Tuesday, August 31, 2010

And now we wait

In brief: 2 transferred. Good numbers - on paper.

This afternoon 2 embryos were transferred, the word 'gems' was used to
describe them.
Amazingly, another 4 embryos were of high enough quality to freeze.
Wonderful - as long as I ignore our zero thaw survival rate so far.

This has been a great cycle so far, nice crop, good maturity rate,
excellent fert rate, quality embryos.
On paper, it looks good. After last time, I was thinking the end was
near - for medical reasons. After this time, I think we could go on
for a little longer - finances permitting. A two-edged sword, because
perhaps I'll only turn out to be wasting my energy so much longer. But
I'm trying not to think that far ahead.

I felt relaxed for the whole hour they made my lie down after the
transfer. After that, I got behind the wheel of my car, and any
pretense of calm flew out the window as I negotiated early rush hour
traffic. Surely, that amount of stress is toxic. Hardly even matters
what the science says. Let the fretting begin!

A whole two weeks to go before I'm invited for a beta test.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Retrieved

Retrieval was yesterday. A total of 11 eggs were retrieved from 15
follicles. I'm pleased, though I realize the numbers don't guarantee
much. It means today is not 'game over' day.

It was a blessing to have the procedure in Bigger Clinic, an entire
ward dedicated to A.R.T. The contrast with Tiny Clinic could not be
greater.

I won't be getting a fert report. First news will be on day 3, telling
me whether or not I should come in for transfer.
Until then, no news is good news.


Meanwhile I'm happily reunited with Linnea. It struck me again how big
she's grown already. She'll be going to pre-school soon! Yet, in my
mind I still think of her as my 'baby'. When I'm at work, or commuting
back home, I long to be home with my 'baby'.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Design flaw

In brief: The cycle is chugging along. (Un)suitable surroundings for a
fertility clinic.

So, have I managed to push this cycle to the back of my mind? Yes and no.
I've certainly been fretting over the details of this attempt less
than previous times. Not because I'm hopeful, more because I feel I'm
engaged in an exercise in futility. Why even try to drum up any form
of enthusiasm for it?

At the same time, I am preoccupied by the whole thing. I can't
concentrate much on anything else, because I'm waiting. I'm waiting
for the final verdict on this attempt.
Dread is closer to the truth, then expectation though.

I'd give Linnea some extra cuddles, but she's off vacationing with her
grandparents. I'm counting the days till she's back.

The adoption people gave me a welcome boost though. They notified us
we've moved up on the waiting list a bit (still measuring in years
though). For some reason, that letter makes me smile each time I think
of it.

Now for some anecdote.

For Monday's u/s and blood draw, I had to go to another clinic then
the one I usually go to because I was out of town. The experience was
noteworthy (read: blogging fodder).

You know your fertility clinic is a small operation when:
- it is located smack in the middle of the maternity ward.
- the waiting room for the fertility clinic is also the designated
room for BF moms.
- the OR for retrieval is located across the hall from the delivery rooms.

Salt in the wounds? Why not some sulphuric acid!

I can just see how this came to be. The hospital administrators get
into a meeting room and plan the layout of their various departments.
Well they're all gynaecologists aren't they, and they all use u/s
machines and have stirrups on the beds right? Lets stick 'em all
together.

I could all but hear the soon-to-be moms labouring in childbirth down
the hall, as I watched the soon-to-be dads pace the hall outside the
double doors.

Before Linnea, going there for treatments would have shattered me
utterly. I can imagine myself going to pieces during a retrieval,
being within earshot of the first wails of the newborns. Now, it left
me a bit disheveled, and bewildered at the thoughtlessness of the
setup.

I can think of some other insensitive locations for a fertility clinic:

- an orphanage (with kids not up for adoption) or foster home.
- a family planning centre
- I.KE.A


Any other suggestions?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Camouflage

Can you do a cycle barely giving it a thought? Make it blend into the
background of everyday bustle? My guess is no, but I'm trying anyway.

I've been sniffing dutifully for two weeks and have permission to
start stimming. Good!
By the way, the results of my biopsy came in: all tests clear.


A friend of mine accompanied me to the pharmacy to pick up my meds for
this cycle, all of them. The pharmacist loaded everything into a bag
and I took it with a certain amount of glee - all set to go! Then I
caught my friend's eye - a touch of astonishment there. Seeing it
through her eyes, I remembered what a big heap of medicines actually
go into one attempt.

What I'd prefer not to remember right now is what the odds of success are.