Tuesday, October 05, 2010

You can run ...

... but you can't hide from IF and all its shenanigans.

I need to write, but can't seem to form a coherent post. So here's a jumble.

The blob is out. On Saturday, I got the tell-tale heavy feeling in my
abdomen, followed by (mild) cramps and bleeding on Sunday.
The worst seems to be over, physically.

We went away for the weekend, to enjoy some late summer weather in the
outdoors with Linnea.
She loved it, inspecting rocks, picking up sticks, pointing out this and that.
4 years ago, I could hardly believe we would ever get to this point.

I'm having a hard time allowing myself to grieve this loss.
The nasty monkey on my back is telling me I'm a wuss for not going
back to work straight away- yet I know it's the right decision.
It whispers that such an early loss is hardly worth all the heartache
- yet I know very well that the longing more than justifies the
heartache. Cruelly it adds that a NORMAL woman would barely have even
realized being PG - how I wish I could be one of those.
Finally it pulls out the pain olympics, at least you have a child, at
least it was an early loss, ... True, but not helpful.

The odd thing is, I've accepted grief over early loss as a given where
other women are concerned. OF COURSE it hurts to do treatments, get a
positive (of some sort) only to fail.
I'll admit that with fertile myrtles, there was always the unspoken
thought that they would surely go on to give birth before me
regardless. Given how unhelpful THAT thought is, I've done my best not
to let it slip. So far, I've been right too.

I've reread my book 'conquering infertility'. I stumbled upon an
article about early PG loss in a women's magazine. I need to kick the
monkey's butt.

To the woman in the street walking behind a double stroller (toddler +
baby) with an obvious bump, I want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!".

The odds of us ever having a second child seem to have become so small
all of the sudden. Maybe this is what's hurting the most right now.

One day, I will get over it, but not any time soon.


At 05 October, 2010 12:14, Blogger Bea said...

See the thing is, it's not really an early loss. When did you start trying? How much have you invested into this pregnancy, from that point until now - physically, financially, emotionally? It's hardly "early". And it's also not fair, but you've known that forever.

Good decision about not going back to work straight away, so you can have some space to get through some things.

Thinking of you.


At 05 October, 2010 16:49, Blogger BigP's Heather said...

I don't think you should have gone back to work straight away either.

Pain Olympics...I hate those things. Yes, there are horrible things out there. But that doesn't make your pain any less real. Your feelings are valid. It is ok to grieve what should be compared to what is. It is a suck-fest and I'm so sorry.

At 05 October, 2010 18:02, Blogger serenity said...

Hugs, sweetie. I wish I could make it better.


At 06 October, 2010 00:02, Blogger Vee said...

I am sorry you had to go through that. Hugs.

At 06 October, 2010 01:07, Blogger Sara said...

I'm so sorry, Lut. This really does stink.

At 06 October, 2010 03:04, Blogger Roccie said...

Looking at the world through Linnea's eyes sounds perfect. I wish you could bundle yourself up in her pretty little head for a while until all this passes.

I hear the arguments in your head. I am glad you fight the side that is wrong telling you crap.

Early has nothing to do with it. I have lost at 24 weeks and somewhere around 6-8 weeks.

The pain is different between the two. Having my little one made the early loss much harder on me.

I am sure it isnt the same for everyone, but maybe you are a little like me. I hurts. Badly.

At 06 October, 2010 19:21, Blogger ms. c said...

You're damn right it's not fair. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

At 07 October, 2010 10:29, Blogger m said...

I am so very, very sorry Lut - I'm so glad you're taking some time out for yourself and not racing back to work, give yourself some time..


At 09 October, 2010 02:40, Blogger Lollipop Goldstein said...

I don't think it's simply time that makes a loss painful; if so, the most crushing grief would come from the death of the elderly. I think our heart just fastens onto things without necessarily our control, and once love has its tentacles in there, holding fast, it hurts whenever you need to let go. This loss goes beyond the loss as well; it's a loss with a lot of other layers of meaning. And I'm sorry, sweetie.

At 11 October, 2010 22:33, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Lut, I am just so sorry for you. I'm sending hugs and strength to you from across the ocean.


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