Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The schedule

In brief: extra-long IVF protocol, due to DH's fever. CD1 tomorrow.
Too young for tantrums?

Today I had my appointment with the RE to schedule our next IVF
attempt. Not a day too soon, because CD1 is tomorrow (prelude started
this afternoon). Luckily I filled my bcp prescription immediately
after the appointment.

I had forgotten how long a single IVF attempt takes. The schedule
proposed by the RE would have me starting stims in the first week of
april, that's more than a month away!

This is the plan:
Take bcp for +/-6 weeks
Start sniffing +/- 5 weeks
Wait for period
Baseline echo 4 days later
Start stims baseline echo ok.
You know the rest.

Why 6 weeks of bcp? My RE now said that there should be 6 to 8 weeks
between DH's fever and retrieval (last time he told me 4 to 5 weeks).
I asked whether I could take bcp longer, rather than wait a cycle.
Fine, was the reply.
I'm not entirely certain it's wise (will I be oversupressed?), but if
my doctor says it's ok, I trust him.


I'm trying hard not to give in to negative feelings about this cycle,
mostly I'm doing ok.
Speaking of optimism. Remember that application for a spot in daycare
I put in? It was refused. They won't register our application because
I didn't fill in a due date on the form. Why then did the
administrator fail to mention this requirement, when I expressly asked
whether they needed to know more than the projected start date of the
child at daycare. Grrr. Apparantly, the administrator had added a due
date to the form further than 9 months in the future (well, that's
accurate). And the computer said 'no'.

Was it Shakespeare who said, "Bureaucrat, know thyne own rule"?

If it's due dates they want, I can calculate those. But I'm sure they
won't be pleased if I call them back each month to postpone them. It
won't do me any good either. Ugh. I'm forgetting about daycare for the
time being.

Meanwhile, Linnea is doing great on two feet. She has surprised me
recently with a few tantrums though. No major hysterics yet, but a
sneak preview of what's to come? I keep telling her she's too young
for tantrums, those are for terrible two's, not cute 16-month-olds.
She just keeps screaming.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Policy of truth

Thanks for enduring my pouting. But enough is enough.
I'm going to fight bitterness and negativity with truth.

I am a mommy!
I have a healthy daughter!
She's a good natured girl, and a fun-loving toddler.
She blows us wet kisses, we tickle her tummy.
She develops, explores, learns and we get to experience it with her.


The bitterness and negativity pops up when she's not near enough to
remind me, when she's sleeping in her bed or when I'm at work.

To anyone still waiting for their dream to come true (AND reading
this?!), I hope it comes true very soon.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Naturally

My friend is now the proud owner of a positive P-stick. OF COURSE SHE IS!

This news arrived, not 15 minutes after I - in a bout of unprecedented
optimism - put in our application for another spot in our daycare (for
sometime in 2010). Honestly, I don't look for signs, but as uncanny
coincidences go, this one was hard to ignore.

I hope you don't mind me whining here, while I mend the crack in my happy face.

It's not that I wish she wasn't PG. I hope all goes smoothly.
I wish we could do accidentally deliberately PG. Failing that, I wish
this bitterness would go away.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Doing better

Thanks for all the kind words of support. When I think about our
cancelled FET, I'm sad and disappointed still, but fortunately I don't
think about it all the time.
Linnea is on my mind more, even at work. I put a picture of her on my
computer desktop, finally. So far I hadn't, because I didn't want her
picture to sting any closet infertiles at work, if there are any. Is
that taking it too far? Perhaps. She's been on my mobile phone screen
for ages, that's nice and discrete.

What disappointed me most is having to really go through treatment
again. I resent having to rely on a whole medical team to have a
chance of having a baby. (Of course I'm grateful I have the option,
and that it has proven to work, but that doesn't make it fun.) The
FET represented a slim chance of escaping all that, and it didn't work
out.

I hope to see my RE soon to set up the plan for next time. By the time
my next period shows (in 2 weeks) + 3 weeks of BCP + 1 week waiting
for next period, 5+ weeks will have passed since DH's fever, so maybe
we won't have to wait too long after all.
(An article about fever and the impact on sperm:
http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/18/10/2089)

Towards my friends, I'm putting my happy face on. It's almost entirely
genuine, honestly. They want to see me happy because they care, and it
pains them to see me otherwise. In this case, I'm absolutely sure of
that.

I've lost friends before, partly because I shared too much of what the
rollercoaster of IF did to me (and rebuffed too well all their
attempts to say the right thing to make me feel better).

--

Linnea is mighty proud of herself that she can walk. She loves to
practice, with a big smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye. Even
though it's a perfectly normal thing for her to be doing, I can't help
but feel very proud of her.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

The sunny side (with one rain cloud)

In brief: Linnea is a delight, she just started walking yesterday.
FET: thaw failed.

I have the bad habit of blogging only when I feel bad. So today I
wanted to write a more positive post.

I'm happy. Linnea is a delightful child and being around her makes me happy.

She loves 'reading' books, especially ones that have animals in them.
What can be more fun that making mom or dad say 'squeek' every time
she points at the mouse? Or honk honk, quack quack, ... Hearing her do
a lions roar is to sweet.

For weeks now, she's been toddling along, holding on to the couch, the
coffee table or us. She'd venture out two or three steps to walk from
me to DH and back, but not much further. Then suddenly, she found the
nerve to walk and has been walking round the house since then!

We're so lucky we have her, a thought which is never far from my mind.

--

Our FET is over. Our single embryo didn't survive the thaw. I'm
disappointed, naturally, but not crushed (not by a long shot).
I'd love to start a fresh cycle straight away, but DH had a fever this
week. According to my doctor, we should wait 4 to 5 weeks. I read 3
months on a forum here or there, but I guess I'll go by what my doctor
says. Any advice?

Thursday, February 05, 2009

The dark side

Yesterday I was talking to a dear friend of mine. Somehow, I let slip
that we were going to do a FET. She was very excited and hopeful for
us, though she understands my apprehension.

She told me I was fortunate that DH and I are both on the same page.
She's ready for number two but her husband has cold feet. She'd
already told me this a while back, and I sympathize with her. It must
be frustrating.
Now she told me she was hoping she might be 'oops' pregnant. Faux
'oops' in her case, real 'oops' for her husband. So she's hopeful but
nervous too, because her hub's reaction worries her.
Because I'm her friend, she confided in me. What could be more natural?

I'm glad we were talking on the phone. I want to be supportive, as she
is to me. It's easier to hide mixed emotions on the phone, and those
came bubbling to the surface instantly.

An 'oops' pregnancy, if only. Jealousy.

If she gets PG now, our cycle is doomed. Negativity.

A mean question got stuck into my head. Why pick me to confide in? In
which sense are we in the same boat? If our FET fails, we're back into
the throws of treatment. If she's not PG this time, she can start TTC
for real and will be soon. Mean, spiteful. Stupid too, because since
when do friends have to be in the same boat in order to be supportive
of each other?

Sigh. IF still weighs on me.

In my defense, I bit my tongue. I didn't tell her there's always next
month. Of course I hope her dream of having a second child comes true.
There's no medicine against an uncooperative husband, after all.


Today though, I let off some steam to another dear friend of mine.
"Why do I have to hear about 'oops' PG now?! Not this month!"
She acknowledged it was a sign of the stress the FET is causing, but
went straight to telling me that I shouldn't compare - and that I
should focus my attention on Linnea. And yes, that's easier said than
done.

I can't help but feel rebuked. Of course, it would be fabulous if I
could find the off switch for those negative emotions. But these
feelings exist and repressing them just isn't a good way of coping.
These feelings are normal and in my opinion I'm allowed to have them
(which doesn't mean nursing them!). It helps to air them, get them out
of my system.

When will I learn to not share the dark side IF brings out in me with
people who haven't been there - no matter how sympathetic and
emotionally intelligent? I've lost friendships this way before, I
don't want to lose more. In a way, this has been a wake-up call.

My dear friends, if, against all odds, you stumble upon my blog,
please take this post for what it is: therapeutic purging of negative
feelings. I wish you well and don't mean to criticize. I can't express
how much you've supported me.

My dear readers, sorry for another negative post. I can't express how
much you've supported me either, but I think you know the feeling.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Making haste

In brief: Thaw scheduled for Friday, with some luck transfer on Saturday,

Yesterday was the second monitoring session for the FET. The dominant
follicle measured very big, I didn't quite catch the exact amount of
mm. The doctor mentioned I might need to administer a trigger shot.
Uh-oh. That made me realize, I gave away all my needles, my sharps
container and don't have prescriptions at home, let alone meds. Shows
how ill prepared I am. The kind doc gave me a promotional pack of
needles etc. for fertility treatment, courtesy of big a drug company.
He also wrote a new prescription.

And to think I almost hadn't gone to the doc for an u/s but just to
the lab for another blood draw! I would have been home, at night,
without any meds, after closing hours of all pharmacies.

I'm on pins and needles for the thaw results. I can hardly think of
anything else.