U/S yesterday morning revealed that nothing much is going on inside. Blood test confirmed my cycle isn't progressing.
If by the end of next week I can't trigger, I'll have to cancel the cycle. Why? Because we're leaving on holiday and I won't be around to do a transfer.
YEAH! Holiday! But, next chance of organising an attempt, FET or other, is in August. The clinic closes soon after we return for their summer holidays.
I want to get the FET out of the way. A friend suggested cancelling now would have one advantage, not taking the 2WW with me on holiday and guaranteed no nausea on the road.
She's absolutely right about the 2WW not being ideal holiday material. But oh, the optimism. It's meant so well, but such unbounded optimism chafes me. My loss, I'm sure, because it would be much easier to make it through each day with a generous helping of optimism. Unfortunately, that's not my nature.
My friend is a problem solver. When I tell her I feel frustrated, she wants to say something to take it away, put things in perspective, etc. What I want is to be able to vent whatever feeling I have, without an expectation that I fix it. Of course I have to process emotions and move on, but I can take some time to do that surely. More than one hour.
Is there any kind way to say that I deeply dislike the following comparison:
Normal women don't know what size their follicles are at any point in their cycle, you shouldn't be so involved in what's going on in your ovaries either. Normal women have the luxury of not needing to know. That, and that thing called privacy, and not to forget a generous supply of FREE cycles!
How can I not be involved in each cycle? Do you think any women going through ART manages to do so (to a degree) uninvolved? Those must be the ones that don't blog.
Scrap all that, is there any way I can learn to accept support gracefully, even if it's not quite a good fit for my needs?
Speaking of support, I thought I should hang out more with the local IF crowd. I joined a local mailinglist for PG/parent after ART, but have already been nudged of ever so gently. Bump.
The little I've contributed has been about the new treatments, and some about baby gear. The list has been fairly quiet, and the moderator has a theory as to why. In the kindest of words, she suggested I join another mailing list for the time being, the one for ART veterans (in treatment), and come back later. Her theory is that the new-baked first time PG people are reluctant to talk happy baby talk - now they finally have the opportunity - out of fear of hurting me. My rational mind says she's right, so I will withdraw. But I can't help but feel cast out, if only a little.
One thing is sure, I'm not joining the veterans list. I'm not about to impose myself on a bunch of women still TTC #1 (even though the moderator claims there are people with children on the list). Besides, the mailing list format isn't working for me. I can't keep the participants apart, I can't read their history, I can't choose who I read and vice-versa.
But it's not all gloom, not at all! The sun is shining. Linnea is talking more and more and I'm preparing for a lovely vacation!
Have I mentioned that Linnea has a thing for shoes? She loves her boots, she loves her sandals, she loves her rain boots, she loves her slippers, ... If she sees a pair of her footwear lying around, she tries to put them on and then brings them over for me to put on her feet. If she sees another, she wants to put those on too. Shoes is a word she does her very best to pronounce correctly (she's not even close "nooze"). The other day, we passed a shoe store on the way home. Her eyes lit up as she cried "nooze"! Good thing she doesn't have a credit card yet ...