Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Don't pine, be happy

In brief: so lucky, and still not content!


Guess what! It's time to chalk up another one, a PG colleague at work.
If I were keeping points, this would be a great one. She announced her
last PG just when we started TTC again and delivered not so long ago
(to my mind, but it must be MONTHS ago). Just last week she announced
she's expecting again. An oops PG, naturally.

Firing off my inner mad cackling laughter (the one they use in B
movies) - a way to quickly discharge some of the emotions - hasn't
worked. I can't get more than a little chuckle going in my head. Very
unsatisfying.

It leaves me to continue watching my prime suspects for the next
announcement AND wondering who else is going to surprise me at work.
Life goes on, get over it - I know.

-- added to the draft a few days later

Pathetic. It's pathetic to still feel consumed by envy like this.
It's like owning a slick Mercedes, but still pining for the
Lamborghini I can't have.

No matter how many times I tell myself to stop pining and just be
happy with the great fortune I have, I can't help it. Today, I'm
pining.

-- back to the original

Lately, I've been tossing the idea of quitting ART around in my head.
Not now, but soon-ish.
I hate the idea. Sure, I could do without the treatments and the
disappointments. But it would mean ending on a question mark. Would it
have worked if we had given it another shot? If it worked once, why
not again ... eventually.
Quitting ART is also rather final. Basically, it means defining
ourselves as a single-child family*. That will take some processing.
Eventually, I'm sure I'll make my peace with it.

The prospect of giving up is what's making me so sensitive to PG
announcements right now. I do hope the belly-envy isn't going to stay
around for good, at least not this intense.

What I need to do is push it out of my mind for now. Toss the thought
back into a corner of my mind, wait and see what next time brings.
Easier said then done.

*The adoption is a long, long, long shot.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Taking for granted ...

... is seriously underrated. How is peace of mind possible if you're
constantly considering that all may be lost tomorrow?

In brief: this one is squarely about parenting, and the fear of losing
it all again ...

Even without our rocky road to parenthood, I have always had it in me
to become an anxious and overprotective parent. Our history of IF has
pushed all my buttons hard.

Yesterday, Linnea's daycare had planned an outing to a petting zoo.
The more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I felt at the
plan.

Two grown-ups watching 10 bouncy kids? Really? I'm sure they manage
somehow when they're at the daycare, after all the kids can't go
anywhere ... but out in the wild?

Going there and back in a sort of carts? And the kids won't jump out?
Will they make it through traffic?

What to do? Keep her home, to miss out on all the fun? Follow along?
Actually parents were invited, so that's exactly what I did (though it
was some trouble to get off from work). Only to see the trip was
excellently prepared - more responsible grown-ups were there than
usual and the carts were equipped with stay-put harnasses. The kids
were safe and had a good time.

It was nice to see Linnea enjoying herself in the daycare group. But
at the same time I felt a bit foolish at having been led by my fear.

If I would let my fear reign free, I'd be stifling my lively little girl.
I wouldn't let her
- play on the jungle jim
- dig in the sandbox in the park
- slide down the big slide
- walk besides me in town (strapped in the buggy is safer)
- jump on a trampoline
- ...

Looking ahead, judging risks and taking precautions is an essential
part of good parenting. But were does good become over the top?

I want to not take Linnea for granted, I want to consciously enjoy
spending time with her, playing, caring, parenting. I do however want
to take for granted - to a degree - that there will be many tomorrows
in which I can do so.