Myth: Secondary* IF? You have no reason to complain!
The second round with IF is a tough place to be.
It has taken me quite some time to accept that, even though I should have know better.
That said, I am in a much better place now than I was before Linnea was born.
Those dark days of the first round were such a mess.
Does the second round hurt more because I know what I'm missing?
'More' is not how I would put it. How then? I've been mulling this
over for a while, and my conclusion is this:
The second round hurts in ways I couldn't imagine when I was still in
the first round.
(And mercifully so, because it would have been too much to bear).
Remember the movie 'a Space Oddyssey'? A mysterious black monolith
appears and it changes human life.
During the first round, my longing for a child was like that
mysterious black monolith.
A child I wanted, that much I knew. It meant being pregnant. I would
get to push a stroller and gaze lovingly down at the infant inside.
But beyond that, I drew a blank, mostly.
Making it to parenthood was marvelous. Open Sesame, I was finally let
into the treasure cave. I walk around inside with a basket, collecting
pearls, gems, and jewelry of intricate craftsmanship.
Other people wander through the cave, the fill a first basket, pick up
a second, third, ... and continue filling all of them.
I search high and low to find another basket, I move piles of rocks,
wade through pools, nothing. "Be grateful for what you have" - the
other couples pipe.
Finally, I spy a small basket and grab hold of it - only for it to
crumble to dust. "At least you have one" - the others chime.
Think of your friends still stuck in the shadow of that black monolith
- my conscience says.
Why not simply be happy with the basket I have - I keep asking,
urging, berating myself. Because no matter what I decide, the longing
The cave goes on and on, and with every step there are new delights
(but watch your step - there are pitfalls and debris to trip you up -
sheer terror!). Yet as the light sparkles in each finely cut
gem-stone, I can't help but think of what isn't.
So, for me personally, the second round hurts in ways I couldn't
imagine when I was still in the first round.
* Secondary IF: A couple/person who has had a child (or several)
without trouble but who experiences IF when TTC a second (third,
fourth, ...) child.
I'm going through primary IF a second time around.
This post is an international contribution to Resolve's U.S. National
Infertility Awareness Week®.
Some background on infertility: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
About National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW):