Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Don't pine, be happy

In brief: so lucky, and still not content!

Guess what! It's time to chalk up another one, a PG colleague at work.
If I were keeping points, this would be a great one. She announced her
last PG just when we started TTC again and delivered not so long ago
(to my mind, but it must be MONTHS ago). Just last week she announced
she's expecting again. An oops PG, naturally.

Firing off my inner mad cackling laughter (the one they use in B
movies) - a way to quickly discharge some of the emotions - hasn't
worked. I can't get more than a little chuckle going in my head. Very

It leaves me to continue watching my prime suspects for the next
announcement AND wondering who else is going to surprise me at work.
Life goes on, get over it - I know.

-- added to the draft a few days later

Pathetic. It's pathetic to still feel consumed by envy like this.
It's like owning a slick Mercedes, but still pining for the
Lamborghini I can't have.

No matter how many times I tell myself to stop pining and just be
happy with the great fortune I have, I can't help it. Today, I'm

-- back to the original

Lately, I've been tossing the idea of quitting ART around in my head.
Not now, but soon-ish.
I hate the idea. Sure, I could do without the treatments and the
disappointments. But it would mean ending on a question mark. Would it
have worked if we had given it another shot? If it worked once, why
not again ... eventually.
Quitting ART is also rather final. Basically, it means defining
ourselves as a single-child family*. That will take some processing.
Eventually, I'm sure I'll make my peace with it.

The prospect of giving up is what's making me so sensitive to PG
announcements right now. I do hope the belly-envy isn't going to stay
around for good, at least not this intense.

What I need to do is push it out of my mind for now. Toss the thought
back into a corner of my mind, wait and see what next time brings.
Easier said then done.

*The adoption is a long, long, long shot.


At 16 June, 2010 21:44, Blogger serenity said...

What I don't understand is why, with infertiles (including me, btw), there's GUILT with wanting another child. It's not that way with fertiles. They just go and give their children siblings with nary a thought.

You went through hell and back to bring home your Linnea. Pregnancy after infertility ISN'T winning the lottery. It's hard earned, you know?

I'm just saying. That WANT? It just is. It's not pathetic.

Hugs, hon. This isn't easy, not at all.


At 17 June, 2010 00:31, Blogger Roccie said...

You make my blood run cold when I read it. I am terrified of that question - can we be a single child family? When do you call game over?

I am thinking of you.

At 19 June, 2010 03:40, Blogger jrs said...

that is a difficult decision. I wish you peace in whatever decision you make.

thank you for your comment on my blog from the stirrup queen's roundup last week.

At 19 June, 2010 09:29, Blogger Bea said...

Well, here's my take. You go ahead and pine til you're good and finished. Then be happy, by all means. But the pining is one of those things you can't help but go through.

As for quitting - it's always something to think about, but a difficult decision that will take a long time to come to, if ever.

Hopefully the next attempt will make it moot.


At 22 June, 2010 21:08, Blogger Winnifred said...

ugh. I'm sorry you're dealing with this... I did want to share that the psycologist I saw post failed fresh IVF (which was following a failed FET) made it crystal clear that the reason it still bugs us is HORMONAL. It's NOT like having a shinny car and wanting a shinnier one. It's really not. I know it feels like that (i REALLY REALLY know that's how it feels, believe me) but reminding myself that it was hormonal helped me A LOT. She stressed the point that I would only be ok with not having more when I neared menopause. ugh.

I know it's not quite comforting coming from somebody who has since gotten pregnant -- but please believe me when I say I KNOW exactly where you are. And I so wish you could have what you want.

At 23 June, 2010 23:16, Blogger ms. c said...

I totally hear you on the so lucky yet still not content front.

I have found myself eyeing pregnant bellies with less intrest and more envy in the past few weeks.

I don't think it's pathetic. I get it. All of what you are writing. Especially the part about the only child. It's such a hard decision.

At 25 June, 2010 03:33, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I say pine if you want to. I think that having a child at home in many ways makes it harder - you know exactly what you are missing out on if things don't work out.

I think Serenity is right, though.

At 26 June, 2010 00:37, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So what are the regs on donor embryos over there?
And would you consider it?
Shhhhh.....(with old embryos from an old broad with a history of miscarriage?)

At 07 August, 2010 07:41, Anonymous Pcos Mom said...

I am a woman with pcos, and yet I am blessed to have conceived a child. During my difficult journey, I was resigned to adopting because I knew that the path is uncertain. I wish you the best as you make your decision. Sending you lots of hugs your way. You are not alone.


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