Wednesday, June 08, 2011


Warning: frustration ahead.

Did you hear that? That was my inner banshee letting out a wail as -
through choice snippets of conversation - I gathered that another
colleague is expecting. Lapped again, naturally.

PG announcements still sting whenever they arrive (though less than
before Linnea was born), but I always feel extra sensitive while I'm
near or in a cycle.

I wonder if the banshee will ever tone it down to a croak or a sighing moan.

I can see myself at 60 - who knows lucky enough to be a grandmother
myself - trying hard to tune out the other grannies boasting about
their scores of grandkids. As if their conception, gestation and
successful delivery is their personal reward for hard work and right
choices. The innocent question "do you have grandkids?" will be met
by a dark look and gritting teeth. I'll be popular, I'm sure.

I can see myself at 90 - as my mind has set adrift - sitting in a
nursing home yelling at any of the poor nurses who appears a bit round
under the midriff. "You lucky b****!" To my roommate, a sweet old
thing, into mindfulness and such all over again, I'll bark "don't give
me that look, this is the gazillionth time I've been lapped since we
started TTC again. Back in 2009." The nursing home doc I'll greet with
"Finally! Now pull out your magic wand!".
When they finally cotton on to what I'm raving about all the time,
they give me a nose spray (saline solution) and keep telling me I'll
get to start stimming next week. It keeps me quiet, if not quite

I feel better having let that out.


At 09 June, 2011 04:10, Blogger BigP's Heather said...

That is so hard. I'm sorry.

At 09 June, 2011 04:10, Blogger BigP's Heather said...

Also, can we have an infertiles old folks' home? So we can all sit around bitter and we won't feel bad when no one visits because no one else gets visit either...

At 09 June, 2011 19:17, Blogger serenity said...

This is hysterical. I know I shouldn't laugh. But what a GREAT metaphor. I can see it so clearly.

I like Heather's suggestion - that we have an infertiles old folks home.

I like to think the sting disappates over time, though. It hasn't yet because you're not at acceptance. But at some point you get there.

How? Well, that's the million dollar question.


At 10 June, 2011 16:21, Blogger Roccie said...

I am having a hard time laughing today with all the loss news, but you broke through my crust with this one.

I think it is that they have caught on how to manipulate you, promising stims the next day. Oh the pull of a new cycle, there is nothing like it.

May you be surrounded with Linnea and the twins currently in utero as they gently wipe your spittle and tell you to cool it, Mom.

At 10 June, 2011 20:42, Blogger loribeth said...

Here from Mel's Friday roundup. Re: the infertile old folks home: A bunch of my childless-not-by-choice Internet friends & I have long vowed that, when the time comes & our husbands are all gone & we are left on our own, we will move in together a la The Golden Girls. And hire a cute young cabana boy. ; )

At 11 June, 2011 04:30, Blogger ~C~ said...

Sorry for the pg announcement, but this is some seriously hilarious stuff here. I love it.

At 13 June, 2011 19:03, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

You know, I've thought about this some too. My mom's circle of friends, all they talk about is their grandkids. It is their only topic of conversation and the center of the world. My mom managed to make a "poor me maybe not a grandma yet" out of our IF, charming yes?

I hope I can remember this when my boys are older and they may or may not be able or interested in having children of their own...

At 14 June, 2011 03:47, Blogger My Reality said...

I wish there was a way for the rest of the world to understand what we go through.

I am hoping for you.


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