Something to look forward to

This year I turn 30.

When I was 20 - young, wild and in college - I sometimes thought about what I wanted out of life.
If you don't live a day past 30, what is the one thing you want to have done? Invariable, my answer was 'start a family'.

Not that I would ever say so to my friends. What young women enjoying higher education wants to admit her most burning ambition is to become a mommy? Qualifications not required (though often advantageous).

I wanted to be a young mother. Career first, would have meant delaying a family till 35, 38, 40? I knew about declining fertility in women, even back then. I wasn't prepared to take that risk.

Family first, meant I might never have a highflying career. Once you've left the job carousel, who will let you back on? That, however, was a risk I was willing to take.

This year I turn 30

With the benefit of hindsight, would I make a different choice? No. IF is bad and one of those things that doesn't improve with aging. Being young(ish) hasn't shielded me from infertility, but it's true that I have the option to set a slower pace and defer a decision about adoption until a little later. For that, I'm exactly as thankful as I should be.

This year I turn 30

I had hoped to be heavy with #2 by now. In reality, my chances of being heavy with #1 by the time my birthday rolls around are slim. Or ever?

Meanwhile, I feel I ought to invest my involuntary childfree time in building a career. Instead I can't decide whether I just don't care enough or am just too depressed.

I ought to go out, see movies, plays, expositions, ... and enjoy the good life. For the longest time, I've just wanted to hide. Hide from all the blatant fertility out there.

Seize the day. Something for me to work on.

This year I turn 30

Fortunately, turning 30 in itself doesn't bug me.

So, where were you at 30? Did you have a big celebration?
If 30 is still in front of you, where do you hope to be? Have you started planning your big celebration?

Monday, January 01, 2007

Jan 1st is just another day

Like Nina, I really need a break from IF. Where is the OFF button, dammit!?
Like Nina, I've had to settle for a break from IF blogging. But that's over now,
so let us mention it no more.

The holidays weren't too hard on me, lots of good food enjoyed with
good company. Only the traditional new years visit to my extended
family was a bit hard, even though there is only one cute pre-schooler
to be jealous of. It made me realize one thing: though I'm not
feeling as depressed now as I felt a month or two ago, I'm not back to
my old self. It feels like I've looked down the pit of despair, but
managed to scramble away from the edge, but just by a meter. Not a
wide margin.

The visit to the in-laws will be next weekend. You'll be glad to know
that photographic Christmas cards have made it here. Boy was I happy
to see the cherubic little faces of the Nephews when I opened the
mail. And I mean cherubic in the most literal sense, as one was even
wearing angel wings. (When he turns 16, I'm digging that one up
again!)

A quick cycle update:
my period arrived finally on the 23d of December (= 6th day after the
last BCP!), started BCPs again on the 25th, phoned my dr when he
returned a couple of days later to make arrangements for a baseline
scan.
Since 6 days seems to be the average it takes for my period to show
after a round of BCPs, I asked whether I could book an appointment for
a baseline scan during that window.
Dr: No problem, we could even do it now as nothing will change as long
as you're on the pill.
Me: Really?
Dr: Are you sniffing already?
Me: No, you told me to do another full round of BCPs first.
Dr: Ah yes. Why don't you come in straight after this course of BCPs.
Me: OK.
Me: (to myself) Darn, should have suggested I could starting sniffing
straight away, since I've already done the rest cycle on BCPs

This made me wonder what the baseline scan is actually for. To check
for cysts? That's assuming none can develop while on BCPs. To look at
the endometrium? To check hormone levels?

Anyway, I now have a baseline scan booked for the 22nd of January. I
expect my period to arrive two days later, if at all. I suppose I
won't be allowed to stim before that. We'll see.

Meanwhile, best wishes to you all for the New Year.

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