Monday, November 16, 2009

S is for sigh

Four days and one christening later and I don't feel much better about our last IVF failure.

Thanks for all your kind words and support. I'm more than happy to let you guys hope for a miracle outcome for our upcoming FET.
Our thaw survival rate so far is 0 (granted, that's with a grand total of 3 embryos), which leaves me less than optimistic. To me, doing a FET is like airing the cupboards, or defrosting the freezer. A chore that must be done, but with little tangible results to show for the effort.

There's a fight going on between my mind and my emotions. My mind tells me to keep a level head. A regular fresh IVF cycle gives you a 1 in 3 chance, so we're still within normal parameters.
My emotions could care less about what the statistics say. I feel almost as panicked and bewildered as I did after our first failed IVF (total fertilization fiasco). My mind protests that the situation is entirely different, of course it is, but to little avail. I lie awake at night fretting over what to do next. Should I change clinic? How many more attempts should we do? Should I start talking about adoption with DH? Should I look into becoming a foster parent?

In reality, changing clinic is the only one of these options that I might actually explore in the near future. When we decide we're done, I want to know that I tried every available option. But in practice changing clinic will be a pain. I like my RE, and he's conveniently located.  I don't have reason to expect much improvement from another clinic. Is a tiny bit more peace of mind worth all the effort? Because honestly, is it any more comforting to fail in two clinics in stead of one?

All of this does reinforce how much of a miracle (of medical science) Linnea is. So much, that I'm at a loss for words to describe it.
She's a willful little two-year old, she has a lot of attention for detail and constantly surprises us with all the things she can say.
My decision to temporarily cut back from work and spend more time with her was the best I made.


At 16 November, 2009 21:05, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lut, I had to smile at your defrosting the freezer or airing the cupboards analogy. But you know, sometimes one finds glorious things in freezers or cupboards!

I've been thinking of you a lot in the last few days. Will put all of my good thoughts into your FET cycle. May you not have to think about the next steps at all...

At 17 November, 2009 05:49, Blogger Jaymee said...

so sorry to hear about your failed transfer. i really hope that this FET is the one for you.

At 17 November, 2009 12:34, Blogger Bea said...

A lot of people seem to feel that the hardest patch is around cycles 4-6 (a patch you're now approaching, if my maths is correct). The buzz just seems to get steadily louder til it's nearly unbearable, and then I guess a lot of people find some sort of coping mechanism.

Changing clinics or getting a second opinion and then continuing where you are if no new advice probably won't hurt (unless there's some sort of financial and/or beaurocratic hurdle) if you need some peace of mind.

Your head is basically on the button, though, far as I can tell. 0/3 thaw rate is not what you want and doesn't help the mood coming into a cycle but at the same time arguably within the margin of error.

It's hard, is the thing. It's just really hard not to have answers or know how things will turn out.


At 17 November, 2009 14:53, Blogger Sara said...

Lut, I'm sorry, and I hear you. I'm still coming to grips with the failure of IVF #3, and that happened in April. It takes time.

Good luck moving forward. I will continue to hope for a pleasant surprise from the FET.

At 18 November, 2009 00:43, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think there is an easy answer to any of this.

And I will hope for the miracle outcome from the FET.


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