Friday, April 30, 2010

One more sleep ...

There's a heavy feeling at the bottom of my abdomen, physically I
mean. Perhaps it's more a hint of a feeling.
Emotionally, there's a small ember of hope glowing in my lap. Enough
hope to get me through these last days of waiting.

Perhaps I'm imagining things. Perhaps all the chocolate I've eaten the
past days is collecting there. Perhaps it's a side effect of the
suppositories. But, perhaps ...

I haven't dared put the thought into words, not here, not to my
husband, as if doing so would make it go away again.
But since tomorrow is testing day, I thought I'd risk it.

So fragile is my hope, that I've avoided looking back in my archives,
to see whether I felt like this before. What I remember of the last
two cycles is that I felt absolutely nothing. What I remember of being
pregnant with Linnea is that I didn't feel much until later.

Will hoping now make a negative hurt more tomorrow? I doubt it.
Probably I'll just feel foolish for having let myself get carried
away. So be it. At least I've spent the difficult days of waiting
daydreaming slightly more than despairing.

Fingers crossed!

P.S. I guess yesterday's post was very recognizable, judging from the
replies. True enough, it's a recurring theme on my blog and on many
blogs. Which is one of the reasons I almost didn't post yesterday. Is
it really necessary to repeat again?
The second reason I almost didn't post, is because I prefer not to
draw outside attention to myself. Then again, I presume Mel's target
audience is genuinely interested in learning more about infertility.


At 30 April, 2010 21:59, Blogger Heather said...

I'm glad you posted - it bears repeating. And it is so nice to know that someone GETS it. Even if you have said it before. Maybe someone is clicking on your blog for the first time and needed to know that someone understands...

You are so right - it won't make it sting less but I think it makes the whole 2ww sting less.

At 01 May, 2010 01:05, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Thinking of you and hoping for good news tomorrow.

At 01 May, 2010 02:10, Blogger Sara said...

I'm glad that you're feeling optimistic. Better to be daydreaming than waiting for the other shoe to drop. Good luck!

As for the previous post, I'm really glad you posted it.

At 01 May, 2010 02:25, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope. . .

Yesterday's post? Get it. Completely.


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