Monday, February 18, 2008

4 months today!

Linnea is 4 months old today. I can barely believe it. She's grown a
lot in that time. She weighs 6 kg now (born at 2,8) and measures 61 cm
(born at 48 cm). Amazing!

A year ago I was still in the 2WW. I can barely imagine where I would
be today if that cycle hadn't worked. Tried a FET? Done another fresh
cycle, or two? Racked up some more BFN's? Endured a loss? Spiraled
deeper into depression or regained my footing in spite of adversity?
There's no way of knowing and frankly I'd rather not think about it
too much. In stead, I thank my lucky stars daily.

Reading about the horrible losses others are suffering, remind me how
easily things could have been so very different. And there's nothing I
can say that will make it any better for them. Bliss ought to be
something you could bake cookies out of, so you could pass them around
and share at least a moments worth with others. I found it easier to
share my misery with others than I do my happiness. My unhappiness
spread around me like ripples on a lake, even when I wanted to contain
it. I wish my happiness would do the same, but I find it takes effort
to come out.

Here are a number of things I want to remember about my girl ...

... the way she paddles her feet against my thigh when I nurse her
lying in bed.
... how her little fingers move as if they're dancing.
... the expressions on her face as she nurses.
... how she smiles on the boob towards the end of a feed.
... the way she coos at me on the changing table, looking at me
intensely, telling me a story in a language I don't understand but
somehow the message still comes across.
... napping, belly-to-belly.
... how she lifts her leg while nursing, like the gauge on the gas tank.
... that universal baby expression of distress when she cries.
... those gorgeous smiles she's so generous with.

Only one more month off from work ...