Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Driving it home

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt a slight sense of dread in
going to work.
I need dread no more.

Indeed, another co-worker is PG. And not just any co-worker, but the
one who sits at the desk across from me.
Not quite a drive-by, because I guessed from various shards of
information. Reliable shards though.
I don't expect her to officially share the news with me for some time
(I kept my guess to myself), so at least I can get used to the idea.

Believe it or not, but I had managed not to calculate my projected due
date. Now, it will be done for me (give or take a week or three), not
only that but I will have the privilege of a front row seat, watching
how the PG progresses.

Of course I'm pleased for her. I hope it goes very well (the less to
complain about the better!), because another person's misery doesn't
undo any of my own. But I had hoped for a little more respite, not to
be shown quite so close up what might have been.

I don't know how I'll manage to keep it together. Perhaps I'll be
forced out of the closet, though I'd prefer to stay in.
Moving to another desk is simply not something I can ask, as far as I
can tell. Nor something I necessarily want.

Meanwhile, this morning I had my last check-up. Just a trace of hCG
left. The u/s showed a nice juicy follicle (such a futile exercise),
proof that my body is over it.

I'm certainly not over it. I can't remember what the stages of grief
were, but I know anger is one of them. I'm angry, and am giving myself
permission to stay angry for the time being - until the new year
perhaps even.


At 13 October, 2010 23:09, Blogger serenity said...

Damn. Damn damn damn. I mean, I KNOW that it's just unfortunate timing. But seriously. Can't you catch a break?

Hugs. I'm really sorry. And you have every right to be angry. It's not fucking fair.


At 14 October, 2010 03:13, Anonymous Orodemniades said...

It's definitely not fucking fair.

At 14 October, 2010 09:47, Blogger Bea said...

That's tough. Just across from your desk.

I think angry is a fine way to feel for now. I know it'll give way to something else sooner or later and that you won't go completely postal on anyone in the meantime, so go ahead, I say. Not that you were asking my permission.


At 14 October, 2010 12:19, Anonymous Vee said...

I am sorry you have to deal with that.

You are certainly allowed to feel angry.

At 14 October, 2010 20:06, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

ARGH. You officially have permission to be angry as long as you need to be, and go back and forth between the stages of grief. That's how it is for me.

I wish you didn't have to see that every day for the foreseeable future.

At 15 October, 2010 03:00, Blogger Sara said...

Ugh. That is incredibly frustrating. I'd be angry too. Heck, who am I trying to kid. I'm still a bit angry about my last failed IVF, and this is so much worse.

At 15 October, 2010 16:51, Blogger areyoukiddingme said...

I know this feeling - my husband's sister and I were due about 2 weeks apart. I miscarried at 11 weeks. Most of the time I can ignore that factor in relation to her son, but some days when I look at him, I see what I should have had...

(The worst part is that neither my husband nor I particularly like this sister, and we both REALLY hate her husband)

You can get through it - the good thing is that you get (mostly) numb eventually.

At 16 October, 2010 02:41, Blogger Roccie said...

Oh, this is rough. I hope she isnt One of Those who will make this worse. Mine sits catty corner and I hear every word about every update about a baby that should have come a month after mine.

I am so sorry you have this when you are feeling angry.

You have been on my mind today. What an idea. Another whole day to remind us of what we lost. I am not so sure I am a big fan of this whole Oct 15 initiative.

At 16 October, 2010 02:44, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't blame you in the least bit for feeling angry.

Maybe the co-worker will be recruited to her dream job and leave the company? Probably not? It was worth a shot. . .

At 21 October, 2010 16:50, Blogger Meghan said...

My cousin had a baby ON the due date of my first miscarried baby. She announced her pregnancy to the family at Thanksgiving, which was when I had planned to, which was also the day after I found out I would miscarry but hadn't yet begun to. It was horrible. I like to think that a little bit of my baby hangs around her baby--but it's hard, and it took a long time (he's three, now) to find a way to make it be ok. But you will be. I'm so sorry.


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