Monday, September 27, 2010

Bitter certitude

It's over. The U/S this morning showed nothing at all.
I wanted out of limbo, well I'm out. Not happy - rather tearful
actually - but out.

Immediate next step is ruling out an ectopic. If there's nothing to
see, where is the hcg coming from?
If bloodwork shows hcg is still above a certain level, follow-up will
be necessary.


I'm very, very disappointed. Even more so than with the clear-cut negatives.
I'm not utterly devastated (yet?), as I know I would have been before Linnea.
Linnea, my hero. I ought to write a post about that some day (is it
healthy to cast her in that role?).

My weekend was busy, distracting and pleasant. Before Linnea, it would
have been a hellish weekend, with at it's heart the celebration of
other people's fertility (celebrating a first birthday). But now it
was a nice family gathering.
I admit, if the final bad news had come Friday, it would have been
very tough to attend.

Edited to add:
Just got the call from my (local) RE. Hcg is not high
enough to be sure there's an ectopic. Nor is it low enough to rule out
ectopic. Another U/S on Monday at the latest. Sooner, if I feel any pain left
or right.

Bigger clinic may give other instructions, eventually. But I'm not going to chase
them this time.

14 Comments:

At 27 September, 2010 12:18, Blogger Bea said...

Well, damn.

You know, I decided not to say "ectopic" in case you hadn't thought of worrying about that yet. I hope you get the mystery sorted out and that it's a simple road from here. If a sad one.

Bea

 
At 27 September, 2010 16:01, Blogger Rachel said...

I am so sorry.

 
At 27 September, 2010 16:08, Blogger serenity said...

I was thinking the same thing as Bea.

Dammit, Lut, I'm so sorry.

xoxo

 
At 27 September, 2010 16:39, Blogger Heather said...

I'm sorry. A clear cut negative, while still majorly sucky, is easier than this...this isn't fair at all.

 
At 27 September, 2010 18:25, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You'd think they'd have this figured out by now - HCG above normal and rising and nothing on the US? What the hell???
I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this and of course Linnea helps - you wouldn't deserve her if she didn't.
DinoD

 
At 27 September, 2010 19:08, Blogger Pam said...

I'm so sorry. :(

 
At 27 September, 2010 22:01, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I'm so so sorry, Lut. I think it's OK to put Linnea in the heroine role. She suits it well, and it's helping you in so many ways right now.

I wish this wasn't happening and didn't hurt so much.

HUGS.

 
At 28 September, 2010 01:43, Blogger Sara said...

Well SHITE Lut! I'm so freaking sorry. I had myself convinced that this was going to work for you just because you deserve it so much and tried so hard. I should have remembered that deserving just doesn't have anything to do with it.

I'm really sorry. I can only imagine how hard all of this has been for you.

 
At 28 September, 2010 04:24, Blogger Roccie said...

I think I understand your call to Linnea and questioning that role. You good Momma, Lut. Protecting her from the one who loves her like no other. Hard to reconcile, isn't it?

It is easier one minute with her and harder the next in my experience.

 
At 28 September, 2010 12:29, Blogger Thalia said...

I'm sorry. I know you knew it was coming, but it is still really really sad, and a real loss. Please do allow yourself time to grieve, it is a bereavement, not in any way a lesser loss because you have linnea.

 
At 28 September, 2010 14:12, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another follower who is so extremely sorry for the sad news. I've never been able to eliminate all hope, but it's also what kept me going.

Also, I particularly hate the advice, "do nothing unless you feel pain, in which case go to the hospital." Because nothing quite prevents getting on with it as much as possible life-threatening complications. Please take care.
-Swiss Chard

 
At 28 September, 2010 16:24, Blogger strongwoman said...

So very sorry. I wish that infertile women would never receive borderline results... a straightforward negative is just more humane. Is that so much to ask after injections, vaginal ultrasounds, and egg retrievals??? Hoping it is not an ectopic and you will be able to move forard soon.

 
At 28 September, 2010 16:50, Blogger My Reality said...

I am so sorry, Lut.

I hope the path to resolving this is quick and pain free.

Give your hero a couple of extra hugs.

 
At 28 September, 2010 22:01, Anonymous Mrs. Hope said...

I'm so, so sorry. Hoping it's not the "e" word - makes me cringe just thinking it.

 

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