Monday, September 20, 2010

Self-pity

What if the me of 4 years ago would meet the me of today?

Today me has lots of sympathy for the -4y me, struggling with primary
IF for 3 years already, after a devastating first round of IVF (zero
fertilisation) fearing that the next round will be the end of the road
towards biological parenthood. That was a painful place to be. I
remember it was painful, without - fortunately - being able to recall
the exact depth of my desperation then.

Would -4y me have much sympathy for today me though? I've made it to
parenthood, not only that, but Linnea is a delightful and easygoing
little girl. My top anxiety is that something will happen to take it
all away again, but at least I'm there now.
-4y me couldn't imagine that trying, and failing, for a second would
still cause quite so much frustration, hurt, jealousy, ... despite the
joys (and daily hustle and bustle) of parenting.
-4y me could imagine the desire for a second still being strong, but
would secretly think it's a luxury problem, compared with the first
time around.
-4y me couldn't foresee that being a parent would offer lots of
opportunities for salt in the wounds. As a parent you come across
other parents, who evidently don't struggle to have as many children
as they want, or worse, end up with more than they wanted.

Today me couldn't hold it against -4y me, having less than full
sympathy. I do believe that being the parent of one will be easier to
get used to, than being the parent of none would have been. And
parenting does make for great distractions from TTC.

The pain olympics solitaire? A good thing my former self isn't likely
to be coming around for coffee anytime soon.

6 Comments:

At 20 September, 2010 14:03, Blogger Bea said...

Heh. Well playing against your former self is definitely the safest way...

What can I say except it's all crappy? It's all crappy.

Bea

 
At 20 September, 2010 15:25, Blogger Sara said...

I think about this pretty often. And sometimes it works in putting things in perspective, other times it doesn't. Yes, primary infertility WAS worse. Wins the olympics hands down. But the fact that there was something worse, and even the fact that I have experienced it, doesn't make secondary infertility not suck. Especially when your OLDER sister manages to pump out two more kids while you're trying for #2, thus ending up become one of those people with too many kids. I'm just saying. Sigh. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

 
At 20 September, 2010 16:23, Blogger Heather said...

Agreed. Primary me would want to cunt punch me for being sad EVER (over anything) now that I have Katherine...

I did not expect trying for number two would be this hard or that my desire would be this strong. Grass is still greener but still sucky.

 
At 21 September, 2010 00:14, Blogger N said...

Well said!

 
At 21 September, 2010 02:36, Blogger Roccie said...

Beautifully written.

Sometimes I fear I let my focus on the next child steal me away from the moments with my current.

 
At 21 September, 2010 03:46, Anonymous Anonymous said...

But Lut..... but hey.... but...
You knew me four years ago and I was going through the whole secondary IF thing and I never got the impression from you (AT ALL) that you thought I didn't have it quite as tough as you (although the whole 5 miscarriages thing was pretty hideous in its own right).
I don't know - people who think they have a corner on the market scare the shit out of me.
There.. I used foul language - will I be deleted?
DinoD

 

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