Monday, May 17, 2010

A number

The postman brought some good news today. We have a number on the
domestic adoption waiting list!
It made me smile, reading our number. We made it through the first
loops of red tape! (We posted 2 letters, followed up on their arrival
and attended one meeting - hardly impressive, but it got done).

I smile, though I don't expect to hear any more from the adoption
agency this year or next year.

I smile, though I don't count on DH actually agreeing to go for
adoption in the end.

I smile, though I realize the odds of our ever being matched are not so good.

I smile, because there is a possibility.

I'm in need of possibility.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Third time's the charm?

Persistence wins - a well-meaning friend suggested. We all know this
simply isn't true. Overcoming isn't a question of just persistence,
but also a lot of luck.

Three failed fresh transfers feels like a significant number.
Significant in the sense that there is a lesson to learn: admit
I feel like our luck - with ART - has run out a long time ago, but I'm
only now realizing it.

Not that I'm ready to actually stop at this point. Given the waiting
times at Bigger Clinic, we'll probably have to wait until autumn. But
I have made an appointment to set the wheels in motion.

I don't remember where I read it, but - if memory serves - the
statistics say that the odds of success with IVF take a serious dive
after 6 fresh transfers. If that's true, it makes sense to try at
least once more.

My mind is going in circles. Is it just bad luck? Is there a new
problem - scar tissue, infection, bad egg quality, ...? Are there
things we can test for? All things to ask at the consult.

How am I coping emotionally? Work is keeping me very busy this week,
first a day of training, then a big presentation and in two days a big
meeting. But whenever my mind wanders I feel sad and defeated.

As of today, I'm back on preggo-watch at work. I got a friendly
warning that a colleague has recently started TTC for her first (at 35
not a minute too soon either), and I presume another will start trying
for her second soon. Of course I wouldn't wish our struggle on either
of them, yet it hurts to watch from the sidelines.

Right now it hurts a lot.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Failure. Foolish. Falling.

The HPT was decidedly negative this morning.
What more is there to say?

I'm off for the blood draw in a little while.