Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A splitting headache

In brief: Conflicting emotions, sadness and frustration over IF -
celebrations and joy over our daughter

I want to bang my head against a wall, repeatedly, in frustration.

I'm ashamed, but I'm envious of a friend who - in as many cycles as me
- is now PG for a third time (yes, 2 lovely kids at home).
How low can I sink?

ETA: It's my wish to be superhuman talking again. Clearly I'm not, and that's ok.

At work, I'm dreading the day my colleague will announce her happy
news. I can't trust myself to congratulate her without breaking down
in tears, which would be rather awful.
Also, I have two new prime suspects at work. Their question being when, not if.

But it isn't all bad. When I have Linnea in sight, I feel good (with
the occasional pang).

Last week Linnea turned 3! So big, and yet still our little girl.
She basked in the celebrations, at home, at pre-school (yes, she
started recently) and at her grandparents.
Gleefully snatching presents from the hands offering them, then
briskly unwrapping without an upwards glance!
The honesty of young children ...

We've managed to keep her safe and mostly happy for another year. I've
felt the same sense of relief at her second and first birthday -
there's a link with my overprotectiveness, I'm sure.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Driving it home

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt a slight sense of dread in
going to work.
I need dread no more.

Indeed, another co-worker is PG. And not just any co-worker, but the
one who sits at the desk across from me.
Not quite a drive-by, because I guessed from various shards of
information. Reliable shards though.
I don't expect her to officially share the news with me for some time
(I kept my guess to myself), so at least I can get used to the idea.

Believe it or not, but I had managed not to calculate my projected due
date. Now, it will be done for me (give or take a week or three), not
only that but I will have the privilege of a front row seat, watching
how the PG progresses.

Of course I'm pleased for her. I hope it goes very well (the less to
complain about the better!), because another person's misery doesn't
undo any of my own. But I had hoped for a little more respite, not to
be shown quite so close up what might have been.

I don't know how I'll manage to keep it together. Perhaps I'll be
forced out of the closet, though I'd prefer to stay in.
Moving to another desk is simply not something I can ask, as far as I
can tell. Nor something I necessarily want.


Meanwhile, this morning I had my last check-up. Just a trace of hCG
left. The u/s showed a nice juicy follicle (such a futile exercise),
proof that my body is over it.

I'm certainly not over it. I can't remember what the stages of grief
were, but I know anger is one of them. I'm angry, and am giving myself
permission to stay angry for the time being - until the new year
perhaps even.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

You can run ...

... but you can't hide from IF and all its shenanigans.

I need to write, but can't seem to form a coherent post. So here's a jumble.

The blob is out. On Saturday, I got the tell-tale heavy feeling in my
abdomen, followed by (mild) cramps and bleeding on Sunday.
The worst seems to be over, physically.

We went away for the weekend, to enjoy some late summer weather in the
outdoors with Linnea.
She loved it, inspecting rocks, picking up sticks, pointing out this and that.
4 years ago, I could hardly believe we would ever get to this point.

I'm having a hard time allowing myself to grieve this loss.
The nasty monkey on my back is telling me I'm a wuss for not going
back to work straight away- yet I know it's the right decision.
It whispers that such an early loss is hardly worth all the heartache
- yet I know very well that the longing more than justifies the
heartache. Cruelly it adds that a NORMAL woman would barely have even
realized being PG - how I wish I could be one of those.
Finally it pulls out the pain olympics, at least you have a child, at
least it was an early loss, ... True, but not helpful.

The odd thing is, I've accepted grief over early loss as a given where
other women are concerned. OF COURSE it hurts to do treatments, get a
positive (of some sort) only to fail.
I'll admit that with fertile myrtles, there was always the unspoken
thought that they would surely go on to give birth before me
regardless. Given how unhelpful THAT thought is, I've done my best not
to let it slip. So far, I've been right too.

I've reread my book 'conquering infertility'. I stumbled upon an
article about early PG loss in a women's magazine. I need to kick the
monkey's butt.

To the woman in the street walking behind a double stroller (toddler +
baby) with an obvious bump, I want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!".

The odds of us ever having a second child seem to have become so small
all of the sudden. Maybe this is what's hurting the most right now.

One day, I will get over it, but not any time soon.