Sunday, April 25, 2010

6 sleeps until testing day

In brief: daydreaming, yet despairing

The glow of having made it to transfer lasted about 2 days. After
that, my heart started sinking.
"It'll all work out, you'll see" a friend tries to cheer me up, but I
just cringed (invisibly at the other end of the phone).

Thinking positive is all fine and dandy, but I've been confirmed in my
despair many, many times and have been wrong only once. It's hard to
fight the logic in that.

I do catch myself daydreaming, what if we get to pick a name again (or
names!), when would I tell people at work, would I battle the BF demon
again, etc. but I feel somehow guilty over doing so. As if daydreaming
is asking for bad news.

The last few days, I've been staking my hope on how bloated I still
feel. A shaky basis at best, but I needed something, anything. It's a
mind game though, is the bloat going down or am I getting used to it?
Perhaps it's just the suppositories' fault ...
Maybe I should pin it on tiredness instead. Yesterday, I went to bed
at seven thirty - before Linnea even! The last time I felt that tired
(without being ill) was when I was expecting Linnea. Coincidence?
Wishful sleeping?

Bigger Clinic wants me to test at 17 days past retrieval, 1st of May.
(I should rename them Bigger Suspense Clinic) Another week of slow
torture. I'm toying with the idea to POAS now, but I won't. It
wouldn't put my mind at ease either way, so I'll wait for beta day.

About my neighbors, interesting comments. The vibe I got from them was
that they saw the cycle as a lottery ticket, one that gave them
another shot at fulfilling a dream. I'm sure they knew about the
possibility of it not working, but emotionally all that mattered was
the fact that they were giving it a shot.
I didn't feel the need to rain on their parade. Either they'll find
out on their own or they'll be one of the very lucky ones.


At 25 April, 2010 13:12, Blogger Bea said...

I'm sure they do know about it not working (at all) as well as knowing they might not get their gender of choice, but I think perhaps the... expectation? level of optimism? is often different (can't talk for this specific couple, of course). You said it in this post - you've come to expect failure. Your experience has taught you that it is the norm, with success being the exception. Others have the opposite experience, and their expectations are likewise coloured. No, I wouldn't have rained on their parade either, probably wouldn't even have felt like it.

Sounds like a standard 2ww so far - I can't read anything into it from my end at all, except that 2ww's haven't got easier than I remember. Good luck with the tricky second week.


At 25 April, 2010 17:32, Blogger Winnifred said...

i hear you. Yesterday I dared check a due date calendar based on my ER (which was yesterday) and knew before I clicked on it that I would regret it and regretted it right away. As if day dreams could POSSIBLY affect the outcome -- but there you have it -- we feel it does. or could. ugh.

At 26 April, 2010 12:20, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Lut, I can imagine that the waiting feels endless (not to mention insane-making) -- 17 dpo sounds very generous, indeed. But I hope with all my heart that you get great news at the end of it. Should I whistle a tune to keep you distracted -- albeit in a not-too-pleasant way -- while you wait? (Yes, my whistling is that awful.)

I love "wishful sleeping". You have such a way with words, my dear.

At 27 April, 2010 01:30, Blogger Sara said...

The last few days of waiting are the worst. Good luck hon. I can't believe you're expected to wait until day 17! I guess I can understand the logic from one really hope that whenever you test, it ends up being good news.

At 29 April, 2010 15:58, Blogger Shazz said...

Thinking of you Lut and I soooooooooo hope this is it!!


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