Saturday, May 30, 2009

Standstill

In brief: FET not getting any closer. Linnea cries "nooze"!

U/S yesterday morning revealed that nothing much is going on inside. Blood test confirmed my cycle isn't progressing.
I'm frustrated.

If by the end of next week I can't trigger, I'll have to cancel the cycle. Why? Because we're leaving on holiday and I won't be around to do a transfer.
YEAH! Holiday! But, next chance of organising an attempt, FET or other, is in August. The clinic closes soon after we return for their summer holidays.

I want to get the FET out of the way. A friend suggested cancelling now would have one advantage, not taking the 2WW with me on holiday and guaranteed no nausea on the road.
She's absolutely right about the 2WW not being ideal holiday material. But oh, the optimism. It's meant so well, but such unbounded optimism chafes me. My loss, I'm sure, because it would be much easier to make it through each day with a generous helping of optimism. Unfortunately, that's not my nature.

My friend is a problem solver. When I tell her I feel frustrated, she wants to say something to take it away, put things in perspective, etc. What I want is to be able to vent whatever feeling I have, without an expectation that I fix it. Of course I have to process emotions and move on, but I can take some time to do that surely. More than one hour.

Is there any kind way to say that I deeply dislike the following comparison:
Normal women don't know what size their follicles are at any point in their cycle, you shouldn't be so involved in what's going on in your ovaries either. Normal women have the luxury of not needing to know. That, and that thing called privacy, and not to forget a generous supply of FREE cycles!
How can I not be involved in each cycle? Do you think any women going through ART manages to do so (to a degree) uninvolved? Those must be the ones that don't blog.

Scrap all that, is there any way I can learn to accept support gracefully, even if it's not quite a good fit for my needs?

Speaking of support, I thought I should hang out more with the local IF crowd. I joined a local mailinglist for PG/parent after ART, but have already been nudged of ever so gently. Bump.
The little I've contributed has been about the new treatments, and some about baby gear. The list has been fairly quiet, and the moderator has a theory as to why. In the kindest of words, she suggested I join another mailing list for the time being, the one for ART veterans (in treatment), and come back later. Her theory is that the new-baked first time PG people are reluctant to talk happy baby talk - now they finally have the opportunity - out of fear of hurting me. My rational mind says she's right, so I will withdraw. But I can't help but feel cast out, if only a little.
One thing is sure, I'm not joining the veterans list. I'm not about to impose myself on a bunch of women still TTC #1 (even though the moderator claims there are people with children on the list). Besides, the mailing list format isn't working for me. I can't keep the participants apart, I can't read their history, I can't choose who I read and vice-versa.

But it's not all gloom, not at all! The sun is shining. Linnea is talking more and more and I'm preparing for a lovely vacation!

Have I mentioned that Linnea has a thing for shoes? She loves her boots, she loves her sandals, she loves her rain boots, she loves her slippers, ... If she sees a pair of her footwear lying around, she tries to put them on and then brings them over for me to put on her feet. If she sees another, she wants to put those on too. Shoes is a word she does her very best to pronounce correctly (she's not even close "nooze"). The other day, we passed a shoe store on the way home. Her eyes lit up as she cried "nooze"! Good thing she doesn't have a credit card yet ...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

All set for FET

Just a quick update: went to the RE this morning. We're still on time to do a FET this cycle. Excellent.
If (when?) this one fails, I have to wait until August for a new fresh cycle, due to clinic closing for summer holidays. A break is probably a good idea.
Not feeling too optimistic about thaw results.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Ruffled feathers

In brief: It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to. In the defense of the freedom to express emotions (prompted by an incident elsewhere, not here).

Recently, one of my blogging companions got a comment that boils down to "shut up, and just be grateful".* Just like me, the blogger in question is trying to have a second ART baby. I couldn't help but feel personally offended by the commenter.
To top it off, the anonymous commenter dished out some guilt as well, saying that the stress of doing ART again (and especially the attempts that end in failure) is emotionally damaging the cherished child that is there.

This incident happened more than a week ago, but I still feel the need to write about it. If the shoe fits, wear it?

First off, I understand that I personally have a lot to be grateful for, and always have had. I was born in a prosperous part of the world, to name but one thing. If, for instance, an impoverished woman living in an impoverished corner of the world were to stumble on my blog, she's be justified to feel I should "shut up and just be grateful".
She'd be justified, but she'd also be missing the point about what this blog is. This is my personal space, where I write about my feelings and experiences, no more, no less. If you don't want to hear it, feel free to move on.
And if you're facing more difficult challenges than I am, I'm sure you're right that it's unfair. May I suggest blogging as a coping mechanism**?

Probably, what irked me the most was the guilt trip part, the suggestion that no one in their right mind would go through ART if they already had a child. Excuse me?
It's true that ART is stressful, and remains so even if it has lead to success before. The pills, the shots, the appointments etc. take up time but more importantly there's an emotional investment involved. The failure of our fresh cycle has left me a little blue, I must admit.
But does that make the commenter right? No, not in the least, if you ask me. There are many sources of stress that can befall a family. Illness, job loss, marital troubles, ... The only way to make sure none of these affect your children, is by not having any. More important than what you have to deal with, is how you deal with it.

Predictably, the comment met with disagreement from other readers. A poor response to 'criticism' the initial commenter came back to say. Fair enough?
On second thought, perhaps not at all.
I agree that in expressing opinions and ideas in an open forum, you have to be open to a degree of criticism (in the sense of disagreement based on rational argument). When expressing feelings, not so much. What use is rational argument against a feeling? (I tried rationalizing away my desire for a child, no luck).

If someone says IF makes them angry, sad, jealous, ... can you say they're wrong, as in their reasoning is flawed? You can disapprove of the anger, the sadness and the jealousy, but in my view you cannot truly criticize. Of course, English is not my first language, so I may be mistaken in interpreting the word that way.

Have you received 'just be grateful' comments (probably with best of intentions)?
Do you ask yourself 'why can't I just be grateful'? I do.
Is there any constructive way to dissent with an emotional (IF) blog post?

All that to say I reserve the right to mope on my blog. ;-)

* No link, I don't want to reopen an otherwise closed incident. I realize you only get one side of the story this way.
** I realize that for many people, getting access to a computer is the least of their worries.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Beta confirms BFN

Beta results are just in, HCG level of 4. At least it is a clean break.

I'm plunging straight into a FET in the next cycle. Because my progesterone is still high, I've been instructed to start sniffing again as of today, then when my period starts I should take progynova.
Good thing I still have some left from IVF #2, way back in 2007, not expired (I checked).

As I said I'm disappointed, all that energy spent for nothing, but not depressed. I really can't let myself give in to despair before we've gone through 3 failed transfers (or some other arbitrary number). Not after 1 failed transfer, that's for certain.

Thank goodness DH and I have Linnea in our lives.

Not the faintest ...

... shadow of a line on the HPT this morning. I'm disappointed.

Do you think expiry dates on HPTs mean anything? I used one that expired in 2007, a left-over from the stash I had before conceiving Linnea. A false negative is only the faintest shadow of hope, and I'm trying not to blow it up into more.

Blood draw is up next, results should be in later today. I'm still dutifully taking the progesterone supplements until then.
If failure it is, then a clean failure would be nice.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Chocolate!

I'm halfway through the 2WW. I have no signs or symptoms to speak of, but that was also the case last time.
Just a few days after transfer, I felt a couple of twinges in the ute (or nearby). The embryo throwing out its anchor?
My imagination, most likely, or gas.

My moderate bloating went down, then it went back up. Or perhaps that's due to all the chocolate I've been endulging in.
Which brings me to cravings, for chocolate in particular, but that I blame completely on the progesterone suppositories.

At any rate, I'm hopeful enough that I'll be very disappointed if we get a negative.
And yet, I called my RE yesterday to ask if we could go straight to a FET if need be. We can.

To HPT or not to HPT? I will, but not immediately. Nephew #2 has his birthday do this weekend and I want to cling to my hope when I go there.
Besides, if I test in the weekend I'll have to wait ages for blood test results. Probably, I'll test on Monday morning, and get a blood draw that evening.

Good thing Linnea is around to distract me. She's a sweetheart. She's not much of a cuddler or a kisser though. She prefers blowing kisses to giving real kisses. Often she even turns away from kisses, though when I blow kisses on her belly she giggles. Hugs are ok, especially in the middle of the night when she wakes up wailing. :-) We're so lucky to have her.