Thursday, March 31, 2011

And cue tears

Indeed, another BFN.

Not unexpected, but no matter how many times I've been here, the pain
it causes is just as sharp.

I managed to make it to the ladies' before breaking down at the office.
I even managed to plow through the rest of the day dry-eyed.
Tomorrow I've taken the day off. Small mercies.

To the news, DH replied how lucky we are to have Linnea. So did a friend.
I feel slapped on the wrist for not being grateful enough. I'm not
allowed to feel pain at yet another failure?

I know, I know, gracefully accept support as it is intended. But
between you and me, I think there should be a 24h waiting period
before uttering 'count your blessings' in any shape or form. Perhaps
even 48h.

Of course I'm grateful that I have Linnea. Each BFN freaks me out even
more that something will happen to her. A belated dropping of the
other shoe so to speak. Insisting on gratefulness alone feeds my
anxiety, and that can't be good either for me or for her.

If anything, I've earned the right to feel grief next to that gratefulness.


At 31 March, 2011 20:41, Anonymous Heidi said...

I'm so sorry! I agree - it is okay to feel the grief without wanting the pressure to feel gratitude right away. Of course you're grateful - but it's also okay to fully embrace and process the grief, too. Hugs!

At 31 March, 2011 21:02, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Lut, I was really hoping that you'd have good news.
Of course you're grateful to have Linnea and of course that does not in any way shape or form mean that you can't feel grief.
I used to think that in some ways, my recurrent miscarriages would have been easier if I hadn't already had my son (hum... this sounds really bad, doesn't it). My life would have been much worse but the miscarriages themselves would have been slighlty easier as I wouldn't have known exactly what I was missing.
When you already have one that you love, I think it can make the absence of another that much more real.
Anyway, that's my two cents (and a sincere hope that I don't get flammed for this).
Hang in there Lut.

At 31 March, 2011 21:03, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I am also so sorry. And of course it's also because you have L that this is so crushing. I'm sorry there is not more I can do except to say I know how miserable this is, and you have every right to spend some time crying. There's really no other way to get through it. -Swisschard

At 31 March, 2011 21:30, Blogger sharah said...

Ugh. It sucks no matter how many times you go through it.

At 31 March, 2011 22:28, Blogger Larisa said...

I'm so sorry. Of course you are grateful for Linnea - it doesn't make the sadness over not having another any less real. I know this in my bones, but I still berate my poor soul at times.

I was hoping it would be different.

At 31 March, 2011 22:33, Blogger serenity said...

Oh hon. I'm so sorry.

And I want to slap your DH. And your friend.

It IS possible to be grateful, so very grateful for what you have, and still yearn for a baby.

Because, you know, nothing like a little guilt-trip-and-admonishment to make yet another BFN more palatable.

Hugs, sweetie. I'm thinking of you.


At 31 March, 2011 22:40, Anonymous It Is What It Is said...

Ugh. One has nothing to do with the other (grief and sadness over a BFN and gratefulness for what you do have). For f*ck's sake when are people going to understand that?

Feeling grief over this negative outcome in no way diminishes the gratitude you have to have your daughter and the gratitude you have in no way diminishes the grief. They are not on a continuum nor are they cause and effect.

Jeez, what ever happened to "I'm sorry for this outcome". Or "I wish the result would have been different".

My best advice is feel whatever it is you are feeling because if you do not or you try to rush or mask it, it will find another way out.

At 31 March, 2011 23:36, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry for another failed cycle. It is so unfair. It doesn't matter that you have Linnea. It still hurts and you are allowed to grieve this cycle.

I hope you enjoy your day off at least.

It isn't a question of being grateful enough at all. Don't feel slapped on the wrist.

I am sorry. And if you would like to cross the big pond, I would happily meet you for lunch tomorrow.

At 01 April, 2011 01:17, Blogger Shelli said...

I am so sorry. Having been in your shoes so many times I know exactly where your head is at. For every failed cycle I had I had tens of people dismissing my pain because I have my son.

I get your fear about " the other shoe". It keeps me awake at night too. Thinking of you...

At 01 April, 2011 04:12, Blogger Sara said...

I just can't believe it, Lut. I think that despite the abundant evidence to the contrary, I must still be carrying around some belief that if one tries hard enough one will eventually succeed, because I really had my hopes up for you. I am sadder than I have been to hear about a BFN in a long time.

I'm with Serenity in wanting to start doling out slaps about the platitudes about having Linnea. It totally misses the point. Like you, I have a lot of trouble letting go of the fear that something will happen and leave me childless. The BFN's definitely feed that fear. Not that this is about me. I just wanted to confirm that you're not alone.

At 01 April, 2011 04:55, Blogger Sami said...

First off... I'm sorry and this BFN Stinks to high heaven. Also I agree there should be a time period that no one can say be grateful, you are grateful, but you're still sad and angry about this negative as you should be. Not helpful and not what needs to be heard at this particular time. I'm so sorry, and wish I could make this easier for you.

At 01 April, 2011 06:33, Blogger Sparkle said...

Sorry about this news.

The grief is about wanting a sibling for Linnea - how hard is that to understand?

And also ... for wanting to have another little bundle - and to experience it all again.

So sorry.

At 01 April, 2011 12:11, Blogger Vee said...

I am so sorry Lut. I think everyone has said what I wanted to say. Take your time and grieve as much as you need.

At 01 April, 2011 14:52, Blogger BigP's Heather said...

One thing has nothing to do with the other. Being sad about this has nothing to do with being grateful for your daughter. You can be both at the same time.

I AM grateful for my child but that doesn't mean I can't mourn her dead twin, or desire a cycle to have a positive result. One thing is not effected by the other.

Just like I can be happy for someone else and sad for myself all at the same time.

I agree, at LEAST 48 hours. I give you permission to slap them both!

I'm so sorry.

At 01 April, 2011 19:17, Blogger Roccie said...

I am so very sorry Lut. I sure was not expecting this either.

It just seems too much for just one family, let alone one momma who bears about 95% of the weight. DH was trying to fix it. They just cannot change, can they?

You know my theory about having our Linnea and Toddlerina. I think it makes it hurt that much more. Our girls deserve a sibling as much as anyone deserves their first baby.

The world is chock full of fools. I bet that friend of yours is a fertile or at least is not one of us.

I am very, very sorry to see you here. Your little heart has taken too many beatings. This one will take some time to heal. Always here for you. Always here.

At 01 April, 2011 19:24, Blogger Pam said...

I'm so sorry. I was really hoping you would have good news. I think anyone who makes a comment about having Linnea (and that includes DH) doesn't get it. One has nothing to do with each other. You are entitled to feel grief for a failed cycle.

At 01 April, 2011 21:10, Blogger Hekateris said...

Dammit, I was hoping this one would be the one. I know I think that (even if I don't say it) every time, but honestly, this time I had 'the feeling'. y'know? Of course you do.

I'm sorry.

At 02 April, 2011 05:59, Blogger Reba said...

i am so, so sorry this cycle didn't work out. :(

i know a small part of the longing for another baby, a sibling. everyone else can, why can't we? it's hard not to feel that way even though we know better than anyone what it feels like to have our own miracles.

so sorry.

At 02 April, 2011 21:09, Blogger Thalia said...

It just utterly sucks. Of course having linnea makes it somewhat more bearable, but that doesn't stop it being a real, unbearable loss. I'm so sorry for the loss, and that those around you don't seem to get it.

Hang in there.

At 03 April, 2011 12:38, Blogger Bea said...

Just catching up.

Definitely at least a 24hr window. And you're right - trying to insist that you feel gratefulness rather than grief is counterproductive. I'm very glad - as are you - that you have Linnea. But gosh, this kind of... sucks. A lot.


At 04 April, 2011 20:54, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Linnea's greatness is exactly *why* the BFN hurts so much - you would love to have another like her.

I'm so sorry.

At 06 April, 2011 22:20, Blogger Elyssia said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 06 April, 2011 22:21, Blogger Anna said...

Oh Lut, I am so sorry...


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