Saturday, May 30, 2009


In brief: FET not getting any closer. Linnea cries "nooze"!

U/S yesterday morning revealed that nothing much is going on inside. Blood test confirmed my cycle isn't progressing.
I'm frustrated.

If by the end of next week I can't trigger, I'll have to cancel the cycle. Why? Because we're leaving on holiday and I won't be around to do a transfer.
YEAH! Holiday! But, next chance of organising an attempt, FET or other, is in August. The clinic closes soon after we return for their summer holidays.

I want to get the FET out of the way. A friend suggested cancelling now would have one advantage, not taking the 2WW with me on holiday and guaranteed no nausea on the road.
She's absolutely right about the 2WW not being ideal holiday material. But oh, the optimism. It's meant so well, but such unbounded optimism chafes me. My loss, I'm sure, because it would be much easier to make it through each day with a generous helping of optimism. Unfortunately, that's not my nature.

My friend is a problem solver. When I tell her I feel frustrated, she wants to say something to take it away, put things in perspective, etc. What I want is to be able to vent whatever feeling I have, without an expectation that I fix it. Of course I have to process emotions and move on, but I can take some time to do that surely. More than one hour.

Is there any kind way to say that I deeply dislike the following comparison:
Normal women don't know what size their follicles are at any point in their cycle, you shouldn't be so involved in what's going on in your ovaries either. Normal women have the luxury of not needing to know. That, and that thing called privacy, and not to forget a generous supply of FREE cycles!
How can I not be involved in each cycle? Do you think any women going through ART manages to do so (to a degree) uninvolved? Those must be the ones that don't blog.

Scrap all that, is there any way I can learn to accept support gracefully, even if it's not quite a good fit for my needs?

Speaking of support, I thought I should hang out more with the local IF crowd. I joined a local mailinglist for PG/parent after ART, but have already been nudged of ever so gently. Bump.
The little I've contributed has been about the new treatments, and some about baby gear. The list has been fairly quiet, and the moderator has a theory as to why. In the kindest of words, she suggested I join another mailing list for the time being, the one for ART veterans (in treatment), and come back later. Her theory is that the new-baked first time PG people are reluctant to talk happy baby talk - now they finally have the opportunity - out of fear of hurting me. My rational mind says she's right, so I will withdraw. But I can't help but feel cast out, if only a little.
One thing is sure, I'm not joining the veterans list. I'm not about to impose myself on a bunch of women still TTC #1 (even though the moderator claims there are people with children on the list). Besides, the mailing list format isn't working for me. I can't keep the participants apart, I can't read their history, I can't choose who I read and vice-versa.

But it's not all gloom, not at all! The sun is shining. Linnea is talking more and more and I'm preparing for a lovely vacation!

Have I mentioned that Linnea has a thing for shoes? She loves her boots, she loves her sandals, she loves her rain boots, she loves her slippers, ... If she sees a pair of her footwear lying around, she tries to put them on and then brings them over for me to put on her feet. If she sees another, she wants to put those on too. Shoes is a word she does her very best to pronounce correctly (she's not even close "nooze"). The other day, we passed a shoe store on the way home. Her eyes lit up as she cried "nooze"! Good thing she doesn't have a credit card yet ...


At 30 May, 2009 22:51, Blogger Heather said...

I hope things work out so you can transfer.

I hope you have a FANTASTIC vacay regardless if you transfer or not!

And, I'm so super sorry about the support thing. BigP and I are very different. I need someone to talk to and he needs to fix things. It lead to a lot of fights at the beginning of our ART treatment. That is why I blog. To vent. Whether or not I read the comments and see the "suggestions" I can get things off my chest. I hope you find the support you need. You definitely don't need more stress. Take care of you.

Nooze is close to Shoes. I get it. Do I feel a theme for her birthday party?

At 30 May, 2009 23:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, one thing is for sure - when you want your body to do one thing, it does another.

Have a fantastic vacation!

At 31 May, 2009 05:43, Anonymous SurvivingTTC said...

WOw, so many things to comment on!!! OK, so for starters, I sure hope your cycle progresses and that you can get the transfer in before you leave! Why? It seems like its what you'd rather. A vacation is a wonderful way to NOT spend 24-7 obsessing about the dreaded 2ww. i hope everything turns out OK!!!
Linnea is TOO funny :D DD is an absolute shoe nut too! Oh my gosh and the language really does take off at this age - it is just astounding!!!!
It is hard with IF lists, I understand. Everyone is so different - some people are offended by the tiniest thing, while others won't even notice. Its still wonderful to be in a community of support though.
Best of luck!!!

At 01 June, 2009 03:30, Blogger namaste said...

I agree, so many things to comment on.

First off, OUCH at the unwelcomeness of the local IF group. Talk about not knowing where to fit in. Because we need just yet one more thing to feel singled out and different in. You'd think people who've been through it would *get* it, but denial is a scary beast to face. I'm so sorry.

I love the shoes misstatement. Danny says "poo poo" for people. Cracks me up every time. Especially when he screams at them through the window. "Poo poo! Poo poo!" Sounds like he thinks he's seeing your local IF group. :)

Here's hoping your body cooperates for a transfer. I think. Hard to know which is worse - waiting, or waiting while on vacation.

Many hugs to you.

At 02 June, 2009 19:33, Blogger Winnifred said...

Elizabeth loves shoes too (she's 2 1/2 now - but it was one of her first words -- she's been obsessed with shoes basically forever!)

About the support from friends -- I know it's hard. I so know.

By the way -- you commented on my blog about your right to be mad about your failed cycle... and I couldn't agree more. My personal issue (when it comes to me) is that I'm scared of what getting MAD might do to my not very stable balance. Upset, sad, devestated -- i think I can handle -- but mad tends to turn into horribly ugly for me -- and I want to avoid that since I do have a life to get back to either way... hope that makes sense. I'm not implying you or anybody shouldn't get mad. I'm just scared to get mad, that's all. I'm already way more mad about this whole thing as it is that we HAVE TO DO THIS -- and I didn't have that the first time around...

enjoy your vacation!!

At 03 June, 2009 05:21, Anonymous SurvivingTTC said...

BTW, I just tagged you on my blog. I got tagged and had to tag back...
(refer to my post today)


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