Thursday, November 12, 2009

Stark white

In brief: No good.

I slept uneasy last night. Twice I dreamed of bright second pink lines, once of a negative.

This morning I did a HPT. From the angle I was sitting, I first thought it turned positive. Alas, just a trick of the light. I swear the space where I was wishing a line would appear went whiter than the rest of the stick. That's how much of a failure this cycle is.

Blood results confirmed, I am not in the least bit pregnant. (I admit a clear negative result is better than an ambiguous negative result).

I'm very disappointed. I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm sad, I'm at a loss. I'm filled with doubt.

No one can tell me if cycling again will work. Who knows, Linnea's cycle may have been a fluke, an enormously lucky anomaly.
I can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Or is there a new medical problem that we haven't picked up on? Was my lining too thin (I asked, it was thick).
The explanation is probably just bad luck. Simple. But bad luck is not fixable, it has to be endured.

Part of me wants to turn my back on ART in frustrated disgust. Then again, I know perfectly well that I'm not ready to throw in the towel.
The next step is to do a FET (well, to clear the freezer at least), hopefully straight away.

Now I feel a downpour of pregnancy announcements coming on in my bones. Whatever. There better be one from my SIL, who has been TTC for 3 years without any luck.


At 12 November, 2009 21:18, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lut, I'm so sorry. That just sucks.

I wish I could do something to lighten the load a bit, but please know that my thoughts are with you. XO

At 12 November, 2009 23:50, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I'm so, so sorry Lut. I was wishing for something different for you.

Thinking of you, and hoping the only pg announcements you see in the meantime are from your SIL.

At 12 November, 2009 23:56, Blogger Eileen said...

I'm sorry :-(. Negative test results blow. I pray that your FET will bring you those 2 beautiful pink lines.

At 13 November, 2009 02:06, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry Lut. I really wish it had been different.

At 13 November, 2009 02:28, Blogger Sparkle said...

So sorry, gosh so hard to get a second child for some of us!

My advice right now is to keep asking more and more questions of your clinic ... particularly when you come to thaw.

You'll get there.

At 13 November, 2009 02:30, Blogger Sara said...

AAAAAARGH!!!! I'm so sorry, Lut. That stinks. I was really hoping for better news.

At 13 November, 2009 03:21, Anonymous Orodemniades said...

Dammnit, that effing bites. Doesn't it seem as there are a plethora of secondary and tertiary pregnancy announcement in the infertilosphere at the moment, too?

I'm sorry. It sucks.

At 13 November, 2009 03:34, Blogger Krista said...

Sorry. I wish it had been a successful cycle. I hope the FET is all it takes.

At 13 November, 2009 15:09, Blogger Larisa said...

I'm so sorry. I was hoping for something different.

Maybe the FET will be the thing. It's all such a roll of the dice.

Best wishes to you and your SIL.

At 13 November, 2009 17:55, Blogger serenity said...

Damn, I was hoping for a positive.

I'm so sorry.

And with Kath - my thoughts are with you.


At 13 November, 2009 21:32, Blogger lucky #2 said...

<< HUGS >>

At 14 November, 2009 06:25, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lut, I am SO sorry :( :( :( Oh man, this truly sucks, and I know how nothing makes it better. You said something so profound about bad luck being just that where you just have to live through it. And Lord knows its easier said than done. I am just hoping the FET works for you and the bad luck crap just ends right here. Hang in there. My heart goes out and I am praying you feel renewed with energy to try with the FET shortly and that this will mark the happy end of the TTC number 2 journey.
Hugs to you.

At 14 November, 2009 11:25, Blogger Bea said...

Crap. I'm so sorry. I can't believe you're making jokes about the peestick - what character! I remember your SIL, too - I hope both of you find what you're after soon.


At 15 November, 2009 04:15, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crap - so sorry Lut. I went through 4 and never ended up with anything that stuck so you're still beating my stats all to hell (although I was an old woman and all that).
Go and give your little one a hug, okay?

At 15 November, 2009 15:57, Blogger InfertileMadWoman said...

I am sorry Lut... I can totally understand... Been there done that. I constantly think the same thing... Did we miss something, Do I have a new DX?? It will drive you nuts if you let it!! Please hang in there!!


At 16 November, 2009 03:09, Blogger Lollipop Goldstein said...

I'm so sorry, Lut.


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