Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Living in the now / daydreaming

In brief: a rambling post.

Today, just as I was winding down at the end of the work day, a tidbit of office gossip reached me. I only report one kind here, so yes, another co-worker is PG. When I heard, I felt that familiar little pang in the pit of my stomach. Another one, not me. That's the 5th one at work since we started trying again, and I'm sure there will be more. At least I'm forewarned this time.

I feel I should be over it already. We have Linnea, why can't that be enough? But I'm not over it and I long for another child.
The word depression comes to mind even, but I'll stick to blue for the moment. Then again, only managing to send out 1 Christmas card (under duress too) points toward depressed. No libid0 to speak of also hints in that direction. I'm not excited about doing another IVF cycle, they did little good last year.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't nearly as bad as before Linnea. I don't wish I could stay in bed all day, or do my work on auto-pilot, I only wish for more free* time to spend with Linnea. *Free as in no work, no household chores to do, just play.

Whenever my mind is left to wander (waiting for the bus, walking to work), I've been prone to moping.

However remote the prospect, starting the adoption process has lifted my spirits a bit. I've had to restrain myself from telling my friends and family (they're not ready). This week a letter arrived from the adoption agency inviting us for an information session at the end of January (just a meeting to tell us just how long the process will take), and I felt excited. It's something I can daydream about innocently. 

Daydreaming and TTC just don't go together anymore for me. Those days are long gone.

I thought "living in the now" was the best strategy to deal with the emotional stress caused by infertility, both before and after Linnea was born. Apparantly, (for me) it needs to be balanced by something more forward-looking, maybe daydreaming.

One thing I've realized is that I don't (dare?) daydream about the future. I have no thoughts on what my life will be like in 10 years. I don't dream of what Linnea's life will be like when she's all grown up. I don't picture grandkids. I haven't even given a thought to our next vacation.

So, instead of moping at the busstop, I'm going to try to dream a little. Not too ambitious, let's start with dreaming about next weekend or next summer. We'll see if it helps.

Or maybe I just need more sleep. I always go to bed too late at night.


At 14 January, 2010 00:23, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You cracked me up - it's all deeply philisophical (or maybe you just need more sleep).
I am sorry that its hard - I remember that part.

At 14 January, 2010 15:58, Blogger Sara said...

I could have written much of this post (except for the adoption bit--Mystery just isn't ready to even think about that). Sorry it's been hard.

At 14 January, 2010 20:24, Blogger serenity said...

I'm the same way - living in the here and now is hard, unless there's SOMETHING I can dream about. Before we had O it was traveling.

I'm not sure what it'll be if we have trouble again.

Either way, I am heartened to hear that you do have something to dream about.

And I'm sorry it's been so hard.


At 15 January, 2010 02:43, Blogger statia said...

Unfortunately, it doesn't ever feel any easier, even when you have one. Or even two. If you want more, you're always going to feel "blue."

At 15 January, 2010 11:35, Blogger Bea said...

I know exactly what you mean! I tended to swing back and forth. I would focus on the now when the then and what ifs got too much, but gradually I would start needing to look into the future again - or at least one theoretical version of it. Glad you're feeling hopeful about something - it does help.


At 16 January, 2010 23:06, Anonymous Kath said...

Oh, my dear, how I can imagine -- about the blueness and about the need to have a bit of a bright spot to light the way. And I can imagine about the lack of sleep too. ;)

I'm so glad you've started the adoption ball rolling, and that it's providing a much-needed lift. Thinking of you and sending you many good thoughts. XO


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