Thursday, February 05, 2009

The dark side

Yesterday I was talking to a dear friend of mine. Somehow, I let slip
that we were going to do a FET. She was very excited and hopeful for
us, though she understands my apprehension.

She told me I was fortunate that DH and I are both on the same page.
She's ready for number two but her husband has cold feet. She'd
already told me this a while back, and I sympathize with her. It must
be frustrating.
Now she told me she was hoping she might be 'oops' pregnant. Faux
'oops' in her case, real 'oops' for her husband. So she's hopeful but
nervous too, because her hub's reaction worries her.
Because I'm her friend, she confided in me. What could be more natural?

I'm glad we were talking on the phone. I want to be supportive, as she
is to me. It's easier to hide mixed emotions on the phone, and those
came bubbling to the surface instantly.

An 'oops' pregnancy, if only. Jealousy.

If she gets PG now, our cycle is doomed. Negativity.

A mean question got stuck into my head. Why pick me to confide in? In
which sense are we in the same boat? If our FET fails, we're back into
the throws of treatment. If she's not PG this time, she can start TTC
for real and will be soon. Mean, spiteful. Stupid too, because since
when do friends have to be in the same boat in order to be supportive
of each other?

Sigh. IF still weighs on me.

In my defense, I bit my tongue. I didn't tell her there's always next
month. Of course I hope her dream of having a second child comes true.
There's no medicine against an uncooperative husband, after all.

Today though, I let off some steam to another dear friend of mine.
"Why do I have to hear about 'oops' PG now?! Not this month!"
She acknowledged it was a sign of the stress the FET is causing, but
went straight to telling me that I shouldn't compare - and that I
should focus my attention on Linnea. And yes, that's easier said than

I can't help but feel rebuked. Of course, it would be fabulous if I
could find the off switch for those negative emotions. But these
feelings exist and repressing them just isn't a good way of coping.
These feelings are normal and in my opinion I'm allowed to have them
(which doesn't mean nursing them!). It helps to air them, get them out
of my system.

When will I learn to not share the dark side IF brings out in me with
people who haven't been there - no matter how sympathetic and
emotionally intelligent? I've lost friendships this way before, I
don't want to lose more. In a way, this has been a wake-up call.

My dear friends, if, against all odds, you stumble upon my blog,
please take this post for what it is: therapeutic purging of negative
feelings. I wish you well and don't mean to criticize. I can't express
how much you've supported me.

My dear readers, sorry for another negative post. I can't express how
much you've supported me either, but I think you know the feeling.


At 06 February, 2009 06:51, Blogger Soralis said...

One thing I have learned, is unless you have been there it's very hard to understand.

Take care and good luck with your FET!

At 06 February, 2009 11:45, Blogger Meg said...

God, I know. I'm really struggling with this too, and I have the uncooperative husband. If only I could accidentally deliberately get pregnant.

My most recent pg announcement (wednesday - yet another from my mothers' group - the 6th pregnancy) is actually a twins pregnancy. Whoopee.

I wish I could overcome this. But I don't know how.

At 06 February, 2009 12:54, Blogger Sara said...

Oh yes, I do know the feeling. Big time. Sorry you had to go there again, especially right now. Good luck with the FET!

At 06 February, 2009 15:43, Blogger serenity said...

*hug* I know how it is. And Soralis is right - no one who hasn't been there can truly understand.

Fingers crossed.

At 09 February, 2009 09:17, Blogger Bea said...

Oh yes - that off switch would be really handy. Let me know if you find it. Hopefully this post did get it all out and you can return to being the friend you want to be (and, as a bonus, having the friends you want to have).



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