Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A splitting headache

In brief: Conflicting emotions, sadness and frustration over IF -
celebrations and joy over our daughter

I want to bang my head against a wall, repeatedly, in frustration.

I'm ashamed, but I'm envious of a friend who - in as many cycles as me
- is now PG for a third time (yes, 2 lovely kids at home).
How low can I sink?

ETA: It's my wish to be superhuman talking again. Clearly I'm not, and that's ok.

At work, I'm dreading the day my colleague will announce her happy
news. I can't trust myself to congratulate her without breaking down
in tears, which would be rather awful.
Also, I have two new prime suspects at work. Their question being when, not if.

But it isn't all bad. When I have Linnea in sight, I feel good (with
the occasional pang).

Last week Linnea turned 3! So big, and yet still our little girl.
She basked in the celebrations, at home, at pre-school (yes, she
started recently) and at her grandparents.
Gleefully snatching presents from the hands offering them, then
briskly unwrapping without an upwards glance!
The honesty of young children ...

We've managed to keep her safe and mostly happy for another year. I've
felt the same sense of relief at her second and first birthday -
there's a link with my overprotectiveness, I'm sure.


At 27 October, 2010 23:18, Blogger Bea said...

Happy third birthday, L!

I'm sorry you're banging your head against the wall. Good luck with the announcements. Much strength.


At 28 October, 2010 03:20, Blogger ms. c said...

Happy Birthday to Linnea and to YOU, Lut! Wow- 3 already. Really where does the time go.

I'm sorry about all the crappy "news" of late. For what it's worth, I don't think you need to feel ashamed about your feelings.

A big hug to you (and many thanks for all your support recently, it means so much to me.)

At 28 October, 2010 04:20, Blogger Roccie said...

Happy birthday big girl.

I wish I worked with you. I would whisk you away for emergency coffee breaks where we would really choke down nasty ass raspberry leaf tea in hopes we would be pregnant by the end of the week.

At 29 October, 2010 15:36, Blogger Lollipop Goldstein said...

Birthdays are bittersweet. It marks an accomplishment -- another year. But it marks ... well ... another year. I wish we all could open gifts like that with honesty written all over our actions.

At 04 November, 2010 19:31, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Sending you hugs, and happy birthday L!

At 19 November, 2010 03:16, Blogger Roccie said...

White flag?

What you talkin''bout Willis?

At 20 December, 2010 09:50, Blogger Lifeslurper said...

Gee Lut, I am so sorry you are caught in the midst of secondary infertility. It's taking me years to appreciate the lot of the ttc-er going back for number 2 - it is not a position I envy one bit.

There's that lovely line from an IF book describing secondary infertility thus: "It is a bit like traveling. Primary infertility is akin to hearing that somewhere like France is really, really good and wanting desperately to go there. Secondary infertility is where you've been to France, thought it was wonderful and want to desperately go back but can't! Meanwhile it seems like everyone else around you can go to France whenever they want and doesn't seem to appreciate just how wonderful it is.

I truly hope you can get the chance to go traveling again, very, very soon!

LS x


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