Saturday, January 30, 2010

Adoption, she wrote

Remember how we registered for adoption a mere two weeks ago? I thought a confirmation letter would be the last we'd hear of it for 2010, and much of 2011.
Not so. We were invited to attend a (compulsory) introductory meeting. This week, past Tuesday!

I was very excited to go, nervous too. They're handing out babies, and I might get one!* What's not to be enthusiastic about?

Odd, to feel so elated, because I expected a speech covering "10 Reasons  Why You Shouldn't Start the Adoption Procedure". It wasn't quite that bad.

I was pleased to learn that the agency accepts that people continue ART while they're in the first phase of the adoption procedure (the educational phase).  This will take a year - waiting for the course - and then attending the course over a period of time.
Once you put yourself on the list to be matched, they insist you don't combine with ART, which makes sense to me. I grumbled though, when the agency rep joked that of course that's when couples suddenly fall PG. After all, this IF stuff is partly between the ears, surely.

What everyone in the room really wanted to know is how long will it take?  It depends on the birth moms of course, but statistics say they prefer young married couples, no (bio) kids, with a nice house plus garden. Such couples wait 3 years on average (from registering).
Of that list we can tick of married and that's about it. Young? Certainly no longer by the time our profile would be up for viewing. And I have no regrets about not fulfilling the other criteria, except the house with garden perhaps.

If the tables were reversed, I think that profile would be top of my list too. Probably I would sympathize more with childless couples. Also, there's that worry about the adoptive child taking second place. If you're making that heart-wrenching decision to place your child, you'd want it to be placed in the - in your eyes - ideal family. No?

One couple asked about their odds. Her - 2 children from a previous marriage - and him - 0 children so far - with an understandable desire to have a child together. The agency rep answered honestly, but bluntly, that their odds are pretty much zero. His advice was to try international adoption.

I didn't dare ask about ours odds, but I reckon they're not much better. The thing is, there are about 10 times as many candidate adoptive parents registering every year then there are children up for placement in a year.
Frankly, the odds don't matter right now. All that matters is that the possibility is there.

Besides, once you go for adoption, you get PG, right? RIGHT?
* I'll just go ahead and offend the enlightened adoption crowd from the get go, get it over and done with. I realize very well that I'm not ready to adopt, right here, right now. Good thing then that I have years to prepare.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Living in the now / daydreaming

In brief: a rambling post.

Today, just as I was winding down at the end of the work day, a tidbit of office gossip reached me. I only report one kind here, so yes, another co-worker is PG. When I heard, I felt that familiar little pang in the pit of my stomach. Another one, not me. That's the 5th one at work since we started trying again, and I'm sure there will be more. At least I'm forewarned this time.

I feel I should be over it already. We have Linnea, why can't that be enough? But I'm not over it and I long for another child.
The word depression comes to mind even, but I'll stick to blue for the moment. Then again, only managing to send out 1 Christmas card (under duress too) points toward depressed. No libid0 to speak of also hints in that direction. I'm not excited about doing another IVF cycle, they did little good last year.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't nearly as bad as before Linnea. I don't wish I could stay in bed all day, or do my work on auto-pilot, I only wish for more free* time to spend with Linnea. *Free as in no work, no household chores to do, just play.

Whenever my mind is left to wander (waiting for the bus, walking to work), I've been prone to moping.

However remote the prospect, starting the adoption process has lifted my spirits a bit. I've had to restrain myself from telling my friends and family (they're not ready). This week a letter arrived from the adoption agency inviting us for an information session at the end of January (just a meeting to tell us just how long the process will take), and I felt excited. It's something I can daydream about innocently. 

Daydreaming and TTC just don't go together anymore for me. Those days are long gone.

I thought "living in the now" was the best strategy to deal with the emotional stress caused by infertility, both before and after Linnea was born. Apparantly, (for me) it needs to be balanced by something more forward-looking, maybe daydreaming.

One thing I've realized is that I don't (dare?) daydream about the future. I have no thoughts on what my life will be like in 10 years. I don't dream of what Linnea's life will be like when she's all grown up. I don't picture grandkids. I haven't even given a thought to our next vacation.

So, instead of moping at the busstop, I'm going to try to dream a little. Not too ambitious, let's start with dreaming about next weekend or next summer. We'll see if it helps.

Or maybe I just need more sleep. I always go to bed too late at night.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Opening doors

First of all, I want to wish everyone a happy new year. May dreams come true.

2009 was a year marked by ART failures for us. 2010 starts with a short break from ART (interrupted only by a second opinion) ... and an application form to register a spot on a domestic adoption waiting list.
This form was filled in and posted today!

Does this mean we're going to adopt? Probably not, actually. But a door that was shut is now ajar. DH isn't keen to adopt, but he agreed - in the end - to sign the form because he knows the decision is only made much later.  All it means is that in a year from now - maybe two - we should get an invitation to attend the obligatory seminar for candidate adoptive parents. And the wait after that - to being matched - is also counted in years.

A year or two is a long time. I'm speculating that by then, our ART journey will have run it's course, whatever the outcome. Putting ourselves on the waiting list now is a pragmatic decision to put adoption on the table when the time comes.

Back to the more immediate future, I've requested my records from the clinic and alerted my RE that I will be going to Bigger Clinic for a consult. Unlike the dream I had recently in which he furiously demanded who I thought I was to second-guess his approach, he simply noted the news.

I've enjoyed my time off from work and spending it with Linnea. She's a talkative little girl. One morning she gave a running commentary of me dressing. Pants on! Pants on! There socks, there socks! Now t-shirt, now t-shirt! Put clothes on!
She loves Christmas time, especially all the lights and decorations. Tacky is not in her dictionary (oh, the innocence!). She helped decorate our tree, which was an absolute treat for her.

And now I'm back off to read the Crème de la crème list.