Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Sigh of relief

I've been restless the past few days, and the closer my u/s
appointment got, the worse it became. I slept uneasily last night.
Time dragged on in the waiting room ... but finally it was my turn.

To my great relief, one embryo is still right on track. Exhale.
Arm and leg buds were visible and I got to hear a lovely heartbeat.
Absolutely amazing.

The other has definitely arrested. It's sad, but I was prepared for the news.

Back to waiting for the next appointment. And to distract me, some
vacation time to spend with Linnea!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Working in halves (continued)

This is an odd place to be.

For one week, I've been thinking about twins. Adjusting to the idea.
I checked out a book about multiples from the library. I pondered
logistics (is our car suitable? we'll never fit a double stroller in
our elevator! where will we find room for two cots?!) to take my mind
off my really fundamental fears.

I can't say I feel devastated right now. Though I do feel a sense of
loss - we could have had an unexpected third child!

Perhaps I am still numb.

The thing is, my original dream of giving Linnea a sibling could still
very well come true. A singleton pregnancy has better odds of success
than a twin pregnancy.

I know, many twin pregnancies turn out just fine. But I've read too
many heartbreaking stories over the years to be appeased. Pre-term
labor, loss to pre-eclampsia, loss in NICU, ... it happens. And
standing at the beginning of a twin pregnancy, not knowing what's in
store, is mighty scary.

I realize that if we did have twins, I wouldn't for the world have had
it any other way.

But standing where I stand now, I feel that this is far from the worst
that could happen.
And I cling to the dream that is still there, a child to take home in
hopefully 30+ weeks.

Working in halves

Very briefly before I dash off to work:

U/S showed one embryo measuring right on track. Doing fine!

The other is a different story. Much too small for its age and
heartbeat very weak.
Dr. thinks this one will vanish without a trace. There shouldn't be a
risk to the first embryo.

A brutal reminder of how fragile an early pregnancy is. Very disturbing.

Monday, July 04, 2011

Dizzying heights

In brief: plenty to see, nothing to hear.

The u/s appointment went well this morning - except for the mad dash
to get there, caused by my forgetting to turn the alarm clock on after
setting it extra early.

Straight away a black blob appeared on the monitor, right where it was
supposed to be. Lovely, and look, there was a pulsating motion to be
seen there.

Before I had time to respond, the doc swiveled the monitor towards me,
saying - and here's a second one. Also with a pulsating motion, though
a tad slower than the other (which doesn't mean much at this point).

My goodness.

Simply incredible.

This is going to take a while to sink in.

A few months back, in a group of moms conversation turned to a mom who
added twins to a family of two still young kids. Isn't that a tough
break - one mom said. I remember thinking, having twins must be tough
yes, but a kind of tough I can't help but feel a stab of envy of.
If all goes well, I will be eating those words (thoughts), many times over.

I'm shocked. I'm excited. I'm frightened.

All of the sudden, this is a high risk pregnancy. I've seen quite a
few bloggers live through those risks becoming true.

As always it's wait and see.