Tuesday, February 01, 2011

The ache of old fractures

I was up in the clouds for a few days - happy about the unexpected transfer.

Today I was bumped back down onto the ground.
Why? Office gossip. Another co-worker is PG, says a reliable source.
Due in October.
Quick calculation tells me the P-stick can hardly be dry. 4 weeks along?

Good for her, of course. But I can't help the sinking feeling. She
must be the 8th (or 9th) since we started TTC again.

It knocks the wind out of me. I have to fight the irrational idea
that a PG announcement around me (IRL), means failure for us.
We're at the end of the line and keep getting pushed back by people
cutting in before us.

An outsider might expect that the hurts of IF are all healed once you
make it to the other side.
Part of me even hoped it would be so. Well once upon a time I did.

Obviously, it isn't as bad now as before we had Linnea. I remember
being shattered, hiding out in the bathrooms crying because of a PG
announcement (lapped once).

I think the ache of IF will never go away completely. It no longer
consumes me all of the time, but when the weather changes I feel it.


At 01 February, 2011 22:45, Blogger BigP's Heather said...

I thought it would be easier on this side too...but those are deep wounds and when you are still trying to build your family and someone else is getting what you want, it is still so hard.

At 01 February, 2011 23:20, Blogger Sara said...

Ugh. I totally understand that someone cutting in line makes it feel like there's no hope. Not true, but totally natural feeling nonetheless.

I do think secondary IF isn't as bad as primary IF, but that doesn't mean that it's easy. I totally understand your feelings.

I'm still holding out hope for you. Hang in there, my friend.

At 01 February, 2011 23:38, Blogger Bea said...

I do know that feeling of people "pushing in". Illogical and irrational though it is, it's hard to shake.

Glad it's not so bad as before, but hoping you regain some of your recent composure before too long so you can make it through the wait.


At 02 February, 2011 02:18, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope when I feel 'done' these feelings will be done, too.

I think your office is about as fertile as my former office. It sucks to have to work with a bunch of fertile women.

At 02 February, 2011 15:21, Blogger serenity said...

I thought it would be easier too.

It's not.

Hugs and hoping for the best for this cycle.


At 02 February, 2011 20:09, Blogger Roccie said...

I hear you. I was lapped by the gal who had an oops then told me "when I think how much I love babies and how wonderful they are, I just had to have another". Insensitive bitch, really. I mean, I get your joy and all but do you ever remember a single thing anyone else tells you? Pregnancy makes you stupid.

I am sorry. Remember that the BFPs are not rationed out by geography or by who deserves it. Just because we all deserve one, we didnt get it right away. Just because she sits by you and took a BFP doesnt mean there are fewer for the taking.

At 02 February, 2011 23:04, Blogger Vee said...

Not easier at all. I would love Boo to have sibling, but it's not too be. I do get envious when I hear others have got their number two, something I know I never will have.

Hoping the wait is easy on you and that YOU do get you number 2.

At 06 February, 2011 22:35, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you holding up? We are thinking of you, and hoping with you.


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