Monday, November 16, 2009

S is for sigh

Four days and one christening later and I don't feel much better about our last IVF failure.

Thanks for all your kind words and support. I'm more than happy to let you guys hope for a miracle outcome for our upcoming FET.
Our thaw survival rate so far is 0 (granted, that's with a grand total of 3 embryos), which leaves me less than optimistic. To me, doing a FET is like airing the cupboards, or defrosting the freezer. A chore that must be done, but with little tangible results to show for the effort.

There's a fight going on between my mind and my emotions. My mind tells me to keep a level head. A regular fresh IVF cycle gives you a 1 in 3 chance, so we're still within normal parameters.
My emotions could care less about what the statistics say. I feel almost as panicked and bewildered as I did after our first failed IVF (total fertilization fiasco). My mind protests that the situation is entirely different, of course it is, but to little avail. I lie awake at night fretting over what to do next. Should I change clinic? How many more attempts should we do? Should I start talking about adoption with DH? Should I look into becoming a foster parent?

In reality, changing clinic is the only one of these options that I might actually explore in the near future. When we decide we're done, I want to know that I tried every available option. But in practice changing clinic will be a pain. I like my RE, and he's conveniently located.  I don't have reason to expect much improvement from another clinic. Is a tiny bit more peace of mind worth all the effort? Because honestly, is it any more comforting to fail in two clinics in stead of one?

All of this does reinforce how much of a miracle (of medical science) Linnea is. So much, that I'm at a loss for words to describe it.
She's a willful little two-year old, she has a lot of attention for detail and constantly surprises us with all the things she can say.
My decision to temporarily cut back from work and spend more time with her was the best I made.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Stark white

In brief: No good.

I slept uneasy last night. Twice I dreamed of bright second pink lines, once of a negative.

This morning I did a HPT. From the angle I was sitting, I first thought it turned positive. Alas, just a trick of the light. I swear the space where I was wishing a line would appear went whiter than the rest of the stick. That's how much of a failure this cycle is.

Blood results confirmed, I am not in the least bit pregnant. (I admit a clear negative result is better than an ambiguous negative result).

I'm very disappointed. I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm sad, I'm at a loss. I'm filled with doubt.

No one can tell me if cycling again will work. Who knows, Linnea's cycle may have been a fluke, an enormously lucky anomaly.
I can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Or is there a new medical problem that we haven't picked up on? Was my lining too thin (I asked, it was thick).
The explanation is probably just bad luck. Simple. But bad luck is not fixable, it has to be endured.

Part of me wants to turn my back on ART in frustrated disgust. Then again, I know perfectly well that I'm not ready to throw in the towel.
The next step is to do a FET (well, to clear the freezer at least), hopefully straight away.

Now I feel a downpour of pregnancy announcements coming on in my bones. Whatever. There better be one from my SIL, who has been TTC for 3 years without any luck.

Friday, November 06, 2009


In brief: Halfway the 2WW. No symptoms, as expected. Hope? Don't ask.

Retrieval and transfer seem like they happened ages ago. Testing day, November 12th, seems far off.
There are large parts of the day when I don't think about it. But whenever I'm not occupied, I wonder.

I'm not waiting for symptoms, I didn't have any the last times. All I can say is that I feel less bloated before and just after retrieval. But I guess that's normal.

Hope is still as tricky as ever. I'm wishing this cycle would work, but I'm not exactly hopeful that it actually will. Does that make sense?

I need to go out and buy some P-sticks, cheap ones. 15 euro (about 22 US dollars) for one (ONE!) brand-name P-stick is a bit steep, if you ask me.

My flu-like symptoms are gone, except for a nasty cough. Linnea caught the same symptoms over the weekend. She's been snotty and listless all week. She has just discovered the wonders of TV and now wants to do so all the time. I can't fool her by sticking in an age-appropriate DVD either, she insists that no, actually it's television she wants. I'm planning to record some of the better TV shows, in the hopes of keeping her away from the less appealing ones. Is two too young for Sesame Street?